marketing from the land

The big deal for us this week-end will be a Craigslist ad for selling a portion of our cattle herd. We are doing this for the grass but mostly because our son, Ranch Foreman, is managing the livestock and he wants less animals as he feels his way into all that means. Although he grew up with these herds, as a kid, he hadn't the responsibility that he now feels when he's the man and Ranch Boss is in Arizona. So, reluctantly especially me) the farm has to face the reality of either finding direct buyers (my hope) or sending these animals to the auction, which I hate but has sometimes been the only way.

The ad has so far produced a fair amount of interest but not enough for the bull, Estevan, who I especially want to find a herd where he can do the job he was born to do-- be herd bull. He is easy to work around, not using his bulk to bully the other cows (as much as the cows do each other). He has been depressed, being away from the main herd (and the old herd bull, who he has connected with). An intelligent animal, he knows more than some. He is, however, horned and some are afraid of that even in an animal that is not mean. Accidents happen and that can be true with any of them with that kind of bulk and muscle.

 

So, I hope this week-end we have some visitors here to look at the eleven available animals (cow/calf pairs; heifers; young bulls; and the 2 year old bull). We have had good luck in the past with selling to the right buyers through these ads. My fingers are crossed that the right ones will come across it and the Benevolent Universe (wording in a dream I had recently) will bring a life for these animals, such as they have had with our land here where they both have shelter and the ability to wander in more rugged terrain with the leased land behind us. They live both wild and domestic. The work Ranch Foreman has done among them for the last nearly two years has made them very human oriented-- ideal for small operations.

 

As for me, I never like times of sales. I feel my personality is wrong for this work-- not hard-hearted enough to be realistic.  Too many tears fall during such times, and always have. I see these animals as personalities and some of that is due to living close to them and watching their interactions. I watch them lick each other, call out when separated from the herd or their offspring. I do not see them as a product but as beings worthy of respect where some must die for others to live. When we can butcher from the land, it's perfect for me-- born here, live here, and die here. 

I wasn't born here but I might well die here someday. It's the process of life whether living beings or what we consider the plant world, which might be more living beings than we think.

 

If anyone lives close enough to have an interest in these animals for their own land, email is  [sevenoaksranch@gmail.com] or you can use mine here at the blog [rainnnn7@hotmail.com]. I know some don't believe in eating animals; but if it's done with respect and not using more than needed, I see it as a healthy part of life. Done like this, it's not corporate ranching; but as it always was-- small and interactive to the community. 

The other side of the story

 

One of the things we have learned with vacation trailers is what is pretty and looks nice isn't any more important than structure-- which is often hard to see or evaluate. Our current travel trailer has great design features but structure-- not so much.

For instance, there are not enough good 120 volt outlets. No plugs for remote devices like Kindles or phones. Since it's a 2018 model, not sure what the reason for that could be. They sure knew how important they are to most people, who might use a trailer for vacations. There are only two three pronged (20 amp) outlets that allow for the higher power of a coffeemaker or extra air conditioner. Worse, they are not in useful locations. Like who designs these things? Not the users for sure.

I also do not like that the lights in this travel trailer are all 12 Volt-- even when you are plugged into electricity. Even worse, the thermostats, for refrigerator, heater and A/C also need that 12 Volt connection. When it doesn't work, they don't... The solution for us has been temporarily a charger for the batteries, but the permanent solution (we hope) was for Ranch Boss to replace the power center (which we already bought but cows come first).

They call this trailer (or did as they no longer use the name) an Elite. It's not. Oh, it's pretty but when your lights dim and you realize it doesn't matter that you have electricity, there is no compensation.

If Ranch Boss was not handy with repairs, it'd be worse for us; but he is. Even with that, it's a nuisance and some cost at the least. The ads brag that it's lightweight, and it is, but the weight it reduced makes it also less strong. Our other trailer has heavier weight, with less length, but a lot of wood, steel frame and insulation This one is aluminum structured, which unfortunately flexes more easily. 

The black water tank has proven another nuisance, at the least, with valves that crack too easily. What does that smell like? Don't ask. If you can repair it yourself, it means much research, buying parts, and then time under the trailer-- or days in repair shops and where do you stay in the meantime? From what I've heard of repair shops for RVs, the time there can run into months.

This roof was tan with the original design. That meant when it was 100 F outside and no shade, the heat came right in until Ranch Boss painted it white (made a big difference-)- so much for integrated design.

The outside door swings open by an air piston to hold it square to the trailer. That tool broke, which means buying something to replace it or have the door swinging to and fro. Because of the setting of the awning, there is no easy way to hold the door open. Guess it never dawned on the makers that a plastic hook wasn't going to last when it opens regularly with pressure... Not expensive to replace but why not have it sturdier? I know the answer-- because you don't see that it's plastic when you buy it.

Yes, the layout of this trailer is good, wonderful for those who work a lot at desks, but what you don't see is what will matter a lot in the end. 

One big plus is it pulls great with its lighter weight, but strong structures are important and that's what you don't see in the ads. I used to like a cable show on people buying RVs, when I still watched TV. I wondered then why not more emphasis on insulation, etc. It's all about what's pretty, which is nice but really annoying when the structure fails on little or big things.

