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| Procion dye painted on cotton |
Some names have been changed in my true story.
Feeling like an outsider, felling so different I might as well been an alien from outer space. I needed to go along with the flow, to carry on and try to be happy when my feelings from sexual assault did not count in the eyes of others.
I was 5 years old in 1948. Walking alone to Jefferson Elementary School, I was crossing the extremely busy intersection of Delaware Street and the El Camino Real in Berkeley, California.
I told my mother what happened. She called the principal who had me and my mother come to his office. After we talked, the blond 6 year old boy who offended me came. All the principal did was ask the boy to say sorry and not knock me down again. No punishment.
They would have spanked me if it had been me.
He never came close to me again after I pushed him into the bushes where he was stung by yellow jackets. My sense of power was short lived.
Today I see what happened in new light. I did not realize the extent that I was still without my power. Revenge doesn't work. One example, I always walked to school in a group. They didn't have guards at intersections back then.
I did not realize my power was diminished by a man, the Principal. Seventy years later while watching the current event of Ford's allegations against Kavanaugh, I learned new words and concepts - "sexual assault seared into my hypocanthus." Now I know why I remember the emotional details like they just happened.
How much of the incidents when I was 5 add to my self image as a pillow to men? How much weight did this experience have along with many day to day interactions? The male Principal of Jefferson Elementary School whose casualness about the whole incident placed upon me the belief that this assault was not a big deal. My outrage was an over reaction. he did not even calling his parents! Instead of getting justice, I learned that males were privileged and above punishment when it came to sexual acts.
In 1962 I was a naive 19 years old on a University of Hawaii study tour sharing a Waikiki condo with three other girls. I experienced what would be called sexual assaults today but I didn't know but that my experiences were normal: there was no intercourse that could have spread venereal disease or end in pregnancy. No problem? Wrong, I allowed two to touch me with their penis with visible sores in exchange for being freed from their hold on me. Since there were multiple assaults, it is hazy which of the men had sores. I don't want to think it was the one I liked until he assaulted me.
I did not report John to our guide who thought so highly of him as her student. He and his buddies barged into our condo when I was alone. When they couldn't find full bottles of alcohol, John turned on me. Afterwards I asked the hotel management to fix the broken lock on our door saying I felt unsafe. They did not honor my repeated requests.
At the University in1962 I studied watercolor and dance.
This 2006 watercolor, mixed media painting
of Waikiki, Royal Hawaiian Beach Bar and Grill overlooking
the water where Ray, the sailor, and I met. We rented a surf board
and he tried to teach me how to stand and ride a wave.
We had a great time walking hand in hand, surviving an attempted climb of crumbling lava on Diamond Head, hanging out with the preschool and kindergarten kids living in the condo next door. We played my favorite game - chess. He taught me to cook chicken like he learned from being a fast food cook before joining the Navy. All was fun until he became seriously talking marriage and expecting premarital sex.
My Japanese date said, “When in Rome do as the Romans.
When in Hawaii do as the Hawaiians.”
Three of us went out on a date with Japanese men probably in their late 20's. The one I paired with was verbally persuasive but I was able to persuade him against intercourse. He took me back to the condo but not before unwanted groping. Now-a-days that would be considered assault.
The one time I almost reported an incident was when several of the girls and I went to look at the Princess Cruise Ship just as it was about to disembark. Three crewmen offered to take us on separate tours. Of the encounter, I will only say it was the most physically violent leaving me bruised. I felt very guilty because I did not report him. At the time it seemed so easy to think I could just forget about it because there was no intercourse. Maybe I would have been successful in getting authorities to get the help the crewman needed so no other girls would be hurt. That is my guilt.
In the Ford and Kavanaugh hearing the prosecution gave Kavanaugh a definition of sexual assault.
Expectations of proper behavior are changing? The definition was not shared on TV so I tried looking up the legal definition. It varies from state to state.
I wonder what the boundaries will become.
I am amazed that many other women like me experience horror when sexually assaulted short of intercourse. Maybe I am not an alien after all.
I realize the assaults were a factor in my choosing to close windows like the opportunity to study in Italy my Junior year at Portland State College. I turned down an invitation to apply for a scholarship to do graduate study at the University of Iowa. In 1972 I turned down an interview arranged by my mother with assistant curator Donald Jenkins about exhibiting my woodblock prints at the Portland Art Museum.
