advertising or not...

As an experiment, I have tried word verification and moderation to reduce the number of spam that easily swamp my email box. Word verification works but inconveniences readers who have genuine comments. Moderation really doesn't work for me at all as a lot of the spammers are not just posting on the current one but way back-- and they still show up but I just keep them from posting.

So now, with my email box once again overloaded, I am going to try what someone commented worked-- no anonymous commenters. I really hate doing that but if it works, it will be what I stay with. Commenters can use OpenID, but I know some don't want to do that. I will miss comments; but if this works, I will not miss the multitudes of spammers that I think mess up our whole internet by their over usage that accomplishes nothing for anybody not even whoever they are paid to spam by. Whoever buys anything from their efforts? I doubt anybody but they must profit from doing it somehow and they have gotten very ingenious in what they say before they slip in their link.

Frustrating to have to do this because of an abuse of the system but that seems to be the story of modern life...

On a higher note, we were at the Albany Public Library (2450 14th Ave. S.E.) on Saturday to give Diane Widler Wenzel a hand with adjusting the height of some of her paintings there in her exhibit-- Making Memories. Well, we weren't helping so much as the tall Farm Boss who could reach what it would take a ladder for her to get up to.

Her exhibit is on the second floor and covers examples of her art from 1966 through 2013. It's an extensive exhibit going from one end of the second floor to the other and she put a lot of work into the meaning behind it. Diane created signs that explain some of her thinking in the creating; so check it out if you are in the Albany, Oregon area as it will be there through June.

Delusions and illusions

One of the things that makes life tough is separating what is real from what is illusion. It's not easy. We read something in the paper and think-- wow, that's neat... right up until two days later when we find it might not have been all there was to the story-- the real hero? You know, whatever the truth of who broke in the door, the media has the hero they want and convincing them otherwise won't be easy no matter what really happened.

Confusion over what really happened is more of a problem if we are following stories live-- or if we believe these commentators really know something. It also happens to us if we believe fiction in books, television, or film has reality to it and then wonder why our lives don't match up.

curious about me down along the creek

Ronni Bennett had a story this week about an eighty year old woman and if you haven't read it, this woman's viewpoint has been mine a lot recently: a sexually liberated woman.

Actually I didn't have to wait to be 80 for that. I think I got liberated in my fifties. When I began painting nudes-- particularly men... and then sculpting both sexes without clothing, it was not okay to do it and I really didn't care. Now I write romance novels-- again not okay and mine have sex in them. Oh my.

Well, liberation isn't really ours unless we take it rather than wait around for it to be given. If it was given, doesn't that mean the real power is retained by those who gave it?

a cover design I won't be using

I have noticed that what she wrote she is enjoying so am I-- admiring healthy, physically attractive people mostly of the young adult sort. When I am out somewhere, I admire the way they move, the beauty of a graceful body. I don't think-- oh I wish that was me as at one time it was. I just appreciate it now because as she wrote-- it stirs the juices. It doesn't require having sex to be a sexual person. It requires being alive to sexuality.

look in the shadows and you'll see it

Something happened this week to remind me of illusions versus delusions when I thought I was saving a hummingbird from our two cats. I heard it whirring outside my window as I was writing and then saw two cats looking up at it with a bit of a mystified or was that ready to pounce look.

Since we have saved two hummers this year, I was very upset when the third was killed last week. So I was not about to let this one be killed. I yelled my mean mama scream and ran out which didn't impress the cats as they kept looking up as the 'hummer' sucked from the nectar of the columbine. I grabbed a hose and sprayed the columbines with water which immediately caused the cats to head off.

After I had cats inside, I decided to see if I could photograph the hummer at the columbine. It was when I discovered it wasn't a hummingbird at all. It was a type of moth. It whirred its wings like a hummingbird, had the look of one; but it was definitely not which probably explains the mystified look on the cats' faces as they didn't try to jump it. They had yet to decide what it was.

I'm unsure but think it's a variety of sphinx moth and maybe one called hummingbird hawk moth. None of the photos I see online quite look like it. It does though have a proboscis that can get the nectar and some favor the columbines

This business of deciding what something is is part of the dilemma we face right now in our country but also in the world in a time of more division, rancor and paranoia than I have ever seen in my nearly 70 years.

The Republicans are trying once again to bring Benghazi into some kind of story that can impeach Obama and destroy Hillary's chances for ever being presidency. Listening to a pundit like Huckabee, you'd think they found a smoking gun. They have taken an illusion with some facts-- four people were murdered that night-- and turned it into a delusion that they believe because they live in their own bubble.