Otherwise, we are reworking ads for the books as their recent poor sales have made us question what went wrong there. The ads must be 150 characters + spaces or less and somehow make a reader curious to learn more. If they click on the presentation, that costs money, which isn't  a big deal if there is a sale. When there is not, only the company profits. We are hopeful that the changed ads will bring in more sales for books that I believe in but  may not suit the buying public today. I think that's the problem with the trailer too-- suiting the buying public.

insects as totems-- from 2006

Always praying mantises interest me and apparently others, as this particular blog has drawn a lot of comments from those who were curious about the insects. It's been too many years since I've seen one.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Praying Mantis

This week-end, at a renaissance faire (pictures from that will come another day) I was sitting on a dusty slope covered with dry bunch grass to wait for the jousting to begin. Someone said-- a praying mantis is on your back. I have to admit, I was pleased. Really? It chose me? Wow. Let it stay there because with all these people around, it might be stepped on if it is brushed off. I handed over my camera and asked for a photo. It was in no hurry to leave.

Then they said-- it's crawling up your back and going to get in your hair. At that point I became concerned as if it got tangled in my hair, that could have caused it to lose a feeler or leg getting it out; so I asked the man to my right if he could safely remove it and put it on a small tree almost in front of us. He did so; and as it climbed up the tree, I took another picture, then lost track of it.

I believe the events in our life are like our dreams. We can dismiss them, see them as insignificant, or when something a bit unusual happens, become interested in learning more about the potential symbol.

Biologically, I knew they are a gardener's friend. Although they are named praying mantis for their front leg position, it is actually a deadly weapon. Their benefit to the gardener is their hunting ability. Aphids beware.

I had no idea they can also kill hummingbirds. When I did some research on them, I saw a photograph online, for which I am sure anyone interested can find, that showed a praying mantis with a hummingbird it had killed, and then devoured. It was a small hummingbird, but still who would have guessed that more than small insects should be wary around them.

Generally they are green when I have seen them, but they take on the color of their background which is why on this dusty slope, this one (not sure how you tell male from female but guessing it might be female) was the color in these photos. They live about a year. I did know that the female will sometimes kill the male after mating by knocking his head off before she devours him. Not always. Sometimes he's quick enough to get out of her way.

Researching the spiritual symbols, I learned in ancient Egypt it would have been greatly honored. The Greeks attributed to it supernatural powers. To some it has been seen as the guide into the underworld. It had been inspirational in creating some of the Eastern exercises to increase chi (energy). In Africa, a praying mantis is thought to bring good luck to whomever it lands on and even restore life to the dead. The Bushmen of Africa believe the praying mantis is a divine messenger and whenever one is seen, diviners try to determine the current message.

What message did I take for myself from its choosing my back over all the others around? I felt pleased that maybe it knew I would protect it-- which I did as best I could. If it had a spiritual message for me, I will be looking.

Fascinating insects. Also if anyone knows if they will eat lady bugs, who are also garden predators, please comment with the answer.

July is almost gone

Yikes, I meant to put up something for how things are going with how it is to be living in a travel trailer for a few months. Well, it would have been better if we'd have had a trailer that didn't have so many things going wrong with it. Most appear fixable but it's been depressing where it involves the basics like heat, cooling or black water (you can guess that that is). There are other things that are hard for me but that's due to my nature and not  a fault of trailer or anything else. Think too tenderhearted. 

Here are a few photos of my world right now. Likely it will stay that way until early September when we finally head back to Casa Expiritu in Arizona. Yes, we will be glad to do it, but we will miss our closer contact with our son and the love we have for this land where we had lived in 1977 until recently.

On the trailer aspect, don't know how full-time RVers manage as most of the problems relate to storage for us. This RV has a good layout with the computers and all but storage... big problem. Although it has a big TV, we haven't used it even to watch the many DVDs we brought-- let alone cable. 

One thing I wanted were shelves above the computers. I like them but haven't used the lotions much either. I am removing myself from so much. Alongside my computer is a wall with photos. That's been my project to try and feel upbeat when times are tough (think sending cattle to the auction *sad times for me when it's needed*. They are all photos of places we've been, with positive energy, and where I might hope to go again. Think positive.

If you've never been around livestock where they operate as herds, you might be surprised how much joy there can be gained from watching their personalities as they interact. It's a whole different world than corporate agriculture. If you think there is value in such small herds and flocks, find someone local from whom to buy grassfed meat. It's better for the animals and the humans who need protein. In a natural herd, they live until they die. We can't always do that as it's hard to find enough buyers but it's the goal. As for dying when life is over (sooner or later)-- We do the same. What we want and hope for is a good death.

 

 

 

Dreams and their powers from 2006

 As I've mentioned I am looking back over past blogs. When I wrote this, I had no idea that someday I'd do a LOT more research on the Yaqui culture with eventually a book, Forbidden Love, with a Yaqui hero. The book was written long after the dream but that's the power of dreams

Monday, September 25, 2006

Yaqui Woman

Understanding the meaning behind my dreams has been one of my spiritual goals. Last week I had one that still has me considering. I was tending sheep and cattle. A pretty common theme for me, but then it began to turn unusual. Some I don't remember except for thinking-- what was that? One incident I recall was pulling a drowning calf from a water barrel, then realizing under it was another, and I was able to save it also.

Then the dream shifted to sitting in a room with a woman across from me and a man behind. I knew there were others nearby but unseen. The woman told me they all were part of my Yaqui family. She said the man was my Yaqui father and in the other room was my Yaqui lover. I saw none of these people in the sense of being able to identify who they might be today.

I had the feeling she was saying this was a bit of a magical family that went farther back than the Yaqui time; and yet Yaqui was how she identified it to me so I would understand.

She said, when magical things happen, they are only to get our attention for the message; so we will listen to what comes next. The magic is not significant other than as an attention-getter. Magic is for the message but not the message.

This is a truth that maybe should be obvious. When Jesus did miracles, he did them to get people's attention, to show who he was, to get others to listen to what he had to say. This is true of most mystics. They are not caught up in the power of the supernatural event but see it for what it is-- a way to help ourselves and others be open to listening.

