Embracing the Dream - Arizona Historic Romance

 Although, I plan to continue with my contemporary romances in the Romances with an Edge series, I ,also, like to write about what I am doing that I think might help those wanting to be writers. Putting out a book is much more than writing it. There is also how it will be seen, which means titles, covers and blurbs. Amazon and most other sites do not allow a change of titles or even series names. There are other options and that's what happened last week that did not involve contemporary books.

Ranch Boss and I looked at the cover for Embracing the Dream, which has had other titles, but never will again due to a better title, after it had been pulled and brought back (losing all prior reviews as did all the Arizona historical romances, Winds of Change series). The cover image did fit the book, as in a woman with a dream of a man, but seemed flat. We created a new one, using no AI, but do have some useful tools to do it. (I might write a blog on how creating your own cover works). We then improved the blurb for those who go to the book in Amazon. 

 It's hard sometimes to come up with a way to alert readers to what they might like about a book, especially when it's a complex romance (which most of mine are). I do not write a story that just tells of one relationship, the lovers. It will be at the center, but I really like the secondary characters, some of whom, as happened with Embracing the Dream, were in earlier books, and become hero and heroine in another story. It also can happen that such character end up secondary in future books if they fit the stories.  

For helping readers find books with subjects they like, there are lists of tropes. They also help a writer look either at the story they have written or for some create a story that might be more popular with readers. Tropes are those issues that have proven popular in other books. I looked through the lists for this book and found two that did fit, first was Forbidden love. His family is Yaqui, a family she really liked and who liked her. But this was a difficult time for the Yaquis in Tucson as there had been a  war raging in Mexico between their tribe and those in Mexico who wanted their lands. The violent altercations made those in Tucson leery of the tribal members who had come there. 

As for another forbidden part of her hopes, he had been married when she first realized her feelings, then even when later his wife left him, with their son, for another man, her parents were not happy with her dream as she was younger, by a lot. Age gap trope. They wanted her to grow up more and encouraged her to go back East to university, which she did. In the meantime, to help his younger brother, who tried to join the Rough Riders for the Spanish American War, he joined and was accepted while his younger brother was not.

When they both return to Tucson, after very different experiences, the book begins. I won't say more about it here. If you want the rest, click on the link below for my website in the series Winds of Change and that title, Embracing the Dream. Actually, because we changed the cover after the website was created, it has that other cover. When you click to see more, you will see the current cover, and it'll take you to the book on Amazon for the blurb and a free sample to read the beginning.

Rain Trueax Books

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

one aspect of editing

 

For more than four months, I've been working on re-editing my Arizona historical romances. Because we needed to pull some, in order to have title changes, we decided to pull all eight in that series, re-edit and add onto them, as well as give them all new titles. Amazon said we must then bring them back as new books... 

To avoid reader confusion, I was not comfortable with that, but it's currently the only way when you know your titles are not working for the books. Amazon is following ISBN requirements. It makes sense but just a surprise-- if you don't read your emails.

So far, I have done four and am just finishing the fifth. I have actually enjoyed it since I hadn't read them in a long time-- and I feel I am a better writer today. In writing, you always improve-- if you keep writing. I also came up with some ways to add to their stories without losing the basic plots but instead elements to make them feel more complete and that there is something new.

We are in no hurry to put them back, as we attempt learn more about what launching a book should have meant when we originally brought them out beginning in 2013. There is so much I still do not know about the marketing end of books, but turns out there are a few things on writing that I also have had to look at.

For instance, using the word just too many times is a no no. I use it a lot in my ordinary life-- i.e. just in time, etc. etc. But writing is not so much about fitting what is 'ordinary' but instead what is readable to others. Yikes. I could see where I'd used it, and it wasn't needed. Other places it was better than writing a whole lot more words when one would do. I think I have cut out half.

I am going to ignore a few other rules that are claimed to be important-- like not using adverbs. I am not sure why a word that modifies a verb is bad but a word that modifies a noun is okay. I am going to keep my adverbs, as often to get rid of them would lose meaning or require too many other words. I also believe too many adjectives for a noun can seem overdone, but I was never fond of heavy usage of either. It can become humorous.

