gifts for the season

 by Rain Trueax

Image from Stencil

One of the sharing things we like during the holidays is give or exchange gifts. As part of that tradition, I put some of my Christmas oriented eBooks on sale in Amazon. The sale lasts until the New Year. Now, 99¢ isn't exactly free to the reader, but it virtually is to the writer. As Amazon takes most of the price (70% + their normal nominal charge). We like to do it with the hope some new reader will find a book they'd never tried and maybe find some holiday cheer. 

The poster shows the five books on sale. Four of them are novellas, two historicals (which are books 5 and 8 in the Arizona Dreaming series) and two contemporaries; but this year, we have a fifth, which is a full length novel (Book 2 in Arizona Dreaming). All stand alone but often have secondary characters from earlier books.

 

While Christmas is not central to The Marshal's Lady, it is important in the development of relationships. As a father, Marshal Cordell O'Brian, who has been kept from his daughter, is trying to finally establish a connection with 9-year old Grace as she is sent to him in Tucson. Will she ever accept him as her father?

Priscilla Wesley, the woman he is attracted to, but knows it'll never work out, has taken Grace under her wing and now is trying to teach them both about the joys of a holiday neither has really known.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Snippet from The Marshal's Lady, as Cord takes on a new responsibility to the laughter of his deputy.

“You’re doing what?” Rafe asked with a laugh.

“You heard me and don’t bother making jokes.”

“No jokes but come on. Geronimo is supposedly signing a peace treaty soon, but he hasn’t yet. There are always renegade bands just looking for easy pickings.”

“I am not easy pickings.”

“Give me a chance to adjust to this.” Rafe chuckled again and leaned back on two legs of his chair. “You are going out Old Spanish Trail then up in the Rincons to cut a Christmas tree?”

“What? You heathens don’t cut trees?” Cord asked finding an old scarf to wrap around his neck and cover his ears if it got too cold. Where the desert floor wasn’t too bad in December, if he had to go above four thousand feet, there’d likely be snow. As he remembered it, there was a slot canyon where pines grew of the right size. It’s where he’d head, hoping he could avoid going higher.

“When we cut a tree, it’s to build a home. Hell, we even revere flowers as sacred. A tree oughta be more so.” His smile said he took none of it seriously.

“Well it’ll be decorated up real pretty until it gets cut up and burned in a fire. That seems special to me.”

“Want me to go with you?”

“For what, to laugh? No, I want you to stay here and keep an eye on the town. Sheriff Adams is out of sight again, most likely drunk in the backroom of a bar somewhere or maybe in one of the girls’ rooms. Whatever the case and wherever he is, he’s not answering to anything.”

“No surprise in that. Why doesn’t the damn town get rid of him?”

Cord shrugged as he buttoned his coat. Outside the drizzle was cold. Any direction he went, this wasn’t going to be much fun. Usually when he got stuck with such hunts they were to go after a bad guy. Who’d have figured it’d be to chop down a six or seven foot pine tree.

“All right, I’ll do it, but I’d rather ride into the mountains and let you stay here and look after town,” Rafe protested one last time.

“And have you feel you had damaged some ancestor’s special something? Not a chance.”

“We could both go.”

“I told you why we won’t.”

“Are they picking up Evans today?”

“Supposedly but that was supposedly yesterday too.”

“I gotta admit I’m glad your girlfriend got Ben off the hook.”

“She’s not my girlfriend, not my friend, and yes, I am too. Judge Emerson was still chuckling as he delivered the orders.”

“She has a way about her.”

“The kicker was she’s hiring Ben, which will work fine so long as he doesn’t drink.”

“James’ll keep an eye on him. He likes James. He likes Miss Wesley even more.”

“Hopefully it’ll work out for them all.” He had a few reservations mostly connected to his jaw, which had almost gone back to normal, but still hurt when he bit down wrong on something. 

“Well watch out up there. See you tonight.”

Links in Amazon for eReaders:

 The Marshal's Lady-- https://www.amazon.com/Tucson-Moon-OBrians-Arizona-Historicals-ebook/dp/B00GYL9DVQ

The two historical novellas both have older heroines. They have given up on love but has love given up on them: 

Rose's Gift--  https://www.amazon.com/Roses-Gift-Arizona-OBrians-Book-ebook/dp/B00T13IID8/

Frederica's Outlaw -- https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01MYXKWAG

 And then come the contemporary novellas, both with Christmas rather prominent. 