I woke with a couple of feelings about the dream. First was wondering if it applied to one of my regressions (which I wrote about last fall and reposted for anyone who would like to read it-- here) regarding a possible past life, one which I had thought was most likely Apache because of the area where I thought it took place. Perhaps the people were Yaqui instead. The Sonoran Desert is still homeland to the Yaqui as it was to the Apache during the time of that possible lifetime. It is also where I have a part-time home, a land I have long called one of my spirit homes. Maybe a past life was there. Maybe not.

If it was, it would add to my understanding of what that regression lifetime might have been like. I have felt for a long time that what I did in that time had cost me a soul family's respect. Did I lose touch with who they were, and the dream was a way to reconnect us? As is often the case with dreams, one can wonder more than prove such possibilities-- at least for now.

Second possible purpose in the dream was nudging me to finally read the Carlos Castaneda books about Yaqui mysticism and learn more about the ways of the shaman, something I have read some on through the years but only limitedly. The book I will begin with is called 'A Yaqui Way of Knowledge, The Teachings of Don Juan.'

Shamanism has appeal to me because as best I understand it, it's about those who heal, who help others into oneness with the land and spirit. Perhaps I will soon know more about it.

As most strong dreams do, there could be a third reason for this one, and that might be combining the mysticism I can learn through these books into the story I have been slowly building from dreams. Maybe.. could be.

(This kind of, maybe, could be computer portrait, Yaqui Woman, is mixing some reality from this lifetime with that regression of 1998 in a bit of a dreamlike image.)

Computer sagas

 Yesterday, I posted this at Facebook but decided to share it here also as it might be a good warning for someone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday was not a great day for me in terms of the computer lol. Yes, most days are good with it.

 

We had gone into the attic and retrieved the printer that I'd used at the farm house before we went south. For many months, it had been stashed where it can get quite hot.

Surprisingly, it worked right away except for one important feature-- to me. The photo tray wasn't recognized. I am one of those people who print off our photos, often of the grandkids for the refrigerator but also for albums or collages. 

 

It took Ranch Boss about four hours to research what might be needed due to Microsoft updates to this older printer, and then to get his and my computers functional with the photo tray. I was thrilled that I could get the quality of printing that it did, and with cheaper ink costs than the printer we had bought (think cheapest HP) for the trailer. So that printer went into the boot as we will need it back in Arizona since we didn't have two functional printers at Casa Espiritu. That was all good but stressful until it was done-- even though I only sit and watch, maybe kibbitz a bit now and again. 

 

So, he was off to fix a cutting chute and I was writing and reading newspaper articles-- right up until I got the dire warning-- Microsoft Support-- do not dare to shut off your computer as you have been compromised (or words to that effect). What they did was lock down my computer totally. I could not close the screen or get to my own folders. Frozen. Because I did not believe it was Microsoft or that the phone number they wanted me to call would take me to Microsoft, I took the only option I had. I shut down my computer telling it to restart... It took a long time, but it came back. 

 

All looked well, until I tried to go online and got that warning back... And again--total lock-down. Without my computer techie here, I had to either wait for him (for who knows how long) or do the other thing they said not to do-- a hard stop by pushing the button long enough to turn it all black. I did it, then waited a bit, put it back on and this time no message. Everything worked fine. 

 

If I had gone to that number, I suspect I'd have gotten a ransomware notice as they claimed they'd walk me through what it'd take to redeem my computer from the grasp of hackers (who clearly they were). 

 

That is why I mention it here. The notice looks very official. It's not. I should be more careful where I go for research as not all out there is safe. Good reminder to me. All is not what it seems. 

 

(Update on the printer-- it now makes a squeaky sound when printing from the photo tray. Its story may not be over...)

Wednesday

 I'm curious. Since I began publishing my books as an indie author, I have never had a month with zero sales. I've had better and less good months but never with nothing. That changed with July. From the first of July, I have had no readers wanting my books, and I can't figure out why. I don't know that I did anything differently but something led to an abrupt change.

I am posting here because I am wondering if anyone knows what might've led to what feels like a total rejection (yes, that's how it feels when you create something and nobody wants it). I admit we have had less marketing time with the arrival at the farm, but it was in June and sales didn't totally disappear in June. Any ideas?

 

We did get one clue. When you go to put up Amazon ads, it's now suggested to get them seen that you pay $1.50 to 1.60 per click-- up considerably from what it was. Now that does not mean sales but just someone clicked on the ad, which could even be an Amazon employee. We also read that a certain multi-billionaire's recent space flight cost $550 million per minute, and he said he thanked Amazon customers for financing it. Makes one wonder not just about the books but the rest of the many things we buy there. Still, without Amazon, how would I get my books out there without going through a corporate publishing house, something I have not wanted to do without losing control over the stories.

Anyway, we did create some new covers for the Arizona historicals (now called Arizona Hearts) but the first three only came out into the month; so not their fault lol 

 

Below is the poster as it now stands and likely will continue unless we decide to pull all the books. Maybe it'll take a reboot like with the computer . I've seen many ups and downs but never a slide like this one.

 

 

One of the books I'd been reading in 2006

 I used to write more about books I'd been reading. Here is one of those from 2006-- a book I still consider of value-- not just when between relationships but also when life isn't all we want it to be. Looking for reasons in ourselves can lead to changes we want.

books like In the Meantime

The last few blogs have been on books I have read and enjoyed. Another in that category is "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. It is about finding yourself and the love you want to be in your life with good suggestions on how to get there.