Another word the editing gods don't like is very. Often a different word will do but sometimes it doesn't fit the action. Other times, it's a word less people would know when romances are not supposed to be written with a lot of big words, words that often are perfect, but less known. Romance readers don't want to read their books with a dictionary in hand. 

Maybe I should say most as I've read their writing should be aimed at an eighth grade level for readability. At one time, eighth grade was pretty advanced in knowledge (I've seen what once an eight grade education meant-- good luck with passing such tests today). Now, who knows what even a college degree means for vocabulary. If it's dialogue, of course, then it depends on the background of the character.

For a while, I am going to be writing, in this blog, about the whole process of putting together books. The next one will involve a question that is of interest to me. I will though get more into the issues of editing-- as I know it.

Changing Times Also--

 by Rain Trueax

 

Growing up, westerns were my favorite series TV and movies. The good guys used guns and they always won in the end over the bad guys. There was no problem figuring out who was who. As I have mentioned, right now I am watching no TV; but even before, I didn't go to the channels with the old westerns. Maybe someday I will, but right now they don't draw me to them.

There were a lot of television westerns that I loved back in the day. One of them was called Gunsmoke, about the marshal of Dodge City, Kansas and the woman he loved. Oh, I know the woman he loved never came to fruition while in the shows, but it was there in the expressions and the looks Matt and Kitty gave each other. If it had been in a different time, maybe it would have, but in those days the hero either had to marry the heroine or it needed to stay suggested. The emphasis was always on the marshal and his job.

What I came across on YouTube is, how many people had created the love story we all craved to have seen, the one we imagined. There are a lot of these videos. They go back ten years or even more where the music is put to clips from the shows. Here's one--

Behind Closed Doors

Gunsmoke ran from 1955 to 1975, following an earlier radio show. In the last year, Kitty had left the show. Maybe the star got tired of never getting her marshal.  

This question is whether the heroine and hero never connecting (many in those days) led many western writers to want to create romances where happily ever after was required. If I had begun publishing my own books back in the 50s, would it have influenced not allowing a marshal to have as a lover, a saloon owner (or bordello madam). Could they kiss? Not a chance. 

My first books were written in the 60s but I didn't have the sex in them either-- the rough drafts that is, as in those years I wrote but didn't publish. By the mid 1970s, the word for romance novels changed and steamy was part of the plots. Personally, I think it was good for women to read such books where healthy sexuality was a part of a serious romance (well, some weren't probably so healthy back then). 

My first historical western where the hero was a marshal was Book 2 in the Arizona series. The marshal had been in book 1 as had the future heroine. How to make their story challenging led to a lot of research as to what being a US Marshal meant back in those days. Many towns, like Tucson, had a marshal and a sheriff. The marshal's job was more federally political while the sheriff was run more by local partisan politics. But, both were political.

The Marshal's Lady (original titled Tucson Moon) dealt with a man and woman with very opposite ideas on guns for instance. He used one as part of his responsibilities. She despised them. What really brought them together, to work past this, was the arrival of his estranged nine year-old daughter when he had no idea how to be a father. The heroine stepped in with her sympathy for the girl and from there romance grew.

Unlike Gunsmoke, I had no compunction against bringing these two together sexually, but it had to make sense that it could happen and it had to take into account the nature of the times politically and culturally. Because it was set in Southern Arizona, I enjoyed writing it as it moved outside of Tucson and involved characters from my first Arizona book.

If you are interested in such a story, politics was very much part of it, as it  is of our world today, it's at Amazon and other eBook sites. 

One other thing: I got a notice from Blogger that they will no longer be notifying those, who signed up for RSS, as of July 21st this year. I don't know how most of you find your blogs but if you counted on an email or phone announcement, you might want to reconsider and do what I do (I never signed up for this service). When I have blogs I want to read I bookmark them and check when I know a new one is likely. In the case of Rainy Day Thought, that would be Wednesdays for Diane as she weaves her way through widowhood and her career as a painter and Saturdays when I write about whatever has struck my mind that week. Always new entries on Wednesdays and Saturdays.

