Oregon writer, Rain Trueax, and Oregon painter, Diane Widler Wenzel co-author Rainy Day Thought. Diane generally posts on Wednesdays and Rain on Saturdays. There may be extra days or changes as situations warrant. Comments are always welcome and appreciated as it turns an article into a discussion.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

on the in or the out?

 photo from August just because it's pretty

Do you have dreams that have you scratching your head and wondering what that was about? This one was from a week ago.
Living in a kind of apartment building (one I don't recognize), I want so much to be accepted by a groups. I don't really know why I am not, but my life, even when in the midst of others, feels lonely and closed off. I reach to them, but they never reach for me.  I am chosen for nothing. I recognize it's like my high school years all over again.

Wanting to be accepted, I show one of the group's popular leader a piece I had written praising their newest project. I had written it to overcome my jealousy. I am looking for attaboys that I am not admitting. I invite her to my apartment to read it before I publish it.

She is nice, reads it, and then looks up with an uneasy expression before she looks around my apartment. She says, 'I sympathize with you-- but you do understand why you are not part of our group?' When I don't answer, she says, 'Look at this apartment with dirt on the floor and the windows haven't been washed ever.'

I try to make an excuse. 'I've washed them. They're not that bad.'

She then looks at me and says, 'How could you fit with us?' She shakes her head. 'You're such a plain little person.'

'Well, I'm not little.' I was fully aware that was because I was fat-- as I try to not cry. I manage a smile that I don't feel. 'I need to take a shower.' 

The woman nods and leaves, heading back to her fans and friends, while I head toward the shower and a sob fest, but instead wake up. 
When I woke at 2am, the dream was strong in my mind, and I wondered what it meant? Not all of my dreams have meaning, but some are trying to tell me something about my own life. A few can be used in a book.

In this one, my muse had chosen a woman I know only from the Internet. I think she represented all the ones who are on the inside, the ones with whom everybody wants to be friends, the ones chosen to lead, those who decide who fits and who does not. Women like that aren't necessarily the mean girls like the movie. They are mostly likable, funny, and admired--including by me. They just don't see me as fitting and not sure I can clean up whatever blocks me. 

When I left high school, I thought I had put behind me the insecurity of cliques. I've found them a few times since, like in our rural church. Mostly in churches, the inside clique is the one supportive of the leadership. Maybe that's true for the Internet too-- except, there it's harder to figure out who the leadership is

In my experience with the Internet, through chat rooms to Facebook, I've seen that some are in on the joke, and they have everyone laughing while I am still trying to figure out what the joke was. 

Facebook allows and encourages many groups. To  some, anyone can belong. Others are very exclusive. Are cliques just friends with common goals? They can serve a purpose beyond that and work to gain power, promote causes, or sell something. Cliques can be a problem mostly when they have something someone outside needs. My dream reminded me of aspects of cliques that probably still bother me subconsciously-- high school swings a wide loop. If I was inside one, would I feel guilty or uncomfortable, given the price I might have to pay?

I have believed that dreams can be useful in letting us evaluate what we are doing, our fears, our ambitions. I thought more about this one than many as I tried to see if there was some part of my life that I'm not cleaning up. If so, is it getting in my way to furthering deeper goals


Tabor said...

Could this be symbolism for your desire to be part of the popular and in-demand authors group? I remember cliques, but I went to such a small high school that I was always in the popular group. In college I realized what true cliques were, but by then I did not care enough to care! I now avoid groups and like being on the outside watching all the machinations on the inside.

Rain Trueax said...

you could be right, Tabor. It probably involves how that group help each other get their books seen.

In my high school, I was never popular but I had enough friends to be okay with it. Nobody wants to sit alone at lunch... I don't think. I understood that my family didn't have the money for me to have quality clothing and I lived in the country which kept me from being involved after school until I was old enough to drive at 16.

today I am definitely not a joiner- which means I am at conflict with myself lol. I do wonder though if the dream gave me a real reason I am not inside as in not being tidy enough or looking wrong lol. I mean that's funny. Still, my dreams do sometimes tell me what I am not willing to face in waking hours.