The main thrust of the book is that we sometimes live on floors in our houses that will never help us live as we wish-- floors that won't let us keep a good relationship healthy if we find one. We are running around all the time cleaning up our messes-- or that of someone else. We move up floors by dealing with our problems and growing as a person with our goal being third floor living.

The meaning to the title is that sometimes we mistake permanent relationships or situations in our lives for ones that are not meant to be forever. Some relationships are meant to be in the meantime and ones that can help us grow. Maybe even one that will someday be permanent is for now in the meantime.

It's been quite awhile since I read the book but would like to think I have continued to apply what I read. To give you an idea of what the book is like, here are a few of the many passages I highlighted:

"Everyone will find out what love is not on their way to finding out what love is."

"When you hear someone or yourself say, 'I have no choice! I have to do what I have to do!' know that you are in the company of someone who is having a meantime experience in the basement of life's house."

"When you know a thing, you do it, you live it."

"You overcome self-deception on the second floor."

"We must be willing to give up old notions, incorporate new information, change the direction in which we are traveling, and most of all take the strings off love. You can never love anyone to your own detriment. That is not love, that is possession, control, fear, or a combination of them all."

As you move up the floors, you will grow as a person with more and more capability to love as well as to know who you are. One suggestion she had that I particularly liked was taking the time to ask yourself questions-- and then even more importantly, wait for the answers. Too often we don't give ourselves time to even consider the questions, let alone wait for the inner voice to reply. She suggested if you ask a question and honestly receive no answer, don't ask a second question but come back to it another day.

"In the basement, you did not know you had a problem. On the first floor, you knew you had a problem and you learned the nature of the problem. On the second floor, you knew the nature of the problem, but you did not know what to do about it. On the second floor, you learned what to do about the problem. Now, in order, to be elevated to the third floor, you must learn how to do what you know."

More exactly what that means is why you buy or borrow the book from the library and take your time as you read it. Vanzant writes entertainingly and uses her own life for examples as to how this all works, and I personally will never look at houses without thinking of my own desire to live on that third floor in all my relationships.

I am currently reading The Second Half of Life, Opening the Eight Gates of Wisdom by Angeles Arrien. So far so good on it. Fran from Sacred Ordinary had mentioned it awhile back, and it seemed very apropos for my own thinking at this time.

When I am finished with it-- which might be awhile, as it requires considering how it applies to my life-- the next book is waiting, God Laughs and Plays by David James Duncan-- churchless sermons in response to the preachments of the fundamentalist right. This one was recommended to me by my daughter. As you can tell, I get a lot of my books by recommendation.

July 14th and what's been going on

After being out of Arizona since June 2nd, and living in a vacation trailer since then, I've learned a few things about such a life. One I mentioned, I think, that you become far more aware of the basics of life. In a sticks and brick home, or even a campground with full hookups, water, electricity, and dealing with garbage and waste, it's dealt with by someone else. We pay the garbage man to come by. We hook up a trailer or home to a system that carries away what is called the black and gray water. But if you aren't living that way, you have to deal with it.

For garbage, we are sacking it up and after we have enough (we use more than I thought), off we go to the dump where we pay varying fees to throw it into a hole prepared for it.

For the black water, we bought an item that looks like a suitcase. When we believe the trailer's tank is getting full, it is dumped into that. Because we are living on the farm, and my mother was living for many years in a mobile home there, the suitcase was taken over there to dump into the family septic tank. More work by far but it gets it safely disposed of. 

 

We bought  a trailer with more space in the living area but with a tiny bathroom and bedroom. It has little space to move around (nice shower but with a step down that requires watching out). We store towels in what they call the linen closet, which is in the hall outside the bathroom. I will add that in buying a trailer, be sure you walk through it. No really big person could get between the bedroom and bathroom in this rig. 

 

We appreciate having the space in the living area for both our desks, but not enough shelving and that's still on a list to add. I do not know how people who make it a full-time home manage-- many smaller than our 36' rig. We'll use it for I think maybe 4 months, and the cats and we will be glad to get back to the stick and bricks, but I also have enjoyed this experience and the cats have done better than I expected.

For electricity, we tried to hook up to the ranch home plugs, but they weren't enough and with the heat we had at the time, that was a problem for a/c. Ranch Boss had some experts come out, evaluate whether what he wanted to do was a good idea. When they didn't have time to do it, he bought what was needed, got on a ladder, and connected it to the shop and barn electric line, which gave us 50 amp service, what we'd have wanted in a park. Lately, the temps have been in the 80s, for which we use the Dometic in the ceiling as well as the portable unit that Ranch Boss bought in Bakersfield. One thing to know about extreme heat and trailers, the a/c units just can't keep ahead of it-- not enough to get down to the 70s. But, we do okay in the 80s due to our time in Arizona maybe.

Living in small quarters means disposing of anything not needed, and it's amazing how little is needed of what we easily have in stick and brick housing. 

For our time here, the internet is available from the house by wi-fi; but we can't use as much as we'd use back in Arizona as it's a shared system. Still, it's more than we expected. Since we have not tried to get television, our news comes from the internet as well as emails and connecting to friends on Facebook. We go light on how much we use it.

The biggest loss is no cell phones, which is tough for business and to talk to family or friends. We knew it'd be an issue. Putting in a landline to the trailer, where we won't be here long, is not economically sensible. But I had no idea how much we benefit from cell phones for so many things.   Ranch Boss  finally got wifi-calling working on his cell -- part time, my phone is too old. We can though connect with others with emails and texting-- for those who text.