 

Oh, and don't forget The Marshal's Lady for a taste of what life was like back in the 1880s and a book where a happily ever after is going to happen-- even after many struggles (of course). Although the link is just for Amazon, the book is at Barnes and Noble, Apple, Kobo, etc.

The Marshal's Lady

busy week

by Rain Trueax

(Oops, I thought I had made this blog live. Well it has been a busy week lol)

This is a busy week for me with my brother visiting for a week. I am so happy to have him. He and Ranch Boss have done more things together than with me as I am still having foot problems-- as well as being totally out of condition. It's been great for all three of us as we are pretty much compatible. Until this opportunity, I haven't been with him as much as I'd like as he lives in Portland and when in Oregon, we live about 90 miles away in the Oregon Coast Range.

At any rate the only thing really going on with me is time with him, great conversations, I might add, writing, and what I see is going on with politics. Oh, we have watched some great movies together. My favorite was Murphy's Romance, also set in Arizona.

The photos are one of the things that we've done with my brother (Casa Grande Ruins National Monument above) and the wildlife cam at our Tucson house. This one is set to look up from a small draw that is on our property. The building beyond is the end of our Tucson house where the shop and storage room are. It represents part of what we love about being here-- sharing this place with these denizens both are night and during the daytime.

We had a front view of the bobcat last month.

Fairy Tales for Grown Ups

by Rain Trueax

Recently during a good conversation about many things, a friend told me she was unwilling ever to read my paranormals. She has been supportive of my romances, but a world with demons and monsters was a bridge too far. My mind is much on these books since I finished the rough draft of my seventh in a series called Mystic Shadows.

I didn't ask her specifically about what she feared from them because that's her business. If she's uncomfortable with something, then that's enough reason. I can think of possible reasons she might have concerns, which led to this blog.

Bound for the Hills

by Rain Trueax

There was a time when I never wrote about my books in this blog. There was a reason for that. I thought if I mentioned them, readers would take it as me trying to sell them. I also thought-- those that do-- do. Those that don't, talk/write about it. Silly reasoning but for years, I didn't talk about my writing even to friends. A few knew I wrote but most probably did not. None of my friends at the time wrote or had interest in writing. Most didn't read romances if they read books of other sorts.

Eventually, that changed some with this blog but still not nearly to the level writing/marketing encompasses my life and thinking. Conversations in the middle of the day with Ranch Boss often revolve around a marketing aspect, which makes sense as he's the main marketer behind my books and has been for several years (one reason more books are sold today than back then). When I wake in the morning, it's often with dreams that revolved around some aspect of writing.

A dream example was this week: I find a page where I can look at how much money each of the writers I know have already made that month. It turns out to be in the many thousands (and it probably is the case, given what they've revealed other places). In the dream, I feel a mix of pressure to do more to get my books seen and jealousy that they made so much. 

Finding a page like that would not make me happy, and there might even be one. IF so, I won't be reading it. *fingers crossed*. Well, I might, but it'd be happier if I didn't as comparing yourself to others, in anything, is always a lose/lose.

So for Saturday blogs, for a while, I am going to write about writing/marketing.  I hope it will be of interest to those who come, but understand it might not. I won't be doing this hoping more books will be sold from here (links are all listed alongside lol) but instead with the hope that it might inspire others to give writing a try or if they already write, ideas on how they could get their books out there and what that involves. I've learned a thing or two after getting into this in 2012-- some from my own experiences and some from what others have shared (writers who I looked up in the dream). It will also be because this is something important in my life.

A giveaway

by Rain Trueax
Update: Brig, please send me the addy where you want to receive the books at rainnnn7@hotmail.com. I could throw in one of mine if you want (let me know in the email). Do you prefer contemporary or historical? *s*

Since I began this blog before I became an indie writer (means publishing my own books), I have never had any idea how many of you read romances-- or for that matter, ever read one. One reader wrote, some time back, that she used to read them but no longer. A few, I know still do but not how many. Maybe you've never read one but have been curious what they are about. Maybe you read them but prefer no one knows. Secretive romance readers are not unusual. It is the Cinderella of the publishing business and at the same time, it's the cash cow. Some resent this being a reality and hence put down romances.

