Actually, I would have titled this 'sex in the age of the internet' but didn't want search engines to deliver every reader to me who hoped for something salacious. This is more a sociological look at sexuality from the perspective of-- that depends on what the meaning of IS is.
Is internet sex really sex? Are those who engage in it, as so many have done, actually cheating the same as if they had an equal number of real time sexual partners like John F. Kennedy allegedly had?
If a person doesn't get sexually excited at the idea of showing someone else a nude photo of themselves, this is all kind of strange territory. It's strange for me where nudity is a natural thing not a pornographic one.
In the interests of being open here (photos will not be illustrating this piece), Farm Boss and I have taken nude photos through the years. The first were in our twenties with a borrowed Polaroid camera. That was fun. I lost those particular photos a few years ago as I had them in a manilla envelope where I kept other photos I was using to help me with a painting (I was doing both nude paintings and sculptures at the time). I set the plain looking envelope aside and somehow it (with them all) disappeared. Very bizarre but unless the angels took them, I am guessing they got thrown out by accident which is a shame given I was young then and the photos a lot more flattering than those in later years.
Off and on, in assorted outdoor settings, we did them, but all were what I call artistic shots-- like a bare breast against a cactus-- not literally against it, of course. None have ever been pornographic and not remotely seen as sexual by either of us. If you have seen the photos that Alfred Stieglitz took of Georgia O'Keeffe, you have the general idea of what these were like.
As a humorous side note, back then, if they weren't Polaroids, we had to take them to a lab to get them developed and that was the risky part because these were never intended for anybody but ourselves and to help my art work. One year we had been in Tucson, taken some down along Sabino Creek in a remote area, found a one hour lab which seemed the safest way as they had less time to look at the images. When Farm Boss went back to get them, the guy gave him a funny look and said they weren't quite ready. Our assumption was he made copies for himself. Those were the risks you took back then and nothing you could really do about it either.
Now with digital and webcams, it's quite simple to get photos and have them safely developed-- unless you send them out over the internet. That's where the rub comes in and what made the difference between what say John F. Kennedy did and now what Anthony Weiner did. Weiner left behind a cyber trail of sexually explicit photos and words that didn't just leave it as one person's word against another. He left positive proof and gave it to women he didn't really know which means he had no idea how they would use any of it.
Although this essay really isn't about him, it is triggered by what happened to him. It's about the internet and sexuality. It is how I think people who have a problem with firm boundaries get in trouble because it's now so easy to step over a line-- inch by inch. Farm Boss and I might see what we have done as being artistic and done for the sheer fun and challenge of being able to do it-- not for a sexual high. I am no fool to think it's how they might be seen by others. As what is acceptable to one person is horrifying to another.
When I painted nude paintings of men and women it was because it was for me liberating and yes, innocent. It wasn't about sex but about nature. It was and is a part of who I see myself as-- a being of nature.
And to those who don't see nudity as ever okay, it's why it might seem strange that I find what Weiner did to be the opposite of liberating. His actions, and those like him who use the internet as a way to be a legal voyeur, were all about ego enhancement, his own.
Maybe it came from a man who had been a boy women didn't desire and he has spent his life trying to reassure himself he is desirable. Maybe he's one of those people who loves a double life, likes secretly knowing he's a bad boy while he pretends to be a loyal husband or servant of the people. Maybe he had an addiction. I don't really know. I don't even want to know, not one more thing about him. I just want to quit hearing about it.
Why he did it, well that's for psychologists to ruminate over. BUT what he did next, that's when it applies to any of those who want to play around, at a distance or close up-- are they willing to pay the price if it comes out? Weiner not only lied. He tried to cover it up and the cover up became the worst offense to most people. He went into panic mode; and it appears has ruined his career and if he's not lucky, his life by what came next.
I think (personal opinion) that if someone wants to play around sexually, nearby or far away, they better have counted the cost. Sure a lot get away with it but a lot more do not. It is amazing how easy it is to find something coming out in a totally unexpected way. If you can't pay, don't play. Weiner hadn't done that, wasn't prepared for what he'd do if he got caught because if he had, knowing what else was out there, he would have admitted the truth the first day as the Republican representative from upstate New York did.