In A Montana Christmas, the heroine (from an earlier full length novel, From Here to There, has it mind that a ranch Christmas is a time to heal her husband's family rifts. Or will it only create more pressure?-- https://www.amazon.com/Montana-Christmas-Rain-Trueax-ebook/dp/B00AOU0IQ2

In Diana's Journey, a retired teacher is facing a change in her life. With so many lost memories, Christmas is the last time she wants to think about. Can it prove healing for her in a small southern Utah community? -- https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01M5IA26Y

something for now

 by Rain Trueax

Acoma pot, artificial greens, and a fun little owl where two are on our artificial tree and two here with the sculpture and pot. One of those on the tree had to be put higher as Raven decided it looked like a cat toy and reached up to bat it off... We moved it higher :)

Since I know many of you are concerned for how Diane is doing, she is taking care of real life business but will be back at the blog when she can-- maybe even later this week, but if not, hopefully next week.

The holidays can be a tough time for anybody. What do you do when things aren't as you wish but you have to plug on? How do you avoid depression when others are cheery around you? Any secrets? I go to FB and see so many with health, relationship, and economic problems. Pets that were deserted when they felt they had someone they could trust. We see so much, more than any other era. Is the answer head in the sand? That doesn't seem possible for long-- or is it?

What does Christmas mean to you?

 by Rain Trueax

 

Because of the season, I got to thinking about what does Christmas mean to each of us? To me? 

It has changed totally in my lifetime from when someone else determined what happened that day (family). Then, we had the years when we made the decisions. It also involved family. The photo above was our first Christmas at the farm. 

I thought about it because this will be the first year, thanks to family changes and mostly the pandemic, that since 1977, we have not been at the farm.  In fact, it goes farther back then that for how many years it's been since we weren't in Oregon at all (1966). It feels weird to me, but I realize some move more often than we did; so not odd at all for how Americans shift around due to jobs or family changes. We did some of that in our early married life but not at all later. Land and livestock tend to ground a  person.

Christmas for us this year will be very different as we don't really have a community (thanks to the pandemic) and our family is far away. We no longer attend a church for Christmas; but if we wanted to do so, the pandemic would have taken that away. Will it change things once the vaccine is here or, along with the new experiences from the virus, that some things changed forever?

What we have done for this year is the artificial tree, which I have come to love, along with lights and ornaments. What does the day though mean for us? Maybe we have thought about it more because of the book we have been reading, Book of the Hopi, that goes into their yearly rituals. Their community, family, and religion are complicated, more so than I had remembered from earlier reading the book. They celebrate a year based on the earth and their need to plant and have rains at the right time. Rituals are very important in their lives.

One cool thing this year will be the Christmas star. It will come with the Solstice and involves two planets, Jupiter and Saturn, coming so close together that they appear as one. I don't know that it has significance spiritually, but it's been 800 years since this last happened.

So what grounds us today as a people? Religion? Political persuasion? What does Christmas mean to you at whatever point in life you are? Some people have a life that changes a lot even if they don't move. For others, it stays the same. I'd enjoy hearing what Christmas means to you today.

 

The planets approaching each other, the full moon, and the last lovely sunset from November. The dove posed perfectly

 

by Diane; Update #2 on seeking a new normal : A new widow's winter holidays

 Sunday, November 29

Just as I was reveling in my studio/living room at 2:30 AM in the morning my nose became super congested and started dripping relentlessly. Couldn't breath with the c-pap even after wearing a stocking cap and sitting up higher.  I started sneezing. Maybe six times in a row. Never had a cold start so abruptly. Was it allergy? So at 4:30AM I started the day with breakfast and an antihistamine. Did some writing on the computer and even read a magazine. Then went back to bed for an hour but didn't sleep.  So some of my fancier plans for the thanksgiving meal went to the way side but still made delicious roasted chicken breasts with roasted vegies and a mashed sweet potato/pumpkin dish topped with fresh pineapple, chopped ginger, and coconut milk baked in the oven. I ate my dinner in the company of a zoom meeting with Wenzel family and even some of son-in-law Sam's Edge family in Calabash, North Carolina.

 Friday I continued to be symptomatic and I isolated myself with the remote possibility that I had COVID.  But Saturday in the middle of the night the symptoms went away.

Pictures about Don's life spread out on the kitchen table. Draft after draft of his life story continues. But now beginning to have it processed enough to write a smaller version to submit to the Albany Democrat-Herald as an obituary.

Monday, 7:00 AM, November 30

   My day schedule:

5:50 AM  get up and try to think of something to be thankful for. Like Don trained Kevin to use the sprayer so he could spray bleach on the moss covered driveway making it less slippery.

6:30 AM  Three Bob Mill's gluten free pancakes with bumblebee salmon, chopped celery, blueberries, butter and real maple syrup,  fresh pineapple, and a slice of avocado.

7:00 AM  Shower followed by Tai Chi

8:00 AM call furnace dealer for repair and cleaning

                 Then call Rainbow Disaster Repair for mold extermination estimate

                  set up rides to and from Mammogram and physical therapy to improve posture

9:00  AM  bring plexiglass cabinet on wheels to bedroom studio and move paintings from garage into cabinet

10:00 AM  second small breakfast ( for mild GERD) and fiber supplement in juice from stewed prunes

Rest of the day maybe a walk maybe cutting down dry foliage and planting bulbs.   Work on surprise Christmas gifts and usual Holiday celebrations. It wasn't suppose to rain.

