It's a job I don't mind because it has a satisfaction as I see more and more ground open up. Now days I try to avoid rolling off the acorns as the sheep regard them as a delicacy and graze the region several times a day for new falls.
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This time of releasing, for the agrarian people of the past (and small ranchers like us), was also the time where it was determined which animals could be carried through the winter and which must be slaughtered to enable the people and remaining animals to survive the dark season.
At our farm, we are doing this right now which I have mentioned began this summer but much more needs to go. For years we had the luxury of raising these animals without a lot of concern for them paying their way. Those days are done. It can no longer cost us more to feed them than we take in. For us, this means just what it did to more ancient peoples. Some must be sold or slaughtered. As always, this is a tough thing for me.
The only thing that makes me feel good is that we found a good buyer for a heifer and one young cow; where I think they will have good lives. The rest may not be so fortunate. They are so trusting of us. Actually they are not. They always look at us a little suspiciously. To them, we are both predator and shepherd. It must be confusing if they think that deeply which I hope they do not.
Economically we also are facing a time to have to figure out finances for our old age. Due to the economic turn-down, we went onto Social Security for income. My first check comes in late November. This happened because of some major economic disappointments (but who hadn't experienced that this year.) We had intended to put off taking Social Security until 70 but at least we made it to full benefits.
As any of you know who already may be living on Social Security or a reduced budget, it is requiring a lot of readjusting to figure out what can and cannot be afforded. It has been quite a few years since I had to worry about budgets, but luckily I have known such times before and don't have a lot of expensive of tastes to readjust now (well a few).
We will soon be making a trip to Tucson to get our house down there ready to hopefully become a vacation rental which is another releasing for me. I love the house, the desert around it, and have enjoyed having it be set up just for us, but I am reworking my thinking into ways to make it welcoming to renters, asking myself what would make someone else enjoy a week in a place I love. To do this, some things have to go, others be changed. We are learning the ropes of operating that type of rental. Hopefully that will work out as selling it right now would not be wise.
So it really has been a time of letting go for me. The darkening skies are hard as I let go of days where I can have the doors and windows open, where the night breezes are sweet with fragrance and the flowers full of color, vegetables waiting to be picked for dinner, where walks don't mean bundling up in several layers of clothing and a hat.
To not get seriously depressed, I remind myself of the good things in my life and there are many bright spots. Still I accept that sometimes it is okay to accept some darkness along with the light. To deny it would be to deny the seasons, to deny part of who I am which is not a Pollyanna all the time... Okay not much of the time... Never? I won't go there or that might be depressing too.
21 comments:
Hang in there hon !! :-)
So beautifully written, rain. Autumn is truly a time of releasing. Some of that will be obvious and material, but the rest is a letting go of old dreams and the intangible things that shaped them. New dreams arrive in spring on wings of green.
Lovely. lovely post and very well said! I live (exist?) on my Social Security and it's no picnic! I am glad you and Paul have planned so well.
Stay strong with all the things that are troubling you. Here is a crazy idea. Slaughter or sell all the animals, sell the farm and move to Tuscon to enjoy your golden years. Budget crisis solved.
I agree with Ingineer, but I know you love the ranch, too. Making choices is one of the hard parts of retiring.
I do hope we can get together when you are in Tucson. If you are too busy I will understand, but since this may be the last time for a while I would love to see you.
I am not sure when we will be going for sure, Darlene, but we will definitely try to get together with you while down there. We do have a lot to do but some fun is on order also.
As for living there year round, I did that at one time, when Farm Boss was in graduate school and definitely do not want to live there year round again. Mostly now though it would be because of having our grandkids and kids living up here. I really love Arizona as a wonderful place to be when it's possible, such much diverse countryside, so many things to do. I miss it when I am not there. I have always said I have this knack of loving things that are too many miles apart.
Hey Darlene we agreed with each other 2 days in a row. Apparently the apocalypse is upon us. :-)
Rain how about this idea. Live in Tuscon most of the year and have a condo or small place in Oregon to spend time with family. Flights from Tuscon to Eugene or Medford or Coos Bay via SFO are fast and pretty cheap if you need an Oregon fix.
I love your last paragraph Rain....LOL! It has to be very hard letting go of these animals you have raised and are 'family' in a way...Plus re-adjusting ones sights for the future. It would pain me terribly to have to rent a home that I loved so---My mother actually did that with our family home one summer because she felt she had to. I think I was more upset about it then she was or any of the rest of my siblings.
I know you will come through these dark times Rain, because you have such inner strength, my dear.
I suspect you have a good handle on your finances and make well thought out adjustments.
I'm guessing the worst part you may be facing is having to re-think priorities with regard to assets and the like as you discussed.
Much in tune with your reference to your leaves, I have made the decision to pay to have my leaves picked up/mulched this year by others and even though it lots of work for several weeks, I will truly miss it but age brings changes and many of them we just have to come to terms with in one way or the other.
Dream on Ingineer, I knew Rain in Tucson in that long ago time. Of course being a mother in waiting would have caused Rain to want to be closer to her old home in Oregon, and having a swamp cooler during the hot months was less than satisfactory.Rain would not be happy year round in Tucson even now. Flying is not something I have known Rain to do very often.