But, here's the plus. From the trailer, I can watch the cattle, sheep, and then often the wild turkeys because the windows are big. It's different than living in the house, but it's satisfying enough for the length of time we'll be here for the work needed on the farm, things we want to leave in better shape than when we first left over a year ago before the pandemic hit and travel became impossible for a while. Vacation travel is back, so finding places can be a challenge. Still, this is an experience I am enjoying even with the problems.

My writing on my books is really sad and has been since the pandemic hit. I had started a book last January ,and it's had nothing added ever since. We also have done little marketing while out and that has killed sales. I hope they can come back someday lol For now, it's been the least sales we've seen since I began putting out books and advertising them. Yikes!

2006 Wave action and quotes

 When I post this, it'll have been a long time since I've been to the coast. The photos and words are worth remembering. All photos are ours. Maybe we'll get back there this year. Maybe...

Monday, October 16, 2006

Wave Action

Pretend you are sitting above a cove along the Oregon Coast. You can hear gulls and sea birds crying in the distance. The sound of waves crashes against huge rocks. You draw the salty air deep into your nostrils and let yourself feel the surge of energy from the sea. It surrounds you with the sweetness and regeneration of life

The quotes that follow are ones I have stuck above my desk to read when I most need to remind myself what is important. They each came to me different ways, from blogs, books, friends, to my own search for inspiration.

Each of these wave images can be enlarged if you want to spend an extra moment and think on some of the words.

"What would it be like if you lived each day, each breath, as a work of art in progress. Imagine that you are a masterpiece unfolding each second of every day, a work of art taking form with every breath."
Thomas Crum

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin

"Feel your feelings. Stand out in the rain naked and let the rain wash your soul."
email from a friend

"Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a winged bird that cannot fly."
Langston Hughes

"Life and death are of supreme importance. Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost. Each of us should strive to awaken! Take heed-- do not squander your life." Evening Gatha from the Great Mountain Zen Center

"If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it."
Annie Proulx

"Dreams are ncessary to life."
Anais Nin

"Om Namaha Shivaya"
which I got from a friend, who told me the meaning basically meant surrendering to god. I have since read that there are other possible translations but that one suits me as well as any.

"The power of God is within me, the grace of God surrounds me."
from the same friend

And then there another which I don't need to have written down. I used to carry it on a small piece of paper that became very tattered as it went everywhere with me. Now I carry the words in my heart.

"Let my love like sunlight surround you and yet give you illuminated freedom."
Tagore

(These words and pictures from Whale Cove and taken on my birthday have been a bit of a break from the political which will resume next blog, but I believe we always need to keep the big picture in mind. Be alert to what is important in the world but on a personal level, live a life that is true to our souls. It fits one more quote-- Think Globally; Act Locally. And that starts inside our own hearts.)

thinking about fear in 2006

 Friday, November 17, 2006

FEAR

There are a lot of acronyms for fear but my favorite is:
False
Expectations
Appearing
Real

Is fear ever a valid emotion? It is definitely one used by politicians, religious leaders, even in our personal relationships. If you don't do this, eat that, accept my way-- bad things will happen. It doesn't matter if the bad thing is even really possible if you believe it is.

Some would say fear is important for a culture to direct the actions of its populace. Without it, would we allow terrorists to run amok in our countries? Would we steal our neighbor's stereo if we weren't fearful of the consequences? Would we personally commit all kinds of sexually evil acts without fear that hell awaited? Would our children behave politely without fear of parental retribution?

I would ask, aren't there other emotions that help us lead a healthy life more effectively than fear? I think there have to be because to me fear is always negative.

Yes, being scared when a real danger approaches, is a survival mechanism. It increases our adrenaline flow and enables us to act-- whether that is fight or flight. But fear also releases the same adrenaline but with nowhere for it to go. What does it then accomplish? Ulcers, heart attacks, stress diseases, etc.

Recognizing when something is dangerous and reacting to avoid or avert it does not require fear at all. In fact, fear can actually stop your effectiveness in a real emergency. I remember hearing the family story of a kitchen stove fire. Everyone was trying to put it out; but one aunt, who has a good excuse in that she was heavily pregnant, panicked and ended up stuck behind the sofa. The others left her there, safely out of the way, until they got the fire out. We can become so paralyzed through fear that we simply can't react at all or let someone else determine our actions to our disadvantage.

Where it comes to outsiders trying to control us through our fears, that's bad; but it's our internal fear that does us the most damage. Some of that has been instilled by parents who thought they were protecting us from hurt. Some is from people who are scared themselves and want us to share their fears. Sometimes it's through experiences of seeing things not work out for someone else, (or maybe even ourselves), and we quit trying out of fear of worse happening.

Changing a path because something didn't work out is not wrong. It might be the wise choice, but not when it's because of fear. It should come instead from a reasonable assessment of risks and gains.

Some think we should fear God-- not the awe type of fear but actual physical fear and they believe it's the best reason people will accept a religion's rules. This also makes money for a lot of would-be spiritual mentors who sell charms or use it to talk you into taking classes that will teach you to protect yourself.

I believe fear of hell, despite the belief of some fire and brimstone preachers, isn't the best motivating force for being spiritual. I don't think worrying about every action you take having a negative karma will do anything but stick you behind the sofa, legs flailing while others take care of the work.

Sometimes in personal relationships, we fear speaking our minds. We might lose that person if we tell them what we really feel. I have found, for me personally, it's better to open the closet door and with courage (as much as I can muster) face the potential monster. If there is a monster, I can battle it or run. If there never was, I can sigh with relief. Either way I am going to be happier and healthier.

I don't know about you, but one of my bigger life tasks has been realizing when fear is making choices for me. Most of the time those fears are could bes or possibilities, and I have been treating them like the real thing.