Tuesday, 9:00 PM, December 1

I had precious time to paint for an hour. Since my cataract surgery a year and a half ago colors on some paintings are way different than I thought. Dancing with my five grand children was started before two of them were born in 1997 or 1998 and I have been working on it ever since. Today I moved my hip out and cut out some of my front torso to make more room for the youngest grandchildren. The yellow band at the bottom was too yellow so I covered it with non-toxic cadmium red deep by Liquitex.

Talked to a friend about the furnace and found out that the radiant oil heaters in each room left on at a low setting works without any forced air moving molds around the house. And if left on low is no more expensive for her than the furnace but ours is a gas furnace.  So confusing what to do. Happy though that I am now addressing long term problems.

 

 

Something New

 by Rain Trueax

 

Well, a weird thing happened right before Thanksgiving. We had one of those prepared dinners, didn't check carefully enough and one of its ingredients was red bell pepper. Nightshade intolerance has it on its list. The next day, I was sick. Still not feeling well as I write this. So not many words but wanted to show something we did for our Arizona home.

We stopped cutting Christmas trees some years back when nobody was coming to our home to see the decorations. It made no economic sense. But we had resisted the artificial ones. Then one year, we bought some artificial garlands, liked them. Last year, down here, we put them around with fairy lights. Fun

By Diane: New chapter in my widowhood : Thankful for 55 years of marriage and my new normal

Maybe a new direction emerging where I will put Paint down on canvas, study it until I see a subject and then pull the image to make it visible.

 

Just loving how many different nooks I have arranged where company can paint here in what was a traditionsl living room, kitchen area, covered patio or garage!  And in the future the shop will be made comfortable for painters.

Happy to say all the estate stuff is done except for a few loose ends on their way to being resolved.  Thank you, thank you dear Fisherman Hubby for putting affairs together to mke my transition go smoothly.  A very good ending to 55 years of marriage. Every day is like Thanksgiving inwhich I can thank him for something.

With gusto I started  painting which puts me into a new mental place -  where necessary tasks are forgotten too long..  Dangerously distracting me from paying bills and purchasing food suplements among many other things like contacting apple to complain that I am blocked from paying for more storage on the cloud.

The balance between doing art and carrying on the needed tasks of life is a familiar on going balance almost as a widow as it was as a wife. The difference is only fine tuning this balance to new demands of taking on the tasks that Fisherman Hubby used to perform.  I have less laundry and less food prep and clean up. Now a laundry every three days instead of every day! The dishwasher filled every other day.

To keep a vehicle or not is my most difficult decision. I need more space for my art that the car takes up in the garage.   No car would mean more money to spend on travel and less stress keeping the car running safely. I could do without the stress of driving. Besides I do not use the car often.

On the other hand I remember the stresses my mother had when she did not drive and rushed around in a freenzie to get to the bus on time.  And those waits for a taxi!  So as a result some of my dreams these nights are about waiting for  the bus or being on the wrong bus. So the decision to not have a car will be a brave one inwhich I will remind myself that I can side step those fears.

 

 

changing times

 by Rain Trueax

 

'Tis the season for holidays. A good time of the year, if you can forget about politics and just concentrate on your own life. It though also can be dicey if family and friends are a long way away or in a time of plague. Some families are broken apart and even before politics got into the mix. When things aren't all as one would wish, the need is to go deeper into making our own little piece of earth better.

Bird watching is always good when the weather cooperates. I can spend several hours just watching them as they interact. We have a fence between us; so that our cats can also be outside but not bird hunting. The fence makes photos trickier but takes away none of the joy of hearing and watching. I love having the cats with us but safe from bobcats and coyotes as well as being caught up in cacti barbs.

By Diane: Update #4 for Transition to Widowhood: To clutter or not to clutter

In my new larger studio there is space to spread and print onto paper and canvas off of a Formica surface. I allowed a happy accident with the baby wipe torn to become a resist so the underlying paint would not register.  Then the underlying acrylic paint dried.  Spritzing helped make a few more prints. Then the uninticipated surprised me. the baby wipes absorbed the acrylic and printed with interesting effect. Then I pasted the paint saturated baby wipes in front. A story developed. with some accidental straight lines in contrast to the organic bold ones. Nature is strong and our architecture is weak.  Nature wins. And all this when my springboard to an intuitive journey was the subject of clouds. Actually the first print I did was cloud like.

The living room/ studio looked really neat and inviting last week and because it is the first thing seen entering the front door, it needed to be looking orderly. Or is my creative process better if a little cluttered? I will let your imagination be the image of my studio once orderly now actually being used.