I don't see myself living in Tucson year round either but it's not the flying. I find flying boring other than the takeoff and landings which are exciting, exhilerating to me. I did more of that when our daughter lived in Georgia and when we first bought the Tucson house before we found out that packrats ate holes in all the flexible part of an engine if you left a vehicle down there. Mostly though for me now I love the West, the rivers, the mountains and they are all very available from driving :) I am not much for scenery collecting but more for experiencing something for as long as possible and that something is in the American west pretty much. I do love Arizona but it's quite a ways to get there and Oregon provides a lot of what I most seek.
Releasing and letting go can bring many feelings, sometimes conflicting. Sounds like you have had some experience in all the challenging areas that confront you now, so that can be to your advantage.
Your attitude that I've perceived in reading what you have been writing here since I first visited suggests you are well-equipped to cope with what life offers.
I've lived in the Southwest, including Tucson for a few months in the long ago past, and for several years in Arizona's capitol. We, too, had a swamp cooler until the final year before we moved -- most unpleasant for certain months of the year. Probably much worse now we're told by present residents due to the significantly increased population, so many new green housing areas and golf courses using water creating higher humidity levels and smog.
Many years ago we almost ended up in Oregon. We traveled through certain very green, forested, highly attractive areas appealing to us and would likely have selected that area as a first choice over the Southwest had the opportunity arisen.
I hope you are able to find contentment with the adjustment to turning your Tucson home into a rental unit.
I've often found in my life what at the time seems an unwanted but necessary choice has in retrospect become an even better choice than the circumstances would have been had I not made that change. I can only wish time may prove that to be true for you, too.
I wasn't trying to talk you into anything. Just throwing out ideas based on my own experiences and my desires for my retirement when it comes. I am looking forward to fewer worries and more travelling when the time comes.
I understood what you were saying, ingineer and it makes sense although I have thought more about leaving the farm and moving into town near where I live or maybe John Day. We will only be able to stay at the farm until we reach the age we cannot manage the work. The drive gets real old when it's so far to anything.
the economics for many who didn't have any inheritances nor any guaranteed pension though limits a lot of choices.
I picked the job that I have because of the retirement and benefit security. Planning for the future was more important than how much money I could make. I did not want to end up like my father with next to nothing.
Well you might get an unpleasant surprise regarding how much real security that all has. The pensions systems in all states are in big trouble to the point that the promises that were made will negate hiring future firemen, teachers, policemen, etc etc. How long before that all gets rethought?
The company for which Farm Boss worked promised a pension system when he was hired, and then they simply negated it by transforming it into a 401k. We know how well that is working today.
I don't know if the future will offer anybody a lot of retirement security when the generation paying the bill receives the true cost. A lot was promised in some states that was totally unrealistic... and some of the jobs that are in government wouldn't even exist in the private sector, especially in today's world. As the quote goes in that old movie-- we're in for a bumpy ride. Some might expect that they can sue and get their benefits; but if the money isn't there, how effective will that be?
You are right. I am worried as the politicians see a big pot of money in the retirement system and they are trying to figure out how they can get control of it and spend it. And since they make the laws that private companies have to follow, they themselves can do things that would otherwise be illegal. They are trying to convert it to a 401k for new employees and have talked about converting it for existing employees. If that happens there would have been no reason to ever work for the state. I could have made several thousand a year more at another company and got the 401k plan.
Having just read about what oregon is facing and not knowing about California, Oregon has PERS which they invested in the stock market, took the losses everybody with 401Ks took but has a mandated system for what they must pay for a pension. The issue then is if they don't deal with that, they will have no young people getting jobs in the state because all of it will be going to pay what PERS doesn't actually have in its account. When the stock market went down, it impacted a lot of government pensions because the way they promised those fat retirements (some at about what the people made while working) was depending on a stock market that would keep making gold for them. When that fell flat, it left a big problem. Now maybe California has all the money in that account to cover their pensions and it's in a different spot. As for not working for the state without a fat pension plan, a lot of people today want jobs period and you might be surprised how many people would be glad just to have a weekly paycheck and benefits like health care and vacations. If the private sector can pay better and you can get those jobs, you might be wise to shift to it since you are young enough to do that. You will find 401Ks are not guarantees of anything.
For a long time our system promised elders a happier time when they retired than any generation knew before. The question is how will it be paid for? Very few of them actually put enough money into the system to actually cover it but even if they had, so did a lot of others with IRAs etc. and we see how well that's going.
Calif. PERS was hit hard, too. Even before that the politicians have periodically tried to find a way to get their hands on PERS funds. They've always been prevented from doing so, but these times we are in and are going to be in may result in the unthinkable.
Is it any wonder that in my later years I have continued to keep my skills current, along with my professional license and national certification, work part time and am prepared to go full time if need me -- assuming there's a need and a paycheck -- or, if no monies for anybody, guess I'd get busy and aggressively look into the barter system.
Have been thinking of checking into what's going on in that arena down here now. Musician friends in High Desert area here tell me they and others do lots of barter up there even though they also have "real jobs," too, as many musicians do in their search for some sense of financial and health care security.
Again, much food for thought as you and Farm Boss consider all your options for the future. At 72 I work part-time because I really enjoy working at what I currently do, but having a cushion just in case is always at the base of most everything I do. I was raised by parents who barely survived the depression and I'm programmed into poverty consciousness even though I know that's all bullshit. Was any of that instilled into you?
Life is such a paradox, so dual, peaks and valleys. And like you, I prefer the spring and summer when I am filled with hope. Winters are mild in So Cal, thank God, but I am not a winter child.
Ages ago you posted something that was about using the dark months for hibernation from a spiritual point of view. Do you remember that? I'd love a reprint of that, or am I imagining you shared that?
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