Despite what Fox, Issa, WND, Limbaugh, etc. say, I have seen nothing new about the Benghazi story. I thought maybe there was but heard the testimony of what was called a whistle blower. It was more that he felt wronged by being critical of no military sent in and then demoted (whether for that reason or another who can know). So he's mad but has he said anything we didn't know? Not from what I saw.

Yes, Benghazi represented a tragic loss of life. So does the war in Iraq and Afghanistan not to mention elsewhere around the world. Yes, a request for backup was decided couldn't get there fast enough to save the lives that were lost. Libya was at that time a very violent place (watch the documentary-- How far to the front? for how Tim Hetherington was killed there). But that isn't enough for the right wing who need some way to impeach Obama or derail Hillary. They say we must make sure this never happens again. Do they believe what they say or just expect their loyal following will?  When they push us to more wars do they think about the lives lost in them? 

Anybody in Benghazi that night knew it was dangerous. Three of the men were hired protection. The ambassador clearly understood the risks. Could he and his security force have been protected? Only by staying in Tripoli maybe. Christopher Stevens was killed by smoke in what should have been a safe place during an attack. Those things happen. But it's not enough that it was a tragedy. It has to be a conspiracy.


The right wing is going nuts with conspiracy talk. Obama is trying to destroy our economy, buying up all the bullets, lying about his birth place, secret Muslim, gay marriage, etc. You just think they've let go of a delusion only to see it crop up again.

This talk is not about improving the world or our country. It is about stirring up every wingnut out there. This week Farm Boss was down to our rural store and heard someone, he'd never seen there before, spouting off about Obama and how he's trying to destroy our country, etc. etc. He said he thought about saying something but wisely kept his mouth shut. I told him later that it might even have been a government person looking for militia people out here-- and they most likely are out here as I've seen their flags a few places, you know, the yellow-- don't tread on me.

I think with most Americans it's a good time to sit back a bit to let it all shake out while hopefully we increase security budgets for our embassy employees in dangerous locations (oh can't do that as it costs money?). Don't let anybody else tell you what to think or what the truth is right out of the gate (and that means right or left). Chances are it won't prove to be. Delusions are easier to come by-- especially for those who live in bubbles where all they hear is those of their own ilk.

I think we ourselves are sometimes illusions. Because I recently came to hate my profile photo here (that happens a lot to me), after we got back from shopping at the plant nursery, I took some new photos. It was one of those days when every photo came out great. When I was writing this, I thought well that's the photo when it's all going well but how about the other times when I'm not wearing make-up, have on my glasses, and don't give a ... (incidentally, I might be one of the few people who uses lipstick to lighten the color of my lips, not darken them)

Illusions -- except 

which is the illusion?

perspective... or not

As soon as I post something like I did on Saturday about joy in life, depression follows. It's like saying-- we never spill milk on the rug-- and immediately it gets spilled. Or it's going to be sunny, good day to wash the car-- only it rains Anyway Monday night it was hard to sleep, too warm and it didn't really cool off until morning. Then Tuesday I felt a bout of depression such as i haven't had for awhile-- a long while. I had to remind myself-- it's okay to feel this way once in awhile. I've experienced some bouts of depression, and they never feel good, but they do pass.

The following videos helped me on that particularly dark day when it was brightly sun shining outside. It's possible that it's a good idea to make some of these or put together a photo album about our own life and experiences for those times when life isn't all we would wish-- most especially when we don't know why it isn't. 

 and

 

   

or

  

 Sometimes it's all about getting some perspective...

The best years of my life

Reading articles and blogs by others, it's interesting to me especially when the thinking relates to old age. We all get there eventually if we are lucky. What will we make of those elder years? What is possible to make of them? Are they different than earlier years or does it all flow along with only physical changes as the true differences? 

We are all different for how we age, how we have lived. I can only answer those questions for myself, but I've been thinking about it for assorted reasons.

Some people get to old age and have regrets. They wonder what if I had taken this road or that. How would their life be different? I think about it but more from -- wow, supposing I hadn't been able to have children? Supposing we hadn't gotten the farm when we did? Supposing I had spent my life wishing for things I never got? How would that change my today?

Well I did get what mattered most to me, but I admit my goals weren't huge ones. I have not gotten everything that I thought I'd want, but I've come darned close.  I didn't dream of being a prima ballerina or a famous artist. I didn't dream of wealth. What I wanted came under the realm of what many want except maybe the farm where not all wish for living a rural life and raising livestock.

