by Diane: Update # 1 for Transitioning into Widowhood: Mixed Emotions

Monday, October 19, 2020

My most prominent emotion is Relief:

On day 12 of being a widow, I am mostly exercising my freedom in converting the house from a hospital to my home. I try to arrange it for convenience. Arranged to be welcoming to overnight company. The garage to be a studio and possibly the shop to be a studio for painting large canvases. I am mostly relieved that my efforts in making a repurposed living area is proceeding well. I can look at the well done guest room is neat now even if the center of the dining area, living room and garage have sorting piles that appear chaotic.  I am thankful that Fisherman Hubby  removed many of his larger tools from the shop and has his boat prepared for a fishing trip. I am thankful from the outset of going through his worldly things that the task would be doable.

But if I linger long looking at the remaining piles like electronic phones, computers and cords, or piles of  over the counter medications, numerous shovels and broken handles, I fight feelings of being overwhelmed.

For at least 10 years I often put his health needs ahead of my desires.  I  believed his unreasonable requests came from some disease process he could not address despite my physical therapist saying he should see his primary care doctor about his unusual sensitivity to cooking odors requiring me to cook vegetables outdoors.  I thought it could be an allergy or a fungal infection. I believe I did all I knew how I could do to alert his doctors whoignored my letters.  Just 11 months ago his doctor was reluctant to refer him to a neurologist desite repeated requests and even after coming to his appointments twice. Neurologists, I understand, are few in  our community in comparison to the need. So other specialists came up with wrong diagnoses resulting in needless surgeries which were hard on him. His weight plummeted hastening the ALS process.

I am relieved that he is out of the physical and emotional pain of loosing his muscle strength.

I am hopeful.

  Hopeful that the OHSU Oregon Brain Bank with his brain and spinal cord will help find a cure.  He wanted to be a part of the study to save others.  At the very least they could come up with an early diagnose eliminating wasteful, blundering therapies and surgeries.

I am thankful that I did have mini art respites and I took time fixing and eating my vegetable.It was good that an understanding of my genetic needs results in making decisions right for me. in what foods to eat.

I am thankful for one result of the pandemic. Family and friends had reduced work schedules and they were eager to help. Their help gives me warm fuzzy feelings.

Thankful for family and friends at Beit-Am Jewish community for their support in planning a coforting rememberance meeting Thursday, October 15.

I am sad and tearful when I want to share an interesting happening during the day with my Fisherman Hubby. I love how neat the house is becoming but feel hollow without sharing with him.

Thankfully I learned that the in home care agency's care givers were not a good option for me. Some things are easier to do myself than trying to explain what I want done. Then when I needed 24 hour a day care for my husband, the Hospice nurse said, "The end is near."

Tuesday, October 20

I am angry

Why couldn't I have stopped all those unnecessary surgeries. I should have stood up to the surgeon and corrected him on his appraisal of the cat scan that showed compremised lung capacity. 

I am gratified

Although Fisherman Hubby makes his actions speak his emotions, he did repeat near the end of his life that he had a good life.

 

I am joyful and very, very happy that I survived and can foresee travel and doing the things I want.