It's funny about the ideas promoted regarding romance readers-- that they are lonely, unhappily married, living a dream life and that the romances are unhealthy for them. The truth is, in sociological studies, the ones reading romances are mostly happy in their relationships. Many are in high stress careers where the romances provide the same release that another might find from a Tom Clancy adventure. Romances are not just about the hero and heroine but families and friends. They always end with a feel good, it's part of the requirement (love stories not so much).

Through the years, I've had times where I have read a LOT of romances. My favorites are those with action in them. I found the first ones with sex to be-- like, wow they can really say that. Today, yes, I laugh at some of the euphemisms that were sometimes used (come on, you can enjoy the basic story and still think some of it is funny). 

To be honest, if a sex scene goes on beyond a few paragraphs, I skim ahead-- not out of prudity but out of boredom. What I wanted, still want in romances, is the action, the relationships that some fight so hard to have. I though also, like sex for a full relationship, how this couple really come together. Sure, it's idyllic. Better that, then some of the books considered literary, where nothing ever works right. Who wants that for a goal? Not me. Life provides plenty of that. Romances are uplifting as people overcome obstacles. They are often set in worlds most of us don't experience-- sometimes would not want.

Because I began writing books before the romance genre got more 'detailed,' I wondered how mine would fit-- the jury is still out on that one. Romance writing has evolved independent of love stories.  Love stories have long been available, but they do not guarantee a happy ending (i.e. Wuthering Heights or Gone with the Wind). 

Romances where the couples actually did 'it' in the book, only began in the 70s. They were called bodice rippers for obvious reasons. Where there had always been erotica out there, it wasn't mainstream or in the average bookstores. That changed and women (some men too) discovered the fun of sexy stories, and it did help some marriages with the heat the books generated. Remember, there was a time where sex in a relationship was considered kind of dirty-- even in a committed relationship. Men could lust but women not so much. Romances gave women permission to feel desire, to be the aggressor, and open to new things.

By the '90s, romance novels had changed their emphasis. Having a heroine raped multiple times had lost its appeal (not sure why it ever had it). The difference between porn, erotica and a romance was explored. Authors changed their emphasis and style of writing as they tried to provide what readers wanted. Styles changed, the basic plots, not so much, and a lot of those early themes are still popular today.

The ten books you see in the photo are among the many that I purchased during the '90s, when I was most interested in reading the genre and studying writers. I was curious about how they developed their styles and would follow writers I liked through their backlists. During those years, I haunted used bookstores. It wasn't easy to find all a writer had written, since bookstores, even the used ones, only wanted the most recently published. Today, Amazon makes this far easier, and I've picked up copies of books that are no longer even in libraries through small mail-order bookstores. 

In the years, I was buying a lot, some I'd keep and some give away. Once I was in Massachusetts with my husband on a business trip (we'd driven out). i was staying in a motel where the cleaning lady and I would chat. I explored the local used bookstores, and would give her the books I'd finished, which she would pass onto her daughter. That's how books often are-- shared.

Eventually, at home, I had a bookcase stuffed full, when I decided I needed its space for something else (research which I also had a ton of). I packed the books in boxes and forgot about them. This year, I decided to bring some of the boxes to Arizona and see what I could do about freeing the books from the boxes.

The books had been put into boxes randomly, thus was sorting required. Some readers only enjoy English historical romances and don't enjoy American historical romances. Some I remembered reading but many I had to depend on the blurbs. It turned out I had two boxes of English types and two of American. I found very few contemporary, but there were 5 boxes left in Oregon; so there might be more in them. I have always enjoyed reading a mix of genres.