The farm is a huge aspect of my life today; and although it has its problems and limitations, I can only think what a disappointment it would have been had I never lived this life as I wanted it so much. 

And it wasn't a short term want. I grew up on a farm and I could only think how much I wanted back to that life. I got it. It's not the farm I might've imagined wanting, but it's so darned close that the differences don't count. I have lived and am living the dream I always had. 

Where I may not be able to convince others that they should buy my books or that they have the quality I think they have, I can write and nobody can stop me. The dreams we have that depend on others are the most iffy for bringing us joy.

I am one of those people who has known throughout my life how wonderful certain moments are. I've savored them and lived them fully at the moment I had them. I then have no regrets about what I didn't get or what didn't last longer.

When my children were small, our daughter three and our son six months, I remember thinking-- this is as good as it will ever be. I am at the height of joy. I am strong as a woman, in my own prime at the age of 26 or thereabouts. I remember especially one moment when I was at Mass. I sat in the pew, my two children on each side of me, husband just beyond. I knew my strength was as strong as it likely ever would be. Although I knew my children would grow and that was what made the current years so precious, they were mine at that age in a way I also sensed they would never be again as the world would reach out for them. It was a time of pure joy. And knowing I had that moment then makes this moment joy also because I lived it totally with no regrets then either, no wishing it ahead or behind. 

Living in the moment is a joy but so is knowing that some specific moments are special. I have had so many of those in my lifetime. I won't go into them all, but the important part was that I recognized them when I had them and can relive them on the rare occasions when i think back. I feel joy at knowing i didn't miss what was possible.

That is how I am living old age. Aware in the moment of what I have and savoring it. My body is not the strongest it will ever be but it's still strong enough to do most of what I want it to do. It's not the most beautiful it has been. There's no doubt I do sometimes look in the mirror and go-- oh my gosh; but I believe letting go of the need for beauty of the more sensual sort is part of living happily with old age. Surgery is a way around acceptance, but it doesn't fool the body for its real age. While I would like to lose weight I am not letting that wish ruin what is.

The writing I have been doing is work but also a joy even though marketing is not. To be writing original stories gives me such pleasure, but I remember when doing sculpture did also and painting a painting that came out as i wanted it to come. Creating and the joy it brings doesn't mean others appreciate what I do. If I had to receive that from others, I'd find this a less pleasurable part of my life. If I instead concentrate on doing the best I can and letting that be my joy, then what someone else thinks about it can't hurt me. It can teach me.

Putting my books out proved to be a joy to me also. For the first time what I wrote was available for others to read. They could choose not to, but I had taken the risk of putting it out. And it does take some being willing to do that to put any creative work out and into the market where it can be rejected. Again, it's creating that is the joy; we can't determine how others will perceive it. If we let that be a factor, we will be depressed or joyful but always dependent on someone else, not ourselves.

Right now for this stage of my life a lot of my creativity is about writing and creating characters and plots. But the beauty of this moment also is-- something else might yet lie ahead. I don't have the feeling of some oldsters that the best years are behind me. The best years are always right where I am-- not denying its reality and sometimes limitations but fully living them. 

Later this year, I will have my 70th birthday.  I believe one thing is true of life. There have been wonderful moments. There have been those I just had to get through. In the end though, the one I am currently living is the best because it's the only real moment. That will be true until the end of my days. That doesn't mean, when they come to my mind, that I cannot savor those past times that were the best then. They are part of this one.

 At the beginning of this week, I turned off word verification and am just using moderation. I hate the word thing as they are so hard to read, but I may have to go back to it. I don't mind moderating but what I dislike is having my email swamped by spam and right away they were back. grrrrrr I guess they must be computer activated as it's the only explanation i have for how they are so quickly back. I loved the month without seeing all the spam in my email but I'll see how my patience holds up for how long before word verification returns...

Beltane

Despite the calendar telling us that summer doesn't begin until the Solstice, here in the Pacific Northwest, it begins May 1 with Beltane. Celtic festivals follow nature and reflect it unrelated to religious demands-- pagan or otherwise.

Beltane

For Beltane, there used to be the May pole to dance around but not sure many still do that. Where I live, and in the lands where the Celtic religion originated, it is the time of hills turning green, trees in leaf, wildflowers everywhere and gardens full of color. The days are growing longer; the birds are building nests. It is a time for eager anticipation of summer weather when we can swim in rivers and hike in mountains that winter denied us (unless we snowshoe). It is a time to celebrate the renewal of life. It was the day in 1910 when my father was born in South Dakota.