I declare a new chapter: Finding meaning for a new painting series.

Return to the simple things?

 by Rain Trueax

What a week. We thought or rather hoped that the upset would begin to disappear after the election. The blame game has just grown and it's coming from both sides and from high up the political chain.It is intended to upset those of us who have no real power to change anything. The answer to it is to move away from those pushing agendas and make our own lives good-- as much as we can. 

by Diane: Update #3 for transitionion to widowhood; What looks orderly feels good

 Fisherman Hubby past away a month ago.

  So when I  feel sad the feeling pasts quickly. I have been busy. 

I just have to look around at the rooms as they appear more and more orderly to feel that everything is under control. His clothes were donated to the Red Cross for fire victims of wild fires. The family who received the suitcases full sent a nice thank you note.

His stuff mostly gone: He wouldn't recognize the house. With all that is left inside the house, I've made a shrine with his high school graduation picture, his iconic wool fishing hat and four lens fishing glasses that gave him the look of an insect, the red tee with Poloneisian style representations of sharks, a leaded fishing lure tied to a hook, his 1961 high school anual, and other personal momentoes. These special, sentimental things are in an office cabinet he built 40 years or more ago.  The candle holder on top of the cabinet is from a magnolia tree that he helped a neighbor salvage the blonde colored wood. The flame snuffer was his creation. The stoneware plate under the candle was one he made.  His bright warmth continues in his room although it is now being made comfortable for overnight guests.  What was our living room is now a room for just my living, The stout workbench that he made,was moved from the small bedroom to the left of the front door. In the "living" room I can paint, read, eat, watch TV, do Tai Chi, and do office work. In the garage his fishing Almar Aluminum boat remains prepared for going fishing as he wished.  The kokanee count he did for ODFW from his last trip on Green Peter, March 23, is still on the stern. Year of his last solo boat trip 2020 ?

   My new life style is stabalizing at home thanks to the help of family and friends. Fisherman Hubby would be happy that the furniture he crafted and the ranch style home he modified, with sky lights, is continuing to make me happy.

 

a bit of this and that -- along with a video

 by Rain Trueax

 

With an election that seems to have stretched as long as the campaign, this has not been a fun week for much of anybody. Yes, we are finally in November, but it's looking kind of dire at least politically. However someone wanted the election to turn out, it  would not have been like this, but it is what it is-- as they say. To govern with such a divided nation and such a weak victory will be a challenge at the least. I am going to stay away from politics here as the election is finally over. What I will be caring about are cultural issues and hopefully writing fiction as I let go of the upset and move ahead with my own life-- something I wish for all of you.

My Facebook has those who claim that this is the End Times and the Rapture is about to happen to take them away from this planet to avoid the apocalypse that they believe is coming. They point to signs. I mostly snooze them as I don't need a month of that kind of thinking. Maybe they know that many generations, since the beginning, have claimed it's the End Times and hence those who came before also hoped they would not have to fix what had gone wrong but just have to wait-- sometimes on a hilltop-- to be saved.

Here's my thinking on that kind of prophecy. It is currently pushed by those who see a mandated vaccine might lead to no ability to buy or sell without the magic marker. There is a Biblical prophecy that speaks of that, but it could have been done any time by many governments. It doesn't take a magic vaccine requirement. 

Plus, if you follow those prophecies in the Bible, Old and New Testament, the Antichrist has to come first along with the Beast. Do you see anybody in a position to rule the known world as it stands, who is seen as a hero, and can then dictate laws at a whim? Some believed that was Hitler, Caesar, or many others before this. It was not and today there is no such figure; so back to the drawing boards to fix what is going wrong around the world as no easy escape-- yet anyway.

Religion offers so many answers but usually they don't turn out to be permanent for what happens on earth. Try fixing what we can for our culture without looking for a magic out. Too difficult? Well, waiting on a hilltop (figuratively today) isn't fixing anything. 

I am not saying people should not find comfort from a spiritual belief or a religion, just don't use it as a cop-out-- is my personal opinion.

It seems all I have for good photos are sunsets and they don't come every night. The ones here show a sky looking like it's on fire along with rain falling that never hits the earth. Kind of symbolic, dontchathink? *s* I only recently learned that that kind of rain is called Virga.

 

For our personal mental health, we have been able to sit out on the patio and watch the birds as the heat is getting to manageable levels. Wednesday, we watched a roadrunner, head back and forth under the feeders but not have any interest in the seed. He (or she) would once in a while leap into the air but as mere humans, we had no idea at the purpose of that. Fun to watch as all birdwatching is in times of human stress.