So, the plan is: A GIVEAWAY (the first of what I hope will be more depending on how it works out). From Saturday, March 24th, until Tuesday, the 27th, if you are interested in receiving the books you see above, COMMENT here, which could be as simply as-- yes. If you comment and say you don't want the books, that's okay too. You don't have to sign up for anything. You don't have to have ever commented. You don't have to say you like romances. Maybe this is a chance for you to find out. After three days, we'll draw a name (hopefully there will be at least one) and morning of the 28th (when Diane posts her new blog), at the top of this post, I'll post the winner, who will have to send their snail mail to my email (which I'll also post on Wednesday). 

For me, this is a way to share books that influenced my own writing-- might inspire yours; or if you have no interest in writing, could be fun reads-- or even books to sell or give away. The idea is to get these books freed from their boxes. 

Although not erotic, the books are open door on intimate relationships. Many of the authors are still writing books. A few have gotten their backlists from the corporate publishers and are now indie writers, with their books at lower prices available for eReaders. For some, old paperbacks are the only place the stories can be found. 

I had my husband, he of the sensitive nose, give them the sniff test and they are not musty smelling.

why the paranormal

by Rain Trueax

It's St. Patrick's Day, about which I thought of writing, since it's important to a lot of people-- even those not Irish. I am though really not much for saints of any sort even if they drove all the snakes out of somewhere, which I personally doubt. Instead, I'm interested in why some supernatural myths appeal to us and others frighten us.

It is ironic to me, is it to you? If you pray to an angel, it's okay but if you consult a spirit guide, it's not. Opening a Bible randomly to give wisdom for the day is fine but Tarot cards not so much. A miracle is accepted if it came from some sources but not from others. The Virgin Mary on a piece of toast is inspirational but a ghost telling someone how to invest in the stock market, not okay. On it goes.

I think these kinds of questions began my interest in the supernatural world which can nicely dovetail with the scientific.  Don't believe me? Check out quantum physics sometime for what we know and don't know about what we consider the reality of life. You think you are solid, think again and it's not just about atoms or time. Life is full of what we think isn't actually what is.

When I wrote my first paranormal, I didn't decide early on whether it'd have a real supernatural being in it. I tiptoed into the water of the other side gingerly with Sky Daughter. 

More than a few years later came When Fates Conspire. If you are interested in its beginning (out of a 2013 dream), I wrote more about it [here]. It was the first novella of what became three paranormals, which eventually ended up in one book, Diablo Canyon. (I still find that one of the more confusing things I've done as a writer because when I try to list how many books I've written, those three are slightly different without the spice but the same story. Still, I made it that way so that I could open the novel's door on the sexual relationships of the couples). The stories fit together into one book because they involve humans (some with extra powers) coming to eventually fight monsters, of the Native American sort, who have gathered on a canyon south of Billings, Montana. I used a mix of science and magic for the challenges.

The next time I was tempted into the paranormal was driving through downtown Tucson and Barrio Viejo. It was there that I saw the possibility of young, professional couples with a difference-- the women being natural born witches, dedicated to protecting the street. The first of those came out in 2016 and the most recent this year. 

To date, my paranormals have met with very limited interest from most of my readers who love historicals. The question then being-- why continue to write a series that few will ever see or give a try? Well, there is a reason. They excite my interest of what might be. It's fun to create a gnome as a secondary character or have a grandmother, who is Navajo, and lives a very physical life with her sheep and weaving but has protected her land in ways that have come naturally to her. That's the nature of the paranormal, where each writer makes their own rules.

In a paranormal, if I want to have a heroine, who can look into someone's memories (The Shaman's Daughter) or is convinced if people just understood more of the supernatural world, they'd see good guys there (To Speak of Things Unseen) or to be a witch and not want the gifts until they suddenly mean life or death (A Price to be Paid), or my latest where the heroine has to open herself to her human side with more trust (Something Waits), those are the fun parts of writing paranormals. 

In my case, I also see there being a responsible side when I create these fantasy elements in ways that are positive and show how to deal with what is not. Take away the powers and these books are like all my others for their values and what the story has for important elements. 

