Dreamscope app using one of our photos of the desert
Let's talk depression. It's one of those things I hesitate to bring up here because it's nice to be positive-- depression is a negative. I also feel like people tend to think you are looking for them to fix it when you talk about it. I don't expect anyone but myself to fix it and really only want to address it because it's a reality and has, for the last few weeks, been one element in my life.
When a person looks for the why of depression, sometimes there is no reason. Other times, there are reasons; but at a different time, they'd not lead to depression, which feeds on itself. Depression does not need a reason for why it's come.
As an example of how that works is my writing. I have written all my life but when I didn't try to put out the books, there was no feeling of rejection. Once I did put them out, then something new had the potential to come into the equation. Rejection can lead to feelings of depression.
So early in May, my books were not selling at all. Days went by and nada, zilch. I've never had a LOT of sales but to have none-- well, it definitely felt like rejection. I understood the potential reasons for that, which included doing no advertising to get them seen. Using logic, I also believe in the zeitgeist of a time. If my books didn't fit what readers wanted (more sex/no sex; more violence/no violence; etc. etc.), advertising would only mean I'd be out money as well as feeling rejected lol. Come on, it is funny. It also isn't. I think it impacts anyone who takes creative work beyond being a hobby and tries to turn it into a business where it pays for itself or even supports a life.
So what to do about lack of any sales being a possible reason for my feeling dark. Ranch Boss, who is my editor and partner in this writing endeavor, began to research key words for ads. For months, we had known ads were important but neither of us knew how to do them. He spent more hours learning then I was spending writing. Keywords are a critical component in having a search find a book. It took him a couple of tries to get one ad right (limited amount of money going into it) but finally he began to see results. No, the sales are not blockbuster status but no longer are there zero.
Is the depression gone? Nope. It wasn't really about the writing. I do know of other possible causes for it like the crossroads I mentioned last week, but it really won't solve the depression either. Some say go to pills but I've gone that route years back (in my 40s) and it did help, but it had side effects I didn't like.
Recently I read that only one state in the country (no, I didn't read which one that was) doesn't have higher rates of depression right now. I think the zeitgeist of our times is a factor for a lot of us-- on both sides of the partisan divide. The sometimes physical hate has put out an energy that you can almost feel if you are sensitive. Read the papers and there are more reasons to feel depressed. The answer though isn't-- head in the sand. It might be less time reading papers...
I know from the past, that life is better when I have a dream I am working toward. Dreams are wonderful things. Depression though tends to stomp them out. I think that's where I am now. I don't know what I want, and I am at the point in life where some dreams are no longer feasible. Practicality is important even with dreams.
It's not a dream for me to write books. I love to write about people in relationships, facing challenges, where they have dreams they must fight to attain. I have control over that-- what I can't control is whether anybody else will want to read them. It's important, I think, to do what I can and then release what I can't control.
My immediate answer is to remember dark times don't last. I try to walk regularly, not as far as I did a few years back, but keep moving. Small projects help. Lots of deep breaths. Watch some comedy movies-- laughter is always good. Concentrate on the good things and don't allow the negative ones to crowd out all that is working right. Remembering how many writers do suffer from depression as part of the gig helps... No, it doesn't. *s*
What has helped the most down here is bird watching... particularly the baby quail as I have gotten to see them grow. It's a kind of meditation where an hour can go by, and I don't even feel it. This little video is a compilation of some of what we've enjoyed with different ages of babies. I think I'll write a blog about quail and what I've learned. They are interesting.
12 comments:
As a fellow sufferer, thank you for your post. There are so many reasons to be depressed these days, but then again, one can always see horror in the world. Depression really is a beast of its own making. I think you have it right in the second to last paragraph. All good remedies. I hope it lifts.
I recently went off my medication, having taken it for 30 years! Previous attempts were not pretty, but this time I seem to be okay (fingers crossed). Just want to see what I can do med free.
Your post is a voice that will hopefully add to the growing number of voices that are speaking out about this wide spread disease. It's a real thing, and nothing to be ashamed of. You are helping to stop the stigma. Thank you.
An interesting topic.
We all seem to deal with depression at times. For me I have learned that I need some decompression time, exercise (walking, trekking, yoga), and to have positive people around me.
There is so much negativity out there that I have to consciously try to be positive and look for things that are interesting, no matter how small.
Of those I know on meds, some have done well with it, and some have not. No two people are the same, as you know.
Looking forward to your quail post.
My son has fought depression most of his life and it has almost won a few times and this makes me depressed. I do think heavy exercise can cleanse the mind a bit. I watch the news because we are getting ready for a vote and I also contribute to various causes. But it will not be good news until our current leadership works at uniting factions and races and parties. Right now it is all about winning a tribal war.
I used to be a lot more depressed than I am now, I think the main thing that changed was that my life got easier, my depression was largely circumstantial. Now I occasionally experience depression for a day or so at a time and just feel like it's like the weather, it will change soon. A couple of years ago I was depressed for several months and that was scary, I began to think that maybe it wasn't like the weather, maybe this time it wouldn't go away. The turning point for me was reading a book called "Confessions of an Atheist Buddhist", it kind of opened up an alternative way of seeing things (for me, can't say it would have the same effect for anyone else).
A long time ago I did try antidepressants but found the side effects (intense insomnia) outweighed any benefit so I would quit after a couple of weeks of sleeplessness. Friends would say, oh you didn't give it long enough to kick in, you have to take them for at least 6 weeks before they kick in. I can't even imagine 6 weeks of no sleep. Then I found out how many of my friends were talking them, and finally heard from friends who were trying to quit and couldn't! I guess there are people who can take them and get benefit from them, but not me.
I hope your depression fades, I hope you have good luck dealing with it through your activities and exercise. Perhaps you will have an experience or read something or talk to someone that will give you an alternative insight into your life and that might help. Here's hoping for serendipity!
Serendipity is a great word and thanks for the book title, Annie.
I think when we talk about things like depression, anxiety and panic attacks, it helps to know we are not alone.
Rain, that's a good post on depression. There are so many causes and for some, only time will help. I suspect all writers have battled depression. It goes with the creative personality in my opinion.
Thanks for all the comments. I agree that most probably battle depression at times. For some it becomes so dark that they see only one way out. I think it helps to know others share the battle.
With what is known about depression and how the body chemistry gets upset, I can imagine correcting that is no simple matter. I know some people experience a more difficult time getting their system back in sync than others. I gather achieving that resolution is unique to each person so that experimenting to find what works for each individual is a challenge — can be a combination of meds, identifying what in everyday life may contribute to an onset so can address.
For example, as concerned, and I seriously am, about our nation and world events, reading, encountering all views does not cause me to become physically or mentally depressed. I certainly have feelings about all that is happening, but they don’t reach a degree to impact my being, as some experience. (I don’t know why I am as I am and others differ.) Part of it for me is believing that I’m doing all I can to positively affect the situation, then recognizing/accepting I cannot control the rest. This joins everything else in my life, whatever way that goes. The underlying given is, I may or may not be required to adapt and adjust to what happens. I can only give the future my best guess, but wont be perfect, might be wrong. Whatever is happening will eventually change — get better or get worse, or if it’s unchanged, that won’t be forever.
Sounds to me like you have a lot going on and wonder if on some level, maybe unconscious, your system is feeling over-whelmed? But then consider, if you haven’t already, that I may not know what I’m talking about. Take good care of yourself!
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