Sexual relationships in the age of the internet definitely have changed the options and the risks. For one thing, you really never know if who you are talking to is who they claim to be.
It's easy for me to see how someone can get in over their head fairly fast if they don't have boundaries clearly established. Weiner said in his press conference that there were six women... my guess is there are more and he was listing the number with whom he scored (if you can call it scoring). If there are more, one who is underage (a story that is circulating) then he's about to have legal troubles to go along with his social and career ones.
In the years I have been online (and sometimes in person), I, like probably many of you, have had those who have said something to me that I recognized as a testing of the waters for something more than casual. Only a very few, back in the chat room years, tried to go beyond that if they didn't get a favorable response from me. So I am guessing that Weiner hit on a lot of women, some who might've encouraged him first or others that he just liked how they looked; and if they responded at all, he was off with it and whatever he got out of a long distance, physical only with himself relationship. That is what the internet can provide, and whether a person sees it as a blessing or a curse depends on how it is used.
The internet, where it comes to personal relationships, is a lure and a hook. It can be used in a very positive way, to bring in information from around the world, a network that is seemingly unlimited for its potential and from which we can very much benefit, where we can make friends from anywhere. It has spoiled me totally for how fast I can get an answer to a question say about history, but there is a potential dark side to its use. The options are all under our control-- for awhile.
If people don't have a firm sense of their personal boundaries, then this kind of seemingly loose system can get them in huge trouble! I am not totally sure how we learn what appropriate boundaries are for us, probably taught by experience and parents (who sometimes are wrong), but a sense of boundaries are essential in a world where the culture doesn't force limitations onto people but often punishes them when they step over a line which they may have originally thought was harmless but ends up anything but.
And with the Weiner story, it's hard to say where it will end, hopefully not with a tragedy. He was reckless and didn't know the people he talked to or even their ages--not for sure. If he was sending such photos to someone underage, then he will face criminal charges.
It's too bad he didn't have a sense of boundaries because now we hear he and his wife are expecting a baby. Hopefully whatever happens with his career, his possible legal problems, he can get this together before he becomes a Schwarzenegger.
13 comments:
I envy the cave men and women. I really do.
I was thinking of 'The Governator' while reading this piece, Rain...Talk about No Boundries...OY!
I am not a therapist but it sounds like Weiner unconciously or whatever was taking chances that he had to know could possibly jeopordize his career....Tempting fate? I don't know. From what I have heard, he is a very smart guy....But sometimes men are so ruled by 'their deal' (to use Letterman's expression,) that all caution or sense goes right out the window. He has a problem---that is for sure.
What you say about the Internet is so true---all of us kind of dont know who we are talking to on the Internet--At least, with blogging, you have a much better sense over a period of time. I never did 'chat rooms'--They held no interest for me---so I don't know about that, except I think I always felt that was unsafe because it was an unknown.....
I feel for Weiners wife, of less than a year....!!!
And pregnant. A sad situation. One can only hope he gets his act together.
Hi Rain
Re: your comment on my blog, it's not Blogger, it's me. I had some old drafts taht I posted and the dates on them were old so they showed up in your blogroll as being from a month or more ago. I should have posted them first and then posted the recent one. I'll do better next time! ;-)
I once knew a married man who fooled around online, he said he loved his wife and had no intention of ending his marriage, but he kept taking greater and greater risks that I couldn't help but think that secretly or unconsciously he wanted to be found out. In the end she did and kicked him out and he was shocked. But it sure seemed to me he was asking for it. I don't know why people do that.
My cousin worked at a photo processing store in the 70's. Whenever nude photos were found on someone's roll of film extra copies were made and pinned to the bulletin board.
Wally, I am not surprised. It seems dishonorable to me that they did that but I figured a few did. We hoped by going to one-hour places where they had a lot to do, they'd have less time for it, but it was the risk you took. I don't regret it. It was fun and added to our enjoyment for the challenge as it's not all that easy to take good shots that way. Lighting, background, pose, all has to be right.