What I didn't know about Beltane (or had forgotten) is that it is also the time of the coming together of the god and goddess, of male and female.

"Handfastings (Pagan marriages) are traditional at this time. It is a time of fertility and harvest, the time for reaping the wealth from the seeds that we have sown. Celebrations include braiding of one's hair (to honour the union of man and woman and Goddess and God), circling the Maypole for fertility and jumping the Beltane fire for luck. Beltane is one of the Major Sabbats of the Wiccan religion. We celebrate sexuality (something we see as holy and intrinsic to us as holy beings), we celebrate life and the unity which fosters it. The myths of Beltane state that the young God has blossomed into manhood, and the Goddess takes him on as her lover. Together, they learn the secrets of the sexual and the sensual, and through their union, all life begins."            From  The Shaman's Well, link above

Romance is the bread of life. Love is a worthy of celebration as artists and writers seek to capture the elusiveness of human reasons for mating.
 

I love thinking of Beltane as a not just a celebration of spring but one of sexuality and love. It is what the continuation of life is all about. And it's not all about opposite sex relationships as love between adults is love wherever it's found. And love, for those who have found each other through all the pitfalls (and there are plenty) is always a precious thing to celebrate.

 When I painted, I liked to paint emotional connections between people. When I did sculptures, I looked for poses that illustrated the same. Now it's books; but it's always what I am drawn to capture whether in clay, paint or words. 

The sculptures are all fired clay. If I get back to painting again, I hope I can do more couples in various poses reflecting love's moods.

beauty in the eye of the beholder or... is it?

The following is a story that led me to think about the question of physical beauty in humans although I had it coming to my mind for a couple of reasons which I'll discuss below.

Kicked out of Saudi Arabia for being too good looking?

As usual, Jezebel is funny on this. 

Beauty as a plus or minus was on my mind after I woke up one morning wondering if why some people dislike romance books is because they are generally about beautiful people-- female and male. 

Chick lit can be about beautiful women, but it's generally less inclined to be so. A lot of novels barely cover the physical looks of their lead characters. Maybe Jane Austen's romances get a pass from some readers because their heroines (if not heroes) describe themselves as plain or not the beauties of their family. Wuthering Heights had a beautiful heroine, but she paid the price for it. I am trying to think if there are many literary novels where a heroine could be rewarded for physical beauty? Often it's a road to tragedy like Anna Karenina.

Could it be that some of the reasons readers dislike romance novels is because of whom they are generally about-- the beautiful people who do get  a happy ending? Might it be that it's not so much the romantic part but that physical beauty in male and female irks some readers? Is beauty a plus in life or does it have a downside that leads to resentment from those who don't feel they possess it (even though they might)?

I saw in the paper that the new People magazine was out with their most beautiful women in the year issue (which, no I won't be buying). Gwyneth Paltrow has the top this year. It's always interesting how a woman or man can be most beautiful one year and lose it the next but alas the way of beauty, I guess.

So while she is labeled most beautiful by some. She was in another poll as most hated. Does her beauty factor into both? I've read that some resent her for pushing healthy eating. That's a reason some resent Michelle Obama who is probably one of our most beautiful first ladies but because her figure is more of the goddess sort, some put her down in an era where toothpicks are admired not sensual curves.

As I get past the age of worrying so much about my own physical beauty-- and I guarandamntee you that as a woman gets old if she cares too much about her physical beauty, she's going to be miserable-- doomed to get surgeries, inject poisons, diet constantly and even then not be able to match what she once was-- I am interested in a rather abstract way as to what beauty is. 

We live in a world where beauty is treasured and reviled. It likely always has been thus. Culturally what is regarded as beautiful varies quite a lot. I've talked to many women who don't consider themselves beautiful and yet to me they are. What's that about?

Just out of curiosity I thought about this question-- how many really beautiful people are there? One day when I was at Costco but had not gone into the store with Farm Boss, as I waited in the truck, I critically looked at the faces for physical beauty or even extremely interesting faces. This was obviously not a scientific study. Since I have not done this before, I cannot even say it was typical for Costco shoppers.

In that hour or less, there weren't any physically beautiful people period-- most especially none in mid-years. Is physical beauty that rare? I'm not sure how many faces I saw but say 100 and zero that were beautiful. Writing books about the physically beautiful or even having our movies generally be about them-- what's that about if it's not how most of us are?