Where I chose to close some windows, new ones continue to open.
In 1962 I was a naive 19 years old on a University of Hawaii study tour sharing a Waikiki condo with three other girls. I experienced what would be called sexual assaults today but I didn't know but that my experiences were normal: there was no intercourse that could have spread venereal disease or end in pregnancy. No problem? Wrong, I allowed two to touch me with their penis with visible sores in exchange for being freed from their hold on me. Since there were multiple assaults, it is hazy which of the men had sores. I don't want to think it was the one I liked until he assaulted me.
I did not report John to our guide who thought so highly of him as her student. He and his buddies barged into our condo when I was alone. When they couldn't find full bottles of alcohol, John turned on me. Afterwards I asked the hotel management to fix the broken lock on our door saying I felt unsafe. They did not honor my repeated requests.
At the University in1962 I studied watercolor and dance.
This 2006 watercolor, mixed media painting
of Waikiki, Royal Hawaiian Beach Bar and Grill overlooking
the water where Ray, the sailor, and I met. We rented a surf board
and he tried to teach me how to stand and ride a wave.
We had a great time walking hand in hand, surviving an attempted climb of crumbling lava on Diamond Head, hanging out with the preschool and kindergarten kids living in the condo next door. We played my favorite game - chess. He taught me to cook chicken like he learned from being a fast food cook before joining the Navy. All was fun until he became seriously talking marriage and expecting premarital sex.
My Japanese date said, “When in Rome do as the Romans.
When in Hawaii do as the Hawaiians.”
Three of us went out on a date with Japanese men probably in their late 20's. The one I paired with was verbally persuasive but I was able to persuade him against intercourse. He took me back to the condo but not before unwanted groping. Now-a-days that would be considered assault.
The one time I almost reported an incident was when several of the girls and I went to look at the Princess Cruise Ship just as it was about to disembark. Three crewmen offered to take us on separate tours. Of the encounter, I will only say it was the most physically violent leaving me bruised. I felt very guilty because I did not report him. At the time it seemed so easy to think I could just forget about it because there was no intercourse. Maybe I would have been successful in getting authorities to get the help the crewman needed so no other girls would be hurt. That is my guilt.
In the Ford and Kavanaugh hearing the prosecution gave Kavanaugh a definition of sexual assault.
Expectations of proper behavior are changing? The definition was not shared on TV so I tried looking up the legal definition. It varies from state to state.
I wonder what the boundaries will become.
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| The 19072 woodblock print that mother showed Assistant Curator Donald Jenkins |
I realize the assaults were a factor in my choosing to close windows like the opportunity to study in Italy my Junior year at Portland State College. I turned down an invitation to apply for a scholarship to do graduate study at the University of Iowa. In 1972 I turned down an interview arranged by my mother with assistant curator Donald Jenkins about exhibiting my woodblock prints at the Portland Art Museum.
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| 2015 drawing of a window of my husband's and my desire of continuing to work for a marriage in which we both support each other's passion |
10 comments:
This has definitely led to more women sharing their stories. It can't be easy. It's a shame that things like you describe happen. I think many have carried it over into how they've seen the latest accusations. We know it happens. Sad how frequently.
I have compared my own experiences with Kavnaugh and Ford resulting in empathy for both. Naturally I looked for Ford remembering accurately. From my own experience of several incidents during a short time period some details are harder to remember. Did two or one man have sores. For sure the sailor did. He was on deck without protection a few short miles from the Christmas Island Atomic Bomb Test. Also it could have been Ray. So my question would be did Ford frequently go to gatherings where there was drinking like the one in question?
In my teens my understanding was anything short of intercourse was normal on dates. Interestingly Kavanaugh stated he never had any intercourse during his teens. I think we shared the same understanding.
Before the hearing I was unsure that adolescent mistakes even serious ones should be a factor in Kavanaugh's confirmation unless the attitudes he had then are hidden but are unchanged. I was against his polarized as opposed to open minded views.
Here I would like to pose the question where will are cultural approval of appropriate sexual contact be? And what will these norms do to our self-images and life choices and opportunities?