Because of fear it won't last, there are relationships we might never take the risk to enter into. While it is true that in the flesh nothing lasts; I believe, in the spirit all the love we have ever created, all the risks we have taken for the highest good, none go away. They not only enrich those around us and our own lives, but they put energy into the world encouraging others to likewise live with love. Putting fear out of our lives makes us stronger and stops others from manipulating us-- personally or politically.

What have you done when you have realized fear was making a decision for you? Any tips you can share with others?

(The above photograph was taken six years ago in Tucson, Arizona. The summer thunderstorm was awesome and the aftermath just as satisfying. This photo was taken to share the experience with a friend, but the picture ended up being one of my favorites as it says so much. There are those imposing, dark clouds, the remnants of the storm, but beyond is the light breaking through. It is the feeling, I think, we get when we have faced a fear and overcome it, breaking its power to control us.)

Caretaker or Destroyer from 2006-- except the hawk

This photo didn't come with that blog but seemed apropos-- how some can be caretakers and destroyers
 

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Caretaker or Destroyer

Do you ever wonder how some people can do such horrible things to others? Do you try to understand human nature and what makes some work to stop atrocities and others turn away? How do you explain to yourself something like-- Hell comes to Chad?

It is in the nature of animals, human and otherwise, to divide ourselves into groups as we try to stay safe, find comfort zones, and understand life. Our human groupings tend to have a variety of reasons for existing. Menses types want everybody to know how smart they are. Beauty contests label the fairest of them all. Religions divide people into saved and unsaved. Sometimes human divisions are on the basis of birth and can't be changed no matter how someone tries. Sometimes they are a series of choices made to belong to what seems to be the 'right' group.

A long while ago, I looked at such groupings and didn't see it as working for me. I saw that there were similarities between people that went beyond the usual labels. I simplified my division-- Caretakers and Destroyers.

Sometimes, in the beginning, it can be hard to discern where someone fits, but eventually it becomes obvious. Very few people would want to see themselves nor do they want you to see them as destroyers. Most justify their actions-- no matter what they do, they claim it's the right thing. Even less want to think their acceptance of certain things might make them destroyers not by their direct action but by their acceptance of destruction as the price they must pay for their personal security or prosperity.

The Constant Gardner is, in its essence, a film about caretakers and destroyers. Based on the book by John LeCarre, it is the story of a man who wants to live a peaceful life but is pulled into an alternate universe. It is one he might have suspected existed but preferred not to acknowledge.

The film illustrates well how all the destroyers are not firing guns. Some do it through choices they make that lead others to die and they don't care because all that really matters is their own benefit. In The Constant Gardner, the bad guys are on the ground, terrorizing, shooting, enslaving, starving others, but they are also in government offices, in corporate boardrooms where they make decisions to test drugs on unsuspecting Africans as well as give them free medicines that are out of date and sometimes of no use-- except for their own tax write-off. (Read, Pharmaceuticals and Africa, in case the idea of such things actually happening is beyond your imagination.)

Most of us don't know enough about what is going on in the world. We cling to our secure zone and try to tell ourselves the evil being done is not our responsibility. But when we don't do whatever we can to stop such atrocities, are we being silent partners to the destroyers?

Kind of going along with this, the most recent Tony Hillerman mystery, The Shape Shifter, has a character who also divides people, but he does according to prey or predator. That fits fine with my definitions and extends the meaning of caretaker. Caretakers don't have to be weak or prey. They can fight for what is right. Just as destroyers don't have to be strong. Sometimes to be a caretaker requires making the hard choices; but in the end, caretakers work to build life, make it stronger. They are the ones who solve problems, who create worlds that last. Destroyers destroy or enable destruction.

Where all this matters most is when it comes time to vote, but it can be about where we donate and what we purchase, the friends we make or choose not to make. Being aware has always been important but maybe never more so than today.

Years ago, we had a beautiful example of a caretaker personality here on the farm. It was an Appaloosa horse named Kitty Dawn. When lamb or calf would be born, if the mother was not right there to take care of it, Kitty would forcefully guard that baby from all that might endanger it. She would stay by it until we saw the situation and took over. It wasn't part of her herd-- except in the broadest sense of the word. Too bad more of us don't see our herd in the broadest sense of the word.

best laid plans

When we got to the farm, we learned we do have some internet but it's slow and has to be shared with others, which means limited usage. Still nice to have a bit but glad I had the older blogs to be shared as anything big is not possible. 

Here's where we are. I won't get started on all the problems getting here as not feasible with limited usage. It's been an experience is all I'll say and some jobs are being done-- with more heat coming than we had expected for living in this travel trailer with limited a/c...

All I will say is-- best laid plans of mice and men :)

Mysticism and what is it from 2006

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The Mystic Northwest

That could have as well been spelled mist-ic this week as the clouds hung low over the valleys and sat on top the hills. We don't often see traditional white Christmases in northwestern Oregon, but we do see a lot of white through frost or fog.

The fog can be so thick at night that it's like pea soup, but the day before Christmas, it was light, serving as a reminder of the mystic feeling of the coastal range where I live. The hills are broken by river valleys that sometimes run west directly into the Pacific Ocean. One hill over, they might flow east to larger rivers that head for the Pacific by a different route. These hills, from northern California up into Canada, are the fertile soil for many myths of the Native Americans who first lived here (First Nation as they are called today in Canada).

When the Luckiamute band of the Kalipuya peoples lived in the area I now call home, cedar forests towered over the land (where the people had not burned them off to enable the Camas roots, berries and other foods they depended on to grow).

Some would build cedar longhouses; and in them, the people would sit around the edges and watch as storytellers with wonderful robes and masks retold the myths of how their people came to be and of the dangers that lay beyond the firelight.