Another thing is in youth there is a lot more beauty or at least cuteness. Do we lose it in mid years through expressions? Weight? Attitude? Mid-life is where there are a lot of pressures-- does that impact people's faces? Interestingly besides teens tending to be at least cute, the elderly are often again more attractive -- at least it's how it seems to me. What is there about an elderly face, white hair, a lot of lines and something that really does say beauty? Maybe the attitudes have softened?

I had another question. If some readers reject romances for being about physically beautiful people falling in love and finding a happily ever after, who are the readers who do buy these books? Best seller lists regularly have romances on them. A recent series of books (grey something or other) about a beautiful woman, very handsome wealthy man along with kinky sex not only sold over 40 million copies, but is about to become a movie. Can you imagine that degree of success had it been about a pudgy heroine and balding, kinky but wealthy hero? So in some cases beauty sells and in other cases it's a block? Some say that book got its popularity not for the kink but the stereotypical romance of two beautiful people.

I have no idea but beauty is a factor in life. I have even heard from those who think Obama got elected president because he was good looking (and yes, I do think he's a handsome man). If so, why didn't it work for Romney who is the prototype male for being tall, handsome, square jawed, and with good hair?

Images purchased from Canstock to use in trailers for books.

the good and the bad

Although I had no intention of writing again about the Marathon bombings and resultant gun battle and chase, I can't resist commenting on the ridiculousness of some of our US Senators. Yes, Lindsey and John top the list once again with Peter not far behind. What is wrong with these guys and even more how do they keep getting elected?

I get it with Lindsey in a way as he is in a Southern state that would not easily elect a Democrat. When someone has been in power as long as he has, his own party doesn't run anybody against him but seriously, South Carolina, you can't do better???

Lindsey is one of those people that when I say whines, I am not exaggerating. He began as soon as there was the chance they would get the second bomber alive. Enemy combatant, he said with that way he has of irritating me the instant he opens his mouth. Seriously, this guy who would defend the Constitution forever and ever, for the right to own assault rifles and against any kind of background checks, was part of throwing the Bill of Rights out the door after 9/11. 

Now he and his ilk would have not read the murderer his Miranda rights and wanted him declared an Enemy Combatant thereby giving him a level of legitimacy that he does not deserve. These guys were murderers plain and simple. Just because they want to see themselves as soldiers in a new crusade by a new Tamerlane does not mean the rest of us should become so nutty. 

These two Boston killers were just like all of our homegrown mass murderers have been. Losers using some pathetic excuse to attack winners. But what would Lindsey and his ilk do-- give him credibility. Rush him off to Guantanamo where they haven't had any successful trials (in the United States we have put on trial terrorists and successfully put them away). With Guantanamo who knows even who they have. If this guy had been sent there, we'd never learn anything more about what he did. 

I would shake my head over Lindsey except I have long since given up thinking that our country will elect reasonable, responsible and intelligent leaders in all states. Democrats also have had their share of rotten elected officials. I just wish we'd learn from it and kick out the current crop of those who work for lobbyists not the people.

They can interview this current killer all they want and get anything he says because they will not need any of it to convict him of heinous crimes-- brutal murders and an attempt to frighten the United States-- this done by two people who got help from this country and rewarded it by kicking it in the face. That does NOT mean every immigrant should be judged likewise. It would be like saying every Senator was a Lindsey Graham.

Americans come in all different kinds of sizes as do immigrants. After the bombing, we were given story after story of heroism with those who put their own lives on the line potentially as they helped strangers.

One of my favorite stories was the man who had lost his son in Iraq, gone through a terrible bout of depression but was there that day and applied tourniquets to save the life of a man who had had his legs blown off. This was captured with the photo of one man with a cowboy hat holding his hand on another in a wheel chair who is being rushed to get surgical care. 

Think about it. That one man saved the life of the one man who was standing right next to the bomb when it went off. The one man who saw clearly the killer and met his eyes as he set the bomb down. The one man, who as soon as he came out of the anesthetic, asked for paper to write what he had seen. He's the one who led to the early identification of the bombers, who since they were building more bombs likely would have killed more.

So one man saved the life of another with no idea at that point that it would lead to the capture of the bombers. That is how life goes and there is something like it all the time in life. Thinking on the positive side lets us pay attention to what happens but also let it go. 

BUT-- South Carolina, get that guy out of the Senate--- please!

Bleeding heart photos from a hike Monday in Beazell, a park beautifully set aside for everyone to enjoy by one family's desire to see its beauty preserved and a county's goals to make available to appreciate.