There is a funny story that goes along with this which I heard some years back. This guy was taking care of his grandparents belongings after they had died. He discovered taped to the bottom of a chair a manilla envelope and inside very stiff and uncomfortable photos of them both-- nude. Now I don't remember where I read it or even if it was a friend telling it to me but I thought it's why such envelopes should have written on them-- burn if you find this-- or burn it yourself if you know that time has come as it's nothing kids would want to find. Grandkids probably would do better with it :)
The more photos that come out with Weiner, the more I think he was only in love with himself; and if he gets anything from therapy, I'll be surprised. It sounds like he's only doing it to keep his job.
Running naked in the free! The first time I did that in the 60's was down a hillside in Santa Cruz and woke up the next day covered in poison oak.
That is a nightmare lol But there are many things to watch out for when skinny dipping or whatever out here where we have deer flies etc.
I got involved in intimate relationships in Second Life. Here one can create an avatar, be young and beautiful (or dashing), imagination knows virtually no limits.
There were a lot of lonely people there who became involved with others, many with real life partners... virtual affairs, really. Finding emotional and intimacy needs being met in a virtual world that were lacking in the real world.
I found it mostly interesting and shared my experiences and discoveries with my wife; I know for a fact that many others did not do so.
I drop back into Second Life from time to time. It is a fascinating and creative place.
That was interesting, Robert. I think the key is here you did have a sense of boundaries and you didn't lie to your wife about it. It just added a fun experience to your life and seems to have worked for you.
Farm Boss knew someone into that world of avatars which engaged both she and her husband. She said it ended up taking up too much time (they had small children) and becoming too real; so they quit it.
For all we know Weiner's wife did know what he was doing and he's protecting her because if he said she knew, it's cause many people to attack her next. Sexuality is quite the issue to many people-- more to those who wish they could do something and feel they can't perhaps than anyone else...
As always, Rain, you put so much thought and wisdom into this piece. And today Weiner resigned; I'm at work but just watched a clip at CNN. For four years, several years ago post-divorce, I was a recreational nudist and it was scary territory for me at first. I enjoyed the freedom it ultimately brought me to accept my body and that of others, although there were definitely sub-groups in nudism who were very sexual.
The Internet is a whole new ball game and I like what you said about boundaries. What I don't get is how high profile people are so "out there" with this stuff knowing that the world has access to everything we say and do on the Internet. Privacy? No such thing.
We also visited some nude beaches and tried that out. It was fun and I agree people were there for different reasons. I also love to skinny dip if it's a safe place, don't even mind if others are around if they are there for the swimming. We enjoy the hot springs in Oregon and most have communal hot pools where people wear suits and others where they do not. A natural hot spring, surrounded by rock, ferns and hot water, totally nothing like it.
I think whether nudity is thought to be a natural state vs objectionable, depends on the interpretation of the individual -- sorta like looking at a Rorschach Test. You may have heard the old joke about the Psychiatrist administering the test pictures to a patient who reported seeing something sexual in every one. The Dr. confronted the patient with concern about that fact. The patient retorted "You're the one who showed me all the dirty pictures!"
Re the Internet and boundaries, I think you're quite right. I also think people may have temporary emotionally vulnerable time periods at key points throughout their years due to life experiences/events. During some of these times they may be more susceptible than normal to instances of weakness that may be boundary-based as well as for other reasons. I also think Internet interactions can create a false sense of intimacy, especially if a level of trust has been fostered and thought to have been established. Can be a judgement issue in some cases, just as selecting friends in regular face-to-face life.
I've never been in a chat room but I think some individuals most vulnerable might be people new to the cyber world, computer use or Internet. When TV first came into mass use, there were individuals who were convinced some of the people they watched were now their friends somehow, or even talking on the screen specifically to them. In their minds they had a personal relationship with that individual -- newsman, talk show people, for example, or whoever.
Those were excellent observations, joared and good additions to this conversation which might explain how the same person could do something reckless and out of character from what they'd do at another time. Not that it is what happened with Weiner but an interesting thought for us in our own lives.
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