I didn't write in last Saturday's blog about Ronni Bennett dying as I didn't know she had chosen last Friday for her day to let go. She wrote Time Goes By and was someone many of us regularly read for ideas on aging, as she experienced it, and then about her getting a death sentence disease as she fought it and finally her experience with the process of dying. Fortunately for Ronni, Oregon has MAID (Medical Assistance in Dying) and she knew she had that to release herself from suffering. It's a good law and well thought out. She wrote about it in her blog; so I know more about it than I ever would have until my own time had come.

 

She had arranged for someone to be with her at the end as well as to take over her blog. That won't be easy but she had many fans, who will appreciate having a place to continue to share if it works out. Besides the notice of Ronni's passing, her friend left these words:

"I will leave you with knowing that she was ready. Just before she died, she said, 'When you get here, it is really nice. I am not afraid.'" – Autumn

Comforting words and how I am sure we all hope it will be when it's our turn-- as it inevitably will be sooner or later. 

Once in a while, I do a video chat type thing. I don't have a word for it but it's me talking about what's going on. I wish I was better at them as I enjoy seeing others talk as it makes this internet world seem more real. This one, I did about what i was planning-- not that there is much of a plan.  If you enjoy such, it lasts 6 minutes (zero politics) and really discusses nothing important. With us being in more or less isolation, not a lot happens that is exciting-- and that's a good thing given the alternatives :)

 

by Diane: Update #2 for Transitions into Widowhood: Friday finally took an art break

 

Oddly I find I did not need an art escape when I was making creative choices like moving furniture, rolling up a carpet and arranging my brushes like flowers in vases and displaying them on the fireplace mantel. Then on Tuesday the ashes and the death certificates were ready. Fearing I would be too emotional to drive safely, a wonderful neighbor took me to Corvallis and kept me company.  Since then there have been many estate changes.  So Friday I was ready to take the whole day off to paint for three hours with a friend I have not seen in years. It was nice to start at 10:30 but soon the rain showers came. Under the patio cover we were fine.

   The triptych has little intention.   It could be a study of clouds in transition. The thrill of working widely mindful always every mark lined up with the energy flowing through the whole - that is a goal.

ending of a month

 by Rain Trueax

 

 As  so many have said about 2020, I am saying the same thing about October. which ends today with Halloween. I've written about my health experiences throughout it, and have little more to add except I am glad that my problem appears to be nightshade intolerance. I can do something about it if I learn enough and am careful enough...

The bad part is nightshades are used in so many foods; so October has not been a fun month for me-- as we discover one after another the hard way. I am glad to see it go and hope from what I have learned, November will be better. Between that and the loss of a good friend, this will be a month never to be remembered fondly-- despite it being mine and my daughter's birthday month. Since I've never made a big thing out of my birthday, it was no loss on its sake. I won't say the same for the rest-- nor more details, which I am sure you don't want to hear.

So what can I say for a blog, when I want to stay off politics (will be so glad to see this season end) and have no idea where our country will be heading culturally? (hoping for the best) When you are laid low during a pandemic, not much exciting happens. Just getting through some days is enough. I know Halloween is a big deal to some folks but where we live kids don't come and our own kids and grandkids don't live close nor do they probably trick or treat any more-- if their state allows.

But then along came this sunset.  A video sometimes is worth making especially in a time like ours that can be upsetting. (Tucson Autumn Sunset)

Happy November-- I hope :)

by Diane: Update #2 for transitioning into widowhood: Taking license to change my mind

Experimenting to find out how little I need to change to dramatically improve the useage of my home now that it is just for me. I considered making the shop a painting studio. It is big. I would have freedom of movement and no worries about moving the paint around and getting some on the floor or walls.

 I changed my mind. It really isn't necessary to redo everything in Fisherman Hubby's shop.  Maybe after straigntening and cleaning it, the shop will be a good place to learn to make frames. Tuesday, Ocober 27, I was certain that the living room would be my office/ painting studio and I continued to move into my new creative space..

 Saturday afternoon, October 24, Barbbara Levine and I did our second session painting a mandala.

Saturday evening after a daughter's visit, October 24,

 This is the seventeenth day of widowhood.  I am beginning to reshape the house. I was thinking of making the shop an art studio until a daughter changed my mind.  Looking at the shop, it would be nice to keep it a shop because with a little dusting and straightening it up it would be a delightful place as is. Here is part of Fisherman's legacy.  Also great for storing oil paintings in the summer time!   After airing it out, I do not smell heavy gasoline fumes. I might even become expert in framing my own paintings.

Sunday, October 28.

Quickly I write before the wind kicks up and the 22 degree freeze tonight,  these wintry predictions had me anxious at 4:30 AM this morning.  But feel much calmer at noon now that I filled the patio wood box with wood. Made sure I had help after my poor attempt to split kindeling. The hammer was heavy and of course I picked a piece with a knot that wouldn't buge. A neighbor just pulled it apart with his bare hands. The neighbor's kids came too and found pearl like seeds in the Nakid Lady flowers.