Earth Day

For wildflowers,

earth day is every day.

It should be the same for us 

the nature of life

Once again, a blog that I wrote I put aside-- but at least that one will show up next Saturday as it was about a truth I wanted to discuss. It just doesn't fit today with the week America just went through.

In terms of news analysis, I see no reason to discuss here what everybody could be following if they had interest. If they did not, then they didn't want to, and I won't try and shove it down their throat.

My week though revolved around the news and several items which all swirl into a whole and worked for me as a voyeur of life. When you write, you use things. You absorb. Most of the time you cannot afford to take what you observe personally or you'd go nuts-- which does happen to some writers. In my case I feel emotional connection to some of what I hear because of the old-- there but for the grace of god go I-- although in my case I don't believe that. I think it's fate and what fate is, that I have no idea. Is there a purpose and plan? No clue. But I do know that my week had a lot of elements that are beginning to build an emotional whole regarding a story germinating in my head. How does it happen such things coalesce? I haven't a clue but they often seem to do so.

So I have been reading books about a period of Oregon history in the 1860s where Eastern Oregon was enduring a lot of violence. It was coming from many sources. The Indian tribes were not happy that so many settlers had come into their traditional homes. They saw potential to rob and kill as a way to enrich themselves but also force the interlopers out of the area. That meant the interlopers struck back and between cavalry and civilians, there were attacks on both sides. Much blood was shed. 

Some people like to think they are living through a particularly bad time-- mostly those who think that way have no real clue as to the meaning of that. How terrible a child would go to a Marathon and lose his life. Yes, but my parents lived through the fear that polio would do the same thing. Before that there was no treatment for so many illnesses. Danger isn't unique to one time or period in history. When it happens to us, it's the worst, of course; but reality is life has always had dangerous periods.

When things happen like the Boston Marathon bombing, humans want to find someone to blame. Ironically the blame this week has been pushed onto the far right by the far left and the far left by the far right. Both sides have those who are blaming Obama but for different reasons. That's the irony of life and especially of political decision making.

Then we had the Senate voting to not extend background checks to gun shows-- again massive blame games. I've heard a lot of lies regarding this bill but here is what it actually says  

S.22 - 113th Congress

Why anybody wouldn't want that is beyond me but by the time the right wing got hold of what was going on, people like Rush Limbaugh had twisted the facts so badly that they had no clue what was in it.  

This battle for sanity on gun regulations cannot be considered over. We who wish to walk into a mall, we need to continue with the battle for reasonable gun laws while we recognize that won't help with bombers with political or life grudges. We will also be confronting those who fear guns and we who own them with the idea they can get rid of all guns as a way to reduce violence. It isn't going to be easy to hit the middle on this, but the middle often does win such battles-- if they stick to it.

Politics is a messy business and I was reminded of that when we watched Lincoln this week. That is a great film on politics and the impact they have on ordinary lives including that of those who make the laws. Names and parties may change but a lot of the mentality we are seeing argued through right now was in that period of time also. 

How do you get things done that you consider important? Well avoid hysteria. Stick to it. Understand the big picture. Do what is required which won't always be what you wanted.

For me that means donating to political candidates in other states who have my view on guns-- which is that they are legal for some citizens to own but they need to be regulated as to what kind of guns can be owned as well as who. I don't want someone who has been identified as dangerous, by law enforcement and mental health officials, to be able to walk into a Walmart and buy a gun. I do want to keep my guns so long as i use them responsibly. For people who are afraid of guns, don't own one.  If you want to see me as part of the problem because I do, I consider that your problem not mine.

So quite a week for discussion of violence. Then I chose something voluntarily to add to it. I watched an HBO documentary which I thought was very good on the psychology of war and those who cover wars-- How far to the front? created by Sebastian Junger on the work of a photojournalist who was killed in Libya but had lived a life recording war until it finally got him. Even if upsetting, it is an excellent film on the psychology of war-- but war should be upsetting.

Everything that happened this week is helping me put together the background i needed for the book I will start in a month that will be about the war in Eastern Oregon 1866-67 (approximate on the years), about the military of that time and of course, a love story. Politics, violence, emotion, danger, nature, love. It will have it all. My favorite kind of story to write.

Last week was definitely not my favorite kind of week to live because even though most of us were a long way from Boston, we can so identify with those there. How sad it is that some live to hurt others but at the same time encouraging that there are others who live to make this a better world. The amazing thing was that they were able to take the second suspect alive. Maybe we will get some answers but I won't hold my breath for that.