There were stories of Big Foot throughout these hills, but also a wild woman. Dzunuk-wa was a creature of huge size with a black hairy body twice the size of a human and red eyes that glowed. Her lips are shown pursed in the masks that are still made to depict her. "Uh, huu, uu, uu," the people would hear in the distance and know that the one, who came with a basket on her back to steal away children and eat them, was nearby. The children always outwitted her due to her poor eyesight, but she had powerful knowledge of the forest where she dwelt and was much respected-- and feared. Was she a female Big Foot? Who knows...

She is only one of the many inspirations for carved masks that depict the myths of the people, myths intended to teach people (as they are with most Native American stories) the wisdom they need to survive in a world that could be dangerous to those who were ignorant and unwary.

(There are many images of the Wild Woman in museums and shops in the Northwest. This image came from Free Spirit Gallery.)

Creativity and its other side

 

Thursday, November 03, 2005

the other side of creativity

For me, creative expression is the wind beneath my sails. It's what I do, how I feel good, how I express me. This comes through writing, sculpting or painting, but I have tested the waters shallowly in many mediums-- made a few quilts, sewed, done some macrame, tole painting. My creative expression shows up in my home, garden and lifestyle choices. When I explain who I am, being creative is high on the list.  

Lately I haven't done much sculpting but these are some of my clay sculptures. Most set in the attic as I have not been successful in selling them, but then I haven't put the effort into selling that I did into creating. I feel a mix of emotions about them and my other work-- a stack of paintings are up in that attic as well as 11 completed manuscripts on my hard drive (ranging from 85,000 to 140,000 words). I feel proud of what I have done-- finished works, skills learned-- but not so proud that I haven't worked harder to get them out into the world. I have done a lot of things in my years but marketing well is not one of them. It feels like a mix of failure and achievement when I think on my works. Like I let them down. 

 

 I don't have one clear reason for why I have not been better at doing what I see as the other part of creating. Some is not fitting the market. I can say that about the books at the time they were rejected-- those that ever got submitted. 

 

When we hope to trade our artistic work for someone else's dollars, we have to meet their needs. I don't blame the market when what I have done didn't succeed in that. But that's only part of it. Part of it is I haven't tried hard enough and this goes back to another part of creativity. We create it and then we put it out for the world to judge through sales, showings or even contests. These paintings, manuscripts and sculptures are pieces of me. They are my babies and when someone else looks at them and says pedestrian work, not enough interest to them, it's like they are saying it about me. 

 

An artist who has the whole package believes in their work, believes enough to get out there and send it again and again to publishers or to galleries. Maybe I'm not a true enough artist or maybe it goes back to the recent reading I received from the medium where she saw the negative patterns in my life. Number one was I didn't trust enough, that I felt I would lose whatever I gained; and number two was I didn't have enough belief in myself or my abilities. I would guess that's true of a lot of us and the way past it is to take the risks and keep taking them until the barrier is broken-- but the reason we don't goes back to the patterns. Sometimes not believing in my work is not a mistake. I mean it's not wise to kid myself on what I'm doing. I am not as gifted a painter as my friend at Golden Acorn. I don't know if I never quite developed the craft side of painting or just don't have the gifts, but it doesn't stop me from enjoying painting. It does cause me to often not show it to others. What ends up on the canvas has not yet been what I had seen in my mind. 

 

When I got online for the first time some years back, I learned how many people can write well. It was an eye-opener. The main difference between those who have published books and those who have not is at least to a degree marketing skills. I intellectually know the process, have read how-to books, talked to agents, other writers, but it is one thing to know what you should do and another to face your baby (and creative work is your baby) being rejected yet again. Wait a minute. Those characters were good. Didn't you laugh at that part? What was not to like? Sometimes an editor says you can change this or that and we'll consider again except either you can't do it or it goes against your sense of what the work was supposed to be about-- creative integrity vs marketing reality.

 

I am working on getting past these blocks. My problem has not been in having ideas or finishing my projects. Or maybe it is. Is it really finished stacked in a dusty, cobwebbed attic or will it only be finished when it has moved to someone else's hands?

Dreams from 2005

 

Dreams

For years I have gone through periods of time where I get dreams that are vivid, in story form, and applicable to either my life or creativity. I have dreamed story ideas, paintings, seen troubling options illustrated for their consequences and very much enjoyed the times of the vivid dreamworld. 

 

The idea for this painting came from such a dream where the woman had feathers, was like a kachina or Isis and it led me to rereading who Isis was, some sketches and finally a couple of paintings that varied around the dream. I believe it's important when I first wake to try to retrieve any dreams that are lingering and sometimes I lie for a few moments putting together the stories, the colors and any images that are clear. Most times there is nothing important to remember. 

 

This week I had ones I call medicine dreams (as in their meanings go beyond what I was doing and are for helping me). Two mornings I could remember the important aspects but not today. Although I remembered it when I first woke, by the time clear awareness came, it was gone. All I know for sure is it was negative and not sure why I lost it. The earlier dreams illustrated current life situations-- one night being full of barriers which I have been feeling a lot in my life and the world at large. 

 

Sometimes without any help I can come up with the meanings of the dreams but other times by looking in a dream dictionary I can consider meanings that would not have been obvious to me. I went looking for that site after the night I dreamed of a skyscraper, elevator, dragon, and a couple of other symbols that were not part of my regular life and seemed odd to be in my dream. I live a certain kind of rural life that normally is used in dream illustrations. I have come to believe for the most part that in my dreams the people in them aren't as critical to the meaning as what happened. I think my subconscious uses whoever is handy to illustrate the needed lessons. 