When I picked up and carried hoses to the shop I must have accidently hit the Medical Guardian  alert buton.  So I was surpised when two Fire Department EMTs paid me a visit.  They were very nice about my false alarm.

After I cook up more food in case of a power failure, I will paint a little. The easel now in the living room waits to see if  I like the livingroom's natural North light. I think I will stay in this old house. 

Tuesday, October 27

Although my canvas is on the easel and my paints wait in a cart, I did not paint yet today. I went through the entry cabinet by the front door. I  continued to move things like the childhood games to a shelf near the computer. Children's art stuff is still in the entry cabinet.  The cabinet was used as a place to dump greeting cards. The ones from Fisherman brought tears to my eyes. Though not ofton spoken, he signed his name after writing "love". 

 

nostalgia

 by Rain Trueax

 

I am in a nostalgic mood and hence thought I'd share here some music from way back in my life-- as in when I was born, from WWII. Because Blogger improved itself.... I cannot figure out how to embed these. Here though are the links to some videos with music from a bygone era.  The first one is 'I'll be Seeing You' with photos from the soldiers fighting that war for the freedom of the world.

https://youtu.be/cHcunREYzNY

The next is one of my favorites but when it was sung by the Righteous Brothers. A man is singing to his wife that things will be better. When Jimmy couldn't sleep in his own bed, it was because England was being bombed at night. We just think we know tough times. 

https://youtu.be/qI5j7qamG-A

The following song came from a movie called The Sky's the Limit, coming out in 1943 in the midst of the war. It's been sung by many since then, and I like this combination with Frank Sinatra singing it with images reminding us of the high cost of wars and finally Fred Astaire dancing as he did in the film. 

https://youtu.be/wtUVT-d5rmI

There are times when bringing up the past can help us get through the present-- with a few tears, of course. Crying is actually healing as is laughter.

And, of course, can't leave out-- As Time Goes by. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d22CiKMPpaY

by Diane: Update # 1 for Transitioning into Widowhood: Mixed Emotions

Monday, October 19, 2020

My most prominent emotion is Relief:

On day 12 of being a widow, I am mostly exercising my freedom in converting the house from a hospital to my home. I try to arrange it for convenience. Arranged to be welcoming to overnight company. The garage to be a studio and possibly the shop to be a studio for painting large canvases. I am mostly relieved that my efforts in making a repurposed living area is proceeding well. I can look at the well done guest room is neat now even if the center of the dining area, living room and garage have sorting piles that appear chaotic.  I am thankful that Fisherman Hubby  removed many of his larger tools from the shop and has his boat prepared for a fishing trip. I am thankful from the outset of going through his worldly things that the task would be doable.

But if I linger long looking at the remaining piles like electronic phones, computers and cords, or piles of  over the counter medications, numerous shovels and broken handles, I fight feelings of being overwhelmed.

For at least 10 years I often put his health needs ahead of my desires.  I  believed his unreasonable requests came from some disease process he could not address despite my physical therapist saying he should see his primary care doctor about his unusual sensitivity to cooking odors requiring me to cook vegetables outdoors.  I thought it could be an allergy or a fungal infection. I believe I did all I knew how I could do to alert his doctors whoignored my letters.  Just 11 months ago his doctor was reluctant to refer him to a neurologist desite repeated requests and even after coming to his appointments twice. Neurologists, I understand, are few in  our community in comparison to the need. So other specialists came up with wrong diagnoses resulting in needless surgeries which were hard on him. His weight plummeted hastening the ALS process.

I am relieved that he is out of the physical and emotional pain of loosing his muscle strength.

I am hopeful.

  Hopeful that the OHSU Oregon Brain Bank with his brain and spinal cord will help find a cure.  He wanted to be a part of the study to save others.  At the very least they could come up with an early diagnose eliminating wasteful, blundering therapies and surgeries.

I am thankful that I did have mini art respites and I took time fixing and eating my vegetable.It was good that an understanding of my genetic needs results in making decisions right for me. in what foods to eat.

I am thankful for one result of the pandemic. Family and friends had reduced work schedules and they were eager to help. Their help gives me warm fuzzy feelings.

Thankful for family and friends at Beit-Am Jewish community for their support in planning a coforting rememberance meeting Thursday, October 15.

I am sad and tearful when I want to share an interesting happening during the day with my Fisherman Hubby. I love how neat the house is becoming but feel hollow without sharing with him.

Thankfully I learned that the in home care agency's care givers were not a good option for me. Some things are easier to do myself than trying to explain what I want done. Then when I needed 24 hour a day care for my husband, the Hospice nurse said, "The end is near."