The photos are from an assortment of years and places and a reminder that life is good despite bad times. When those bad times come, we just have to get through them-- hopefully with the help of each other.

I thought this was interesting regarding how they got the lead they needed to get the first of the murderers

how they got their description

Now as to why the bombers did it, how many there are, whether it's a political motive or just a group of losers (a lot of what does it in our country), those are the questions we won't know for awhile. Chechnya connection does not guarantee a specific motive. If they get some alive that's the only hope for an answer and not always then.

What interested me with this is once again it was an ordinary citizen, the man who lost both his legs, who as soon as he regained consciousness said he had seen the man's face who planted that bomb. His ID helped authorities get the photos out of the crowds. 

So often I hear-- leave this up to the authorities, trained people, but so often, as with so many of the lives saved that day, it's ordinary people who know what to do and do it.

Hopefully soon they will have the rest of the killers whether it's just the one surviving brother or more involved in this plot.

view from yesterday

 view out our front window yesterday

I write here once a week-- other than when something happens that I really want to write about and don't want it to be one of the weekly posts which I try to keep positive. 

When I scanned the news yesterday, which I do on my computer in between working on editing right now, I saw the first mention of what happened in Boston. I turned on the TV which is never on during the day except for such. I went to three of the cable stations and after listening to them for awhile, I turned it off.

Yes, television news can be first with the most but one of their problems with such events is they want to prognosticate with the tiny number of facts they have and they don't remotely have enough. Every American already knows the possibilities that are out there. We don't need commentators with diarrhea of the mouth to keep telling us who could have done it or how many other bombs are out there or anything that isn't confirmed news and is just somebody said to somebody. They could stick to the facts. They could quit putting banners over the top of the images they claim to be showing us. They could but they won't.

My own thoughts on what happened are we just have too many people in the world who don't respect human life-- their own or anybody else's. Sometimes that means whole governments. Sometimes it is political groups. Sometimes it's a loser at life who wants to strike back. I don't know what you can really do when such happens except grieve for those who lost so much and try to come up with better ways to monitor people in crowd conditions; but if we lose our own freedoms in doing that, the terrorists win (and they are all terrorists whether it's using a gun, knife or bomb because they want to scare and intimidate others with violence and fear as their tactic). 

In some ways there is no preventing them from winning because they take joy in what happened and nobody sane or with respect for life possibly could. Those few who do gloat over such violence, they are in league with the terrorists no matter whether they would do such a thing themselves. They are part of the deed.

The rest of us just have to realize that these times do pass. Other countries have gone through such periods. We have to be informed, alert, pay attention when out, but not stop doing things out of fear. 

I wish there was something I could think of that is positive about such events though-- something uplifting. There was the response of the people there who ran toward the trouble to try and help. For the one person who would do such an act, there are thousands who try to help others and risk their own lives doing it.

But it doesn't really make us feel better because those rare mad dogs, they can hurt so many innocents, and we really cannot stop them every time. As they say, we can stop hundreds of such attacks and do, but they only have to succeed once to win because of how they see life.

One of those days-- or make that weeks

  The rosemary which survived when the sheep got through a gate I had not closed well and ate down a lot of the early flower garden when I wasn't there. Fortunately, they don't like rosemary.

Friday and it's one of those days already. I had an idea for the blog on Saturday, and it fell through. This is not how I like to write. I most enjoy it when I do things ahead of time and then have time to look them over at the last minute but not have to do a total new topic and writing. On the other hand, writing something loose is probably good once in awhile...

 no, i don't really use a crystal ball to prognosticate but wish I could

The week had a lot of news that would be worthy of writing about-- if I was in the mood to write about politics or world events. I've tried several times with Chris Hayes's new program (replacing Ed Schultz) but frankly MSNBC has been losing me anyway because it is so much about politics with round table discussions. 

I get real tired of listening to 'experts' discuss some topic even when it's something as big as North Korea threatening nuclear attack. Some say it's nothing to worry about but what do we know about the young man who took over that country? How much power does he have? Does he value the life of his people? Is he educated about real world consequences? I have no idea. Depressing to say the least to think someone would play so fast and loose with nuclear destruction-- and yes, I know, I've heard it from some of our leaders also. That does NOT make me feel better.

At first light one morning, we had two little foxes show up in what will be our vegetable garden when enough comes up to prove it. They were so cute but they also were barely visible and no way I could get a photo of them. I was fortunate to get some great photos of one last year at this time much closer and standing still for the many photos.