What they don't have are many readers and finding that kind of reader, open to mystery of life, is what I am looking to do. Turning away from what has been popular writing is not necessarily lucrative in a physical sense, but I don't know any other way to write and stay true to the Muse. ;)

Amelia C. Adams -- guest author

While writing has always been in my life, it wasn't until I brought out my first books as an indie author that I met others who wrote in my genre. It's been one of the bonuses along with my opportunity to bring some of the authors here when they are bringing out a new book. 

Amelia C. Adams is the author of the bestselling Kansas Crossroads series, as well as a contributor to River's End Ranch and Mail Order Mounties. She lives in Idaho, is a wife, a mother, a taco eater, and a taker of naps. She spends her days dreaming up stories and her nights writing them down. Her biggest hero is her husband, and you might just see bits and pieces of him as you read her novels.

Below is the cover, blurb and link to her next book, the first in a new series, Brody Hotel. Involving itself with an old hotel, renovations and decorating, this contemporary romance sounds like its extras are right my alley for books I enjoy the most.

 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079GZBJY1

Generations: Brody Hotel Book One 

by Amelia C. Adams

Andrew Brody, investment banker and self-made millionaire, has just lost his father, but gained an estate. Along with inheriting stocks, bonds, racehorses, and undeveloped land, he learns that he is now the owner of a hotel that has been in the family since 1875 and should probably just be torn down.

Marissa Clark needs a new challenge - staging homes to sell and rearranging pictures on walls isn't what she dreamed of doing when she became an interior designer. When she gets a call asking her to help renovate a historical building, she leaps at the change - what a great way to use both her love of texture and fabric and her love of history.

They believe they're just taking an old building and giving it a second chance at life . . . but they have no idea that they're getting a second chance too.

Amelia C. Adams, author of the bestselling historical Kansas Crossroads series, brings us this romantic spin-off featuring the same location, but 140 years later.  You can learn more about Amelia at www.ameliacadams.com

**

Amelia C. Adams

Author of sweet Western romance

www.ameliacadams.com

Randomness

I woke up the other morning thinking about how the world seems on dual trajectories. On the one path, it's beautiful, safe, and full of love. On the other, it's dangerous, ugly and full of hate.  Some want to think it's one or the other, but it's not. It's both, and randomness often decides to which we may be exposed. We want to think we have control, but how much do we, when so much is by chance.

One evening last week a stranger walked up to our house. Over six foot tall, she said she was out of gas and had heard we might have fuel, because of the tractors and all. Ranch Boss went out with her to the shop to get a gas can. I watched from the house because I wasn't sure about her intentions. When he went to her vehicle, which was in front of our driveway, stopped by the gate, I saw a man get out.  That's when I opened the door to listen to the tone of the conversation. It sounded all right, but I wasn't actually at ease until Ranch Boss returned. 

He said she had bought a vehicle but didn't realize until she was out here that it was almost out of gas. He told her that when he put in the gas that someone had pried open the flap. So maybe her gas had been siphoned out. 

She said her boyfriend, the man I saw, wanted to go to the house; but she said out in our area, a man coming to a house when it's dark is apt to get shot. That's not actually true as we have had a lot of stranded drivers (been there myself more than once) as this is a long way from gasoline or car repairs. Still, when it's dark, you really don't know what to think with any stranger, who comes to your door. This is both a very safe and a very dangerous time.

How do we live with that? It's distressing to know that one time we might help someone and they will be grateful. The next person might attack us. It's even worse for the police, who get accused of being too quick to shoot. But when they don't, they can end up dead. How do they live with something that is so much worse for them than the rest of us-- as when we run away, they run in. 

Years ago, I wrote a contemporary romance, Evening Star, where the hero was a police officer. There is a scene in the book that I think suits how we have to live with what our society is going through (for instance, where a man taking his son to buy his first car ends up with both senselessly shot to death by a stranger). We have to live with the randomness of this world and somehow find peace with it. The following is from Evening Star.

****************

You know," he said as they climbed the stairs, "there are times I understand why Jack wants to quit."

She looked up at him with shock. "I can't believe you said that. I thought you were the little boy who grew up wanting to be a cop."