Tuesday, October 20

I am angry

Why couldn't I have stopped all those unnecessary surgeries. I should have stood up to the surgeon and corrected him on his appraisal of the cat scan that showed compremised lung capacity. 

I am gratified

Although Fisherman Hubby makes his actions speak his emotions, he did repeat near the end of his life that he had a good life.

 

I am joyful and very, very happy that I survived and can foresee travel and doing the things I want. 

 

going on or not

 by Rain Trueax

This was not an easy week. I don't have anything to share here beyond what I wrote last week as to our feeling of loss. That feeling won't be going away soon. From what I've seen, some can move on easier than others where it comes to such losses. I am in a teary mood and that's just how it is.

Getting old, more of this is bound to be ahead unless we go first. I remember my in-laws saying that was the hard part of living into their 90s-- seen so many friends go on. 

And go onto what? Isn't what we think about at such times? I know it has been mine through the years. I lost someone important to me when I was in my mid-20s and she was a couple of years younger. Actually, I was the one who didn't expect to live past 30 and told my husband that before we married. Turned out I was wrong and quit predicting when it'd be over for me.

Anyway, all I can offer today are images from the desert and my own inner feelings that nature is the greatest healer. I have no words. I'd love to have words and certainty about loss. Maybe some of you do and will share what you believe. Nobody will find fault. If you are open to such thinking, I'd love to see it.

 

transition

 by Diane

Up Date #1 for my transition to Widowhood

 

I am consumed sending out invitations for Fisherman Hubby's  zoom remembrance and closure meeting.

 

Have the house almost repurposed for my next step in life.

 

I am feeling really good. No more constipation. Almost perfect in the colon. I am relieved.

Tomorrow my painting granddaughter and her fiancée are coming to paint with me.

A lifelong friendship

 by Rain Trueax

Oregon Coast at Yachats

There are things that a person just does not know how to write. Losses are among the hardest of those. Sometimes we prefer to let such times pass without words. Sometimes words are needed.

We have had a long time friendship with a couple that goes back to 1962 (we think) for one of us and him. Fisherman and Ranch Boss met as freshmen through a combination of working for a chemistry professor at the college and a fly fishing class. The class required taking some fishing trips. Twist their arms. From that time, they formed a friendship that lasted until he died this week. 

In the fall of '62, I met what would be my future husband from my making up a dance class due to schedule change. We were pretty instantly attracted with dating, though not going seriously for a few months at least-- neither of us remember the exact date. I though, of course, met his fishing friend through him and later his girlfriend, Diane.

The relationships processed though the usual stages from engagements to our wedding in September-- theirs in June. That summer, we got together at their town apartment to discuss future plans since both men had applied at University of Arizona to work and study for a Master's Degree. In Tucson, we found an apartment complex that suited us all (can't remember who found it either). 

From Oregon, we caravaned down the small roads of Oregon, Idaho, Utah, to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon where we shared a cabin along with our small black cat, Sheba.

 Once in Tucson, life settled in very comfortable routine. They'd go to class and after a while, Diane and I would meet every morning at either her apartment or mine for coffee and to talk for a while on politics, culture, life, art-- not always agreeing but always stimulating. Then we'd break for the day while she painted and I wrote. 

 

A painting Diane did down there and gave us for Christmas.

We each had a small patio, which they did theirs one way and ours another. The four of us played in the desert washes, even took an Easter break to rent a log cabin on the Rim (along with our black cat, of course), which led to this painting, which we have in Oregon.

Diane painted this one in the White Mountains on that trip. We bought it at a price she generously made possible for what we could afford.

Eventually, the four of us headed back north for jobs-- us first to Oregon-- later, them to Washington. We continued to get together as our babies were born. We shared interests and differences. It worked. Then he also got a job in Oregon which led to more opportunities to get together. For years, it led to sharing cabins on the Oregon Coast, going for hikes, and a lot of dinners together. And then he got sick and...

When you lose one half of a partnership like that, it's a hole out of your heart. You basically have shared your lives and done so much together-- always free to have other friends and other interests.We didn't expect it to end this way until we learned Fisherman had ALS. It is a disease that isn't easy to diagnose in the beginning. Later it meant an inevitable end. He fought it though as bravely as he did everything else. Finally it ended his life but not his spirit. He smiled to the end.

He was a good, strong friend. He contributed to the community by his volunteer efforts to help more people find joy in nature and fishing. He was a mountain climber, part of rescue teams, a scientist his whole life, and of course, always a fisherman to the very end as he shared its satisfaction and joy with others-- especially his family, which was always at the heart of his life. 

Sometimes saying someone was a good man just isn't enough to describe all that means. He expanded his life with travel and always with his life partner, Diane, with whom he shared a long marriage from being virtually kids to old age. They were the kind of partnership; where he encouraged and helped her with her art as she did him with all his outdoor interests. To say he will be missed isn't to say enough. It's a loss but also a blessing to have had him in our lives.