Farm Boss did some research on foxes. Last year, this is the time we saw the one above. We think they probably have a den up on the hill above us. This would be their breeding season which might explain the twosome. We also learned they will eat vegetables which might explain holes in our tomatoes in the past that I assumed came from slugs. The fence will soon be up, but I would not mind planting some just for them-- except the sheep would get those first. 

The hummingbirds are here and have been for two weeks or so. That's good. Bad is that we have one cat, Blackie, who is addicted to going after them. He ignores every other bird but something about their sound or speed and he wants to catch them.Our theory is that he knocks them down with his paws (which have well trimmed claws).

hummer photo  in Tucson as getting a photo here hasn't happened yet this spring

The good news is that so far this year he has delivered them without wounds or broken wings which means we can take them from his mouth, put them somewhere to get over the shock of the experience, and they eventually fly off-- hopefully a little wiser although who knows. 

I have a feeder up but hummers need insects, and he's getting them low down and the two this spring with a mouthful of grass in one case and moss in the other. At least it cushions the teeth. Still it irks me as of all the birds I love, it's hummingbirds that top the list. One thing about cats is-- they don't give a damn what we think and this photo says it all about him.

There has been a debate going on in the MOA forums at Amazon where a reader expressed her desire that there be no sex in the books she reads and her frustration that romances seem to either have sex or Christianity. She doesn't want either. I added a few comments on the topic since I do write sex scenes, and although I don't consider it critical to the plots, I don't intend to stop as part of a whole relationship between lovers.

When I gave her the name of a few writers I knew who don't write sex, she changed her requirements to each book has to be over 288 pages. The problem is page number doesn't really indicate length of book, eBooks aren't page numbered but even if they were, print size, font, photos, extra chapters, table of contents, etc., all play a role in even kb size. I suggested word count is a better indicator of the actual length of the book-- too much work, she said. About that time, I realized the topic was going in circles which is about the way I have felt everything has done for me this week.

So a few photos and a lot of frustration with the hope that my blog for next week goes better ;) It did give me a new label-- blah! My title for the week-- no, that doesn't include nature which as always gave me a lift when my own work wasn't.

 

just flowing along

 the quince is 

finally blooming. 

happy hummers

I am loving the calendar I chose for this year. April's bit of wisdom had such a great quote as a goal for the month.

Anything and everything can become our teacher of the moment, reminding us of the possibility of being fully present: the gentle caress of air on our skin, the play of light, the look on someone's face. Anything and everything-- if it is met with awareness. 

Jon Zabat-Zinn

 Where it comes to being in the moment, do we have to let go of all the questions? Do we stop compartmentalizing, something I'm quite good at? I think compartmentalizing gets us through a lot of our complexities and yet do we live a whole, organic life when we do it? Maybe being in the moment is just another compartment... 

 Reading the newspaper, talking to a friend, sitting at my computer to write or read, thinking of loved ones, considering my life, where it's at, what I want it to be, all of these things lead me to be aware that I am again compartmentalizing. I am where I am and who I am at the moment, but if I stop to think a lot of other aspects of what matters are also there at the moment.  They are what I have put aside for thinking about at a more appropriate time.

What gets me even more than compartmentalizing or boxing is realizing all the other people I have been. Should I integrate them into the me of today or are they in the past and gone. Frankly, it's hard to believe the little girl playing with the paperdolls she had made, the one heading to school and feeling out of place, swimming in a river or climbing a hill, those were all me. 

The way we age, the different roles we take on, the choices we made that preclude other choices, they are all boxes of a sort and enable us to function or are they what keep us from the whole that we secretly desire?

Maybe the boxes are like when we take a photo and narrow down what is out there to the tiny part we want to capture. They enable us to concentrate in a way that constantly considering the 'whole' would not.

Part of what has made me think about this is frustration over so much that is going on in the world. I am trying to put the political stuff from me as it's an ongoing worry/depression machine, but to even think about the cultural issues can become overwhelming. If I turn on the news, it's all aimed at creating a culture of rage which might be effective if it led to positive change. Does it or does it instead just lead to upset?

How about instead thinking about this video, one of four or five that we took, neither of which tell the story of what it's like to watch hundreds of geese take off and land on a pond.

 Finley -- March 31 

If we, as humans, could be like our stream, changing with the seasons, moving on but not trying to figure out what is coming would we miss a lot of what being human is all about or is it the true secret to a happy life?

 our stream April 2. 

I am soooooooooo 
ready for summer.