For me, it was no hands on for any guy, no french kissing, and I only kissed someone i knew I really liked. My dad had taught me if you let it get started, the guy might not be able to stop. I was though one of those late developers, and it wasn't hard to not get into petting. I had no desire to go further than the kisses. I had one guy tell me he feared I'd be frigid lol. That has to be a line that had worked but not with me. The sad part is one of my daughter's friends was with a friend and he turned brutal and raped her such that she had to go to the hospital BUT she brought no charges as it was 'friend' rape. She had no way to know ahead of time and a lot of rape is like that when someone dates a predator and doesn't know in time. This week was a film on Ted Bundy and what he did. We can't explain violent people.
Sounds like your planned boundries worked. You are right we always had personal boundaries that could have been stricter than the accepted ones.
The Princess Cruise Ship crewman was a preditor. The others less so. And none like Ted Bundy who hated certain types of Nordic types and hated barefoot women with long hair.
Are we looking at a future where men can not touch women not even a hand shake to close a business deal?
More, I think, it should be wait for the okay ;). I told our son-- if you are way into it and she says stop-- anytime she says stop-- stop. You might choose not to date her again if you feel she was a tease; but as soon as she says no, that's the end. That's what I have against the stupid romances some read and write where the hero goes on and it's called seduction. It's not. It's wrong even if she later is turned on by it.
For women-- No should mean no-- not try to convince me.
None of that solves the problem of predatory people who have no limits, or sociopaths, where they don't care what anybody else wants.
Thank you for your insightful comments, Rain.
Next week i will dig into my archives and publish more of my art work journaling my life.
Thank you Diane, beautifully written. Also for Rain Trueax comments. I wish my dad or mother could have told me some of that helpful advice.
I didn't date till I was almost 20 because I didn't know what to do or say in those "make out" situations my friends told me about, to stop it. I was naive enough to think that a date was to see if two people might actually like each other enough to go on another date, not to have sex right then!
Grace,
Thank you for reading my blog and commenting. Makes my day.
I’m a little late commenting here. Sharing such personal memories as you have is not easy, as I know from my own experience, but. can serve to release unwanted secrets. The attitudes toward and manner in which sexual abuse and what constitutes an assault have changed with the generations. I think in more recent generations there has been more understanding of how a female, even a small child, can be impacted by such violation. The adults confronted with addressing the matter probably handled it in the best way they knew at the time given the prevailing cultural attitudes, or at least that is what I have been comfortable concluding in my own situation. I was able to rediscuss this experience with my mother when she was in her eighties. She was startled when I brought the matter up, saying, “I didn’t think you would remember.” She thought she had resolved the matter at the time, as did his mother, so being a child of around 5 years I would forget it and the older teen offender had made a one-time judgement error. Mother validated my memories, but short of having a signed notarized statement from her and/or his mother, would anyone today believe my account from those many years ago since both women are dead? During the preceding years I even had an unusual to me experience in my twenties of recalled memory, or whatever they call it, that many, even professionals, deny occurs.
Since that discussion with my mother I’ve been able to reflect on how my attitudes and behaviors were affected through the rest of my years. My offender and his family had been friends of our family so his name has always been with me. Accounts from others of their violations through the years always serve to remind me of my own. A few years ago I felt prompted to search his name. I learned he had risen through the ranks to a high level position in a highly respected lifesaving caregiving position, following in his father’s profession. I also discovered he had been arrested, successfully sued by the father of two little sisters, and sent for treatment of some sort, plus had incurred adverse professional consequences. This had occurred years earlier from when I found the news clipping. I concluded he would have been in his nineties by the time I read about him from old newspaper stories so would likely no longer be alive, or at least would be harmless wherever he was, so I chose to not contact the authorities in the community where all this occurred. I think he was probably thought to be a one-time offender, had been popular and respected there, so authorities had legally treated him lightly. My thoughts have been unsettled, too, wondering if, or how many others their might have been in those decades between me and those two sisters? I did ultimately find the girls fathers location intending to just thank him and confirm to him the significance of his actions, but instead found his obituary. I located one of the sisters at a Univ. in your state that I contacted in a very discreet manner without disclosing specifics but indicating I would like to talk with her since her father was deceased, if she wanted to contact me. I’ve never heard from her, but that’s okay.
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