He smiled faintly as he opened the front door with the key she'd had made for him. "I have my good and bad days. I want to think I'm out there--protecting the public, but half the time I'm coming in after everything's over, and the people I'm trying to help see me as the bad guy." He gave a bitter laugh. "Sometimes they aren't far wrong."

They put their still wet coats over the hall tree, and she took his hand, leading him to the sofa. "You're tired," she said. "It makes everything seem gloomier." She pushed him down, then settling onto her knees, began to massage the tense muscles of his back.

"I know I'm feeling sorry for myself," he said, grunting with pleasure as she found a particularly tight muscle and began working it until it began to loosen. "Sometimes the hardest part is I feel like I'm part of two different worlds. When I'm in one, the other doesn't exist."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm here where it's warm and peaceful. The tape deck's got Bach on. Mitzi's playing with a string. There's a fire's in the fireplace, maybe candles, a woman's soft voice asking what I want to eat. I walk out that door, and I'm on the street with some guy yelling--so strung out on acid he doesn't know night from day. I hear a kid gurgle his last breath before he ODs. I stop at a Mom and Pop store and see an old man who was beaten and robbed of his last buck. You tell me which is real?"

She kept up her strong, massaging motions, rotating the shoulder muscle, then working the taut neck tendons. "The awful thing is they both are," she said.

"Like Monday..." He stopped and seemed to reconsider.

"Don't you dare stop. I want to hear whatever it is. You've shared so little of your work, and I'm beginning to think it's been deliberate."

He sighed. "I thought you didn’t want to hear."

"It isn't going to make me less afraid to be ignorant." She hoped that was so.

"All right... Monday, Jerry and I walked into what was supposed to be a barroom brawl, but in the middle of the room there's a guy waving a knife like a machete and yelling how he's had all he's going to take. At that moment, the world narrowed down to him. I could feel the adrenaline rush when our eyes met. I knew all I had to do was draw my revolver--the guy's dead. It might even be it’s what he wanted.”

“What do you mean?”

“Suicide by cop isn’t unheard of.”

She had known about that but hadn’t thought what it meant to the cop pushed into that situation. Randy went on. “I could have shot him and justified it, but I had another choice. I could try to disarm him. I couldn't think about you then. If I had, my judgment would have gone to hell."

"What did you do?"

"I edged up to him while Jerry circled him. I lunged for his arm, came close to breaking it. Jerry knocked him over the head, and he collapsed long enough for us to get him cuffed. Nobody died, but you know there are always questions-- like why didn’t we use a taser? The reason was they don’t always work as you hope. Questions are always raised of police brutality in any case like that one."

"You could have been stabbed," she said, coming off her knees and taking the chair opposite him. "You didn't say a word when you came home. All week, you've said nothing. Why not?"

"Do you like it better now that you know?" he asked. She didn't answer. "I didn't tell you because when I got home, I could hardly believe it happened. You had a jazz CD playing. You'd waited up. Remember?"

She did; she remembered taking him in her arms, fixing him a light snack, making love in front of the fireplace and going to sleep wrapped in each other's arms. She'd had no clue that he'd faced death before he faced her.

"I needed it to be like that when I got home. Can you understand?"

She shook her head, sure she didn't understand any of what he was telling her. In the real world, people didn't face death, and yet she talked to people everyday who had, victims who had barely survived brutal attacks. The so-called real world had many sides.

"You're my grounding, Marla," Randy said. He didn't make a move toward her, sitting back on the sofa, the expression in his eyes doing his only asking. "I need you to have music playing, to be thinking about one of your briefs, to kiss me, to be the way you are. Can you understand that?"

"I suppose so, but I don't like knowing something dangerous happened, and you felt you had to spare me."

"What if I’m sparing myself?” She glowered. He grinned. “So maybe we compromise. Sometimes... I'll tell you, but sometimes I need you to just smile at me, look at me like I've just come home from a day at the office."

She smiled as she rose from the chair. They met in the center of the room. She held him tightly against her, knowing all they really had was that moment. It was all anybody had.