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Friday, January 08, 2010
After thinking about what I said in the 2010 blog about how I want to be more than I am, I thought I better add a postscript lest readers think that means I am miserable in being who I am.
Whether this will sound like the right thing to say, I like who I am-- a lot (and that includes being 66 years old). I feel so incredibly lucky I have had the life I have had. Biologically and environmentally I was gifted on many levels.
It starts with my family. I have often thought how fortunate I was to have the family I had and that which I still do. That does not mean it was/is perfect, but it suits me perfectly. I used to tell my daughter that she was perfect to me. She didn't get it until she had children of her own and then saw they can be perfect to her even if not perfect literally.
A perfect family (whatever that might be) would not be as great a gift as having one that was complex, where there were challenges, but one that helped you be who you are-- even if that came through obstacles (some of which I never did surmount).
I love the genetic mix that I was given for what I have looked like. I could have changed the feature that most would be criticized in the culture in which I grew up (nose with a bump), but I didn't do it. At my age now I am delighted I didn't since I see it as being unique, and I don't want to look like everybody else.
To say I really like myself is not to say I am perfect, nor that I see nothing that could be better. That's the whole point of change and working toward more. It's not that I have to see myself as inferior to want change, but rather that I believe in myself enough that I know I can be more. If I can seek that through ALL of my life, right up until the day I die, I will feel it was a good thing. To sit back and say, that's enough, that is all I want to be, that seems to me the road to stagnation and atrophy. You can enjoy being who you are while still working to be more.
Throughout my life I have been a person who asks 'why' even when it often isn't popular to ask. It's in my nature to wonder about things, relationships, life. It is not in my nature to ever think I have the definitive answer. I might think I have the definitive answer for now letting things go for awhile to pick them up later and see if that answer still works. To me, all of life is organic and growing. Change is part of that.
In my eyes, my biggest flaw (and my friends and family know there is more than one) would be that I tend to get into too many things through that wondering and not really go deep enough in any. I know about a lot of things but not a LOT about many of them. I am a person of diverse interests instead of one great passion. I regret that in some ways, but we are who we are. I find people who have that one great passion to be quite fascinating maybe because it's my own missing element (so far).
I could try and stick to one subject, make it my cause, but I know I wouldn't do it. Somewhere along the way I'd be diverted off by something else. I have accepted that I will never have one great gift. On the other hand, I find life endlessly fascinating and am almost never bored.
Finally, I got an email from [Stephanie Ellen St.Claire] that happily fit with what I had also been thinking regarding 2010. Whenever that happens, I feel an encouragement to trust my own insights. Because I know not everyone is into astrology and it's a lengthy look from a psychic, channeler, and astrologer, I decided to put it into Rainy Day Extras for those who are interested in checking out alternative ways of looking at life.
(Incidentally some are calling it twenty ten but because I called it two thousand nine, and will probably call it two thousand eleven, I call it two thousand ten.)