Oregon writer, Rain Trueax, and Oregon painter, Diane Widler Wenzel co-author Rainy Day Thought. Diane generally posts on Wednesdays and Rain on Saturdays. There may be extra days or changes as situations warrant. Comments are always welcome and appreciated as it turns an article into a discussion.

Wednesday, March 01, 2017


Writing about connections isn't complete until considering-- disconnections. Throughout a long lifetime, I've observed how disconnections impact our lives and expectations. They can come through death or a chosen break-- ours or someone else's.

I had my first friend disconnect from me in high school. I had no idea why, but she just quit talking to me. This was a friend where we had sleepovers and went places together. Suddenly she turned the other way when I walked up. I didn't go to her and ask why. I never even asked friends connected to us both. I accepted the outcome and thought maybe I am better off not knowing what I did-- since I had no idea. I won't say it didn't hurt my feelings. I didn't have all that many friends to not find the loss a big deal. Maybe if I'd been more secure, I'd have gone to her. I didn't and wasn't.

Today, I think about her once in awhile, as I do all I have ever called friend; but even if I came across her, unlikely as we have all moved, I wouldn't ask why. Maybe the disconnection was less significant to her life than mine. Maybe she'd not even remember it happened

When someone disconnects from us by avoidance or an outright break, is it better to know why or not?  I think better if we can fix it as in a misunderstanding. Sometimes though we can't fix it. Then it's best to be able accept that what that person did was what they needed to do for them. What I needed to do was accept it and move on with my life-- nothing wrong with a little healthy reflecting in the process

When you get to my age, a lot of connections have come and some gone, as I grew out of them, they had mutually served their purpose, or that they lost interest in me as a friend. We aren't all meant to stay connected. You know that old saw-- some friends are for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. 

Learning to let go, especially when the loss is a painful one, is one step toward maturity. Some do this easier than others. For me, especially when the rejection has been by someone I love, I like this quote as a way of releasing, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was."  

Some connections return after years. I think of the mother and daughter, Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher, where I guess there was ten years when they didn't talk, at Carrie's instigation. They did then reconnect and stronger than ever. That's not always how it works out.

Religion and politics can be major reasons friendships end. We left a church over realizing we disagreed with its major tenets. My surprise came when some I had called friends no longer were. They weren't angry with me but it simply no longer served their needs to connect to me. More recently, I've had online friendships end over political differences. In a heated political time like this one, not agreeing can be the end of wanting to talk.  

Organizations are another place people can end up disconnected. I feel like a political orphan today as the party to which I belonged, from the time I could vote, has moved away from me ideologically (or I changed). I no longer have a political identity, as I definitely could not join my country's other political option. I have considered changing my registration to independent, which means disconnected voter, but it would have a cost-- my state doesn't permit disconnected voters to vote in a primary.

My last thought on disconnection is when you are the one who needs to make that choice, hopefully after serious thought and not an emotional tornado, don't feel guilty. It can be the only choice for emotional and even physical health. It would be nice to tell the person why but that isn't always possible.

When you are the one left behind by others moving on, it can lead to feelings of loneliness or even rage at a system or at the person who has rejected you. That's when the following thought is the positive one-- The best revenge is a good life (using the word revenge loosely). Basically, it means learning from it and making your life good without what you lost.

This image and the one above are from my photos and changed through a filter at Dreamscope.


Tabor said...

I have lost a very few connections due to the elections. But they were far crazy in their political emotions. They could not discuss facts, just called names. I would always wonder why a close friend had disconnected. I lived in a very small town and the gossip would have gotten back to me sooner or later without me even pursuing it.

Rain Trueax said...

Well, my mother had a theory about it but the truth is I didn't know and didn't try to fix the breach. I think back now and think why didn't I at least ask. She might though not have told me anyway. Through life when I've had some breaks, it has sometimes been my choice, sometimes circumstances, and sometimes the other person's. I do think wishing someone well is the important part to going on and not letting it be destructive. It's easier with some breaks than others...

Annie said...

I like your paintings! Interesting topic, disconnecting. I've been on both sides of that, right now I am in the process of disconnecting from someone. I once had someone tell me why she had disconnected from me, it had happened quite some time before and I was surprised by her explanation. I had no idea. But it wasn't really anything I could have changed so knowing wouldn't have made a difference. When she told me I realized it wasn't about me it was about her. I am also realizing that disconnecting with someone else isn't about them it's about me.

Brig said...

Interesting, I have been on both sides of disconnecting. A couple of friends disconnects have lasted for years, and then reconnected. We just were in different places in our lives.
I believe in the axiom, a life well lived is the best revenge...

joared said...

Expect we've all experienced disconnects and may even unwittingly had others perceive us as having disconnected from them. Recent years I think of someone who surprisingly to me and several others no longer initiated contact with any of us. She would respond and talk at great length but individually and independently from each other we finally concluded she wanted to disconnect. We knew she had some sudden unexpected health issues she spoke of freely with me, but was strongly resistant to meeting with any of us individually or together. I ceased contacting her eventually as had to conclude she would contact if she wanted. Years earlier another friend from a much longer time became cold, distant and I finally had to recognize that disconnect without knowing what it was about. Another friend reminded me that couple had really changed from when we were all so close, and I was, apparently, one of the last from whom they disconnected for reasons no one knew.

In both instances I tend to think something was going on in their lives and the disconnect was more about them than me, but maybe not -- I'll likely never know. When I was young I would have been quicker to assume it was somehow about me, but life has taught me it can actually be about the other person.

I am not aware of ever having any disconnects due to differences in religion or politics, at least I haven't disconnected for those reasons. I take it back, I do recall now about nine years ago when someone made a severely racist comment and I civilly and nicely made it known I found that offensive, the person who had looked up to me from childhood abruptly ended our phone conversation and I've never heard from them since. In this case I don't really mind, but am sad for them.

joared said...

Oh, meantbto add I like your painting and use of filters.