I decided to  create a small video of the photos we had with them. I don't have all the pictures I would have liked as most are still in Oregon but this represents part of a long friendship. Three of us go on, but he will always be part of who we are.

https://youtu.be/lho-dgzDnJs

 

We were no longer in Arizona when Diane painted this one. Years later I had told her my regret at not having one of her big cactus paintings. It turned out one of her family members was redecorating and this one didn't work. We bought it. Later we brought it back to Arizona where it is hung in the living room.

 

 

by Diane: First Post on being a new widow:

FIRST COMFORT FEAST Can a spirit ride on a song bird's wing? Looking through the glass as we dine. Then flying towards the dry bird bath only to quickly return longer tapping the window with wing admonishing us. A new ceramic bird bath filled in honor of his caring spirit.

by Diane: Update 27 of mini-art respites from caregiving: Addressing changes

 I love our home especially now.  With Fisherman Hubby's neuromuscular decline, a two story house with stairs would be awful. Our rooms are large enough to accomadate all the necessary equipment to make him more comfortable.  The house is small enough to be kept clean. The largest area is the kitchen dining area. Behind the table in the center of the wall is a bulletin board where I can pin up new work. Food alone does not nurish.  Living with my paintings nourishes my need to be creative.  Currently I pinned up  two pieces on  from my painting companions.  The letter"T" composition is by an Oregon granddaughter's boyfriend. The letter "Q" composition is by the granddaughter from Utah. The Q could also be seen as the capital "A" on it's side.  The two negative areas left by the letter "A" could be seen as one piece woven behind. Simplifying the landscape into letter shapes is not easy.  I am proud of their process.

These are stressful times.  Two of my own readers said that personal stress bubbled over with strong negative reactions to this blog when some topics angered them. Or they were not interested unless photos were accompanied with explanations. They just wished I would have a blog just about Fisherman Hubby and our ALS journey.

I made an attempt to recover from a UTI and post on a Word Press blog that I quit in 1914.  It recognized me and I began to compose a blog but kept making blocking errors.  So working another blog will be a learning curve.

Maybe next week I will continue updates on my Word Press blog and then for other topics I will post here.

Fisherman Husband is needing more care and again I am seeking help.   If visiting Angels can not find help , I may try private individuals looking for work. Every day there is a change in his needs. We are accomidating so far with the help of many friends and family. We are blessed.

 

times of misery

 by Rain Trueax

 

September was a tough month for me with the disastrous fires in my home state. Some of my favorite Cascade Mountain areas to camp or hike were destroyed. People lost their lives. Small towns like Talent and Phoenix were burned almost to the ground. My daughter said half the children in those school districts had lost their homes. California has suffered the same devastation. It's hard to get your head around the misery,.

Then came October and I made a big mistake. Tuesday, we ordered a chicken enchilada dinner from a nearby Mexican restaurant. Delicious.I knew that for me there was some risk as I learned a few years ago that I am nightshade intolerant.  I mentioned it in the last blog I wrote for here. When the symptoms hit you, it's one or two days after the meal. You have just taken something toxic into your body-- in short poisoning yourself. It got me Thursday which led to physical weakness, terrible headaches, throwing up-- in short, misery, a day mostly in bed as nothing helps-- well, except your partner sometimes also lying in bed to keep you company. Yes, misery does love company.

In researching nightshade intolerance, we did learn it's genetic and comes most to those who live or migrated from certain parts of Europe (happens to fit my ancestry).

Having invited a bout of it myself, always hopefully it won't be so bad,  that basically meant another day or two, when the worst of the misery subsided, that I have little energy. I am hence going to use something I wrote in September for a group blog. The one plus I can say about such a miserable experience is first, it makes a person very sympathetic to people with longer lasting illnesses and second it makes one appreciate of feeling normal. It is something that it's easy to take for granted.

You might think what do you care about covers for books if you haven't written one yet, but you might someday decide to write a book of poetry, a memoir, the great American novel, book on nature, photography, painting, etc. The tips apply. The covers below will change for their title fonts (we bought some new ones to try), but my energy is depleted again. I'll  write more about them next Saturday when I will have been a lot smarter about what I eat.

By Diane: Update # 26 for mini-art respites from caregiving; some family pictures

Friday, October 2

My infection is hardly noticeable but must continue taking the anti-biotic.  I have more pep than I expected.

I am feeling unsettled, though, from having my worst fears materialize for our president. Early on in Trump's Presidency I wrote him pleading with him to set a good example and loose excessive weight.  He didn't as far as I can tell. I hope he recovers without complications in the near future.

This evening we said good by to our visiting Utah daughter and granddaughter. Their stay uplifted our spirits. And painting with my granddaughter was priceless.