 

Although I do not, as some do, keep a journal alongside my bed to write down everything, usually in the morning when I am up, I do write down the gist of the dreams as only a few will I remember well years later. The dream dictionary was a helpful source when I had a dream where I was going to jump from a rocky ledge into bright red, molten lava and then opted to decide that would hurt too much and reconsidered it with instead throwing myself in the cool blue of a beautiful ocean. Both were symbolic of optional ways of solving life problems and actually could be figured out for myself if I stopped to think-- anger vs peace. I have never had truly prophetic dreams but I often have very illustrative ones of what is going on with my life, and I try to remember and use them.

Passion or an obsession from 2005

The first of my old blogs after I sorted through them before losing internet. I found enough to cover every Saturday until September 4th. I might or might not be able to  put out some things midweek, but it will depend on getting internet and at the farm, that means cell coverage, which is not in the house at all. Will it be in the vacation trailer? If so, it'll not be a lot. I am taking my water based oils and acrylics; so might do some painting, which doesn't require internet :)

The below picture might be where the trailer ends up... All undecided for now. The mobile home you see beyond could be an eventual more permanent solution when we visit. It was my parents' and they both died in it. Might I also??? Life is so uncertain. It needs a LOT of renovation before that can happen and this year, with all the needed farm work, that's not happening to turn it into a tiny house.

As for this topic, in some ways, it's an old one but then we see people getting too close to wildlife with that desire to be one with them and it's not really that old... Well, that and how we separate passion from obsession for ourselves.

Passion or Obsession?

I have been reading Grizzly Maze the story of Timothy Treadwell's fatal obsession with Alaskan bears-- in particular grizzlies. It has made me think about the whole thing of when passion crosses the line and becomes obsession. Is one healthy and one not? If so, what converts passion into obsession? 

 

 The dictionary says obsession is preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling. Passion follows along the same line, even to the state of being in pain but doesn't say it's unreasonable, but then there is the Passion of the Christ. Was that passion or an obsession-- certainly if we used commonsense, as we think of it, it'd be an obsession that brought Christ to the cross. Maybe obsession is what takes someone into a realm of creativity or action that changes worlds whereas passion just leads to the bed-- figuratively speaking. 

 

Treadwell certainly had an obsessive desire to be with bears, to become one with bears (something he actually succeeded in albeit not quite as he had doubtless planned). Still he lived his life exactly as he chose, lived it right on the edge and while it eventually did kill him, was his a fitter end than overdosing on a Malibu beach? Perhaps his obsession saved him from mediocrity even if it did shorten his lifespan. If he had sat at home where it was safe, read books on grizzlies but not gone out to live amongst them, might that have been called a passionate interest? 

 

The bear experts have fits to imply that Treadwell did any good but is it any less valid to do what he did than sit on the sidelines measuring and observing? Treadwell lived a vibrant, passionate life and used all the tools at his disposal to maintain doing that. Did it accomplish anything? Does anything in the end? A life well lived-- even if a bit unusual-- might be the only real accomplishment anyone can claim. "The reasonable man adapts himself to the conditions that surround him... The unreasonable man adapts surrounding conditions to himself... All progress depends on the unreasonable man." George Bernard Shaw 

 

There is nothing reasonable about obsession, you can't argue with it or talk someone out of it-- at least not until they are ready to release it, but have obsessions been why we had a Van Gogh who painted even though no one bought his work? Is obsession why we have electricity? Is an obsession why we had Lewis and Clark or Columbus or so many others who set out on an exploration with no certainty they would return? How about Crazy Horse or Sitting Bull? Are great deeds logical? Was the concept of a Round Table and Arthur's Knights a passionate quest or an obsessive one? As best we know it, it led to Arthur's death and failure of the experiment-- except the dream grew possibly into something more than it ever was in history and even today lingers on in men's hearts. Can great deeds be attained by acting sensibly? 

 

Is a life lived sensibly superior to one that bucks the odds and reaches out for that obsession even if they fail? Certainly for every person who had an obsession that led to a medical breakthrough, there were thousands or more who had it and it led to madness or an old age of disappointment. I have experienced more than a few passions in my life given my nature but I believe-- at this point-- I have only had one obsession. It definitely wasn't sensible or logical. Even today I think on it and my blood rises, my heart beats faster. I don't necessarily regret that experience, but did it get me anywhere to go through it? I don't believe I handled it well but was that the fault of the obsession or my being unprepared to handle it given we live in a culture that stresses mediocrity as the safest venue for anything. Risk implies failure as part of its nature. Obsession is risky. When I began writing this, I was convinced obsession was bad and passion good. Now I wonder if obsession might be a gift we don't appreciate enough. I think I may do some more research on the topic...

living space

 Because many aren't aware of what vacation trailers offer, I thought I'd post a few photos before losing internet. I think not having it will be the biggest deal for me, but we aren't sure if we can have some at the farm... maybe. In the meantime, we set this trailer up well for working. The first photo is what you see as you climb the steps to the entryway.

The person from whom we bought the used trailer had changed some things for his own use-- a big one was taking out the booth and two TV watching chairs on the slide. That worked well for us as we then used that space for two desks and a work table, more fitting our needs than the booth would have been. More changes might come as we and the three cats live in it next week for a few months.

There are things we still want to change and get more workable for us-- also finding places for dirt boxes, one of the issues when traveling with cats. We also are not sure we'll get much use out of the outdoor entertainment area but time will tell. That and creating an outdoor yard for the cats to be safe and not too far from home base. You can see the small bathroom through the open door. It also has a door to enter from the bedroom, equally tiny but the main space is for the living area.