While beauty is in the eye of the beholder, there are certain universal characteristics that te
nd to be seen as beautiful. Sometimes it relates to what is fertile; sometimes it's the opposite. Every culture defines what is beautiful, and that won't always be the same from one age to another. Mona Lisa, an example of perfect beauty to one generation, today would not be.Most would say that to be thought beautiful by their societal group would be a blessing. Some would go so far as to alter DNA to achieve beauty for their children. Or pay for the children to have plastic surgery as soon as possible because they weren't born with those perfect features that their particular culture decreed.
This last month, with even our mainstream media flooded with stories of one beauty's death and another's meltdown, it is probably a bit easier to see that beauty doesn't come without cost.
With the media beating the drum, I originally had no intention of writing about either of these beauties' meltdowns. (Incidentally, I am using no names in this piece with deliberation. Once before I wrote about one of them and was bombarded by search results that I didn't remotely want drawn to this blog. But everybody who turns on a radio, reads a paper or listens to television knows who I mean.) Both young women were richly praised for their beauty. Some news programs have gone so far as to call one America's Rose. If that is so, we are in worse trouble than I thought. Both young women have been cash cows for others. Society relished their successes and their breakdowns. Every picture of them too fat or not looking well was chortled over.
Last week I read an article by a rabbi about how one of them was on a never-ending birthday party. In some ways they both were-- until midnight came. One died. The other might yet not make it or maybe she will; but she will have to find strength from within, that does not relate to her beauty, if she hopes to become a healthy, whole woman. At the moment, that looks iffy.
It's not as though beauty is automatically bad, but it has some drawbacks because it can seem to be an end in itself. If you have a beautiful child or grandchild, watch what you praise about them.
My parents had a fear that I'd be conceited; so they took the tack that they should not tell me I was pretty. When I was a little girl, they took photos; but from the time I hit my teens, there were almost none. I don't think they did this out of a lack of love, but rather both of them had seen where beauty proved to be crippling.
My children are both very good looking people and were from childhood. I didn't try to keep them from knowing that, but told them while good looks can open doors, it doesn't keep them open. To keep doors open requires more depth of personality than some beautiful people ever develop. I praised my children for their hard work, their loving qualities, their loyalty, their wisdom, any athletic achievements, but their beauty was not something for which to praise them. Beauty at that age is more genetic luck than something anyone has earned.
Despite how it seems to the world, I know very few truly beautiful women (might be true for men also but I know more about women) who see themselves as beautiful. They might be happy you see them that way; but inside, they see every single flaw. Even with the screen goddesses of old, there were always flaws.
When credit for being beautiful comes too early and if it's where the person feels their power lies, trouble is ahead. Beauty doesn't last-- not the kind the world praises. The end result comes all too soon. It can be as early as thirty for how the world starts commenting on how a certain person has lost that youthful glow. What amazes me about that (besides that someone that young could be already doing botox) is why is youthful glow a thing to value? What about mature beauty that comes from lines, wrinkles, and years of developing into a person of character?
The problem with valuing beauty for beauty's sake is that it ends up being used up and the person often doesn't have the grounding to stabilize their lives. We see this all too tragically right now with these two women. Beauty doesn't have to be a curse; but it will be if that's all there is.
It seems, especially for women, beauty has been encouraged as the key to good life, good marriage, to being valued. It goes way back and certainly isn't just in our culture. You see it in the ancient myths and consider the Biblical story where Esther saved her people because of her beauty-- but it took someone else reminding her of real values. Where beauty begins to go wrong is when it leads to misplaced values.
One thing I have noticed is how often old women, who were most beautiful in their youth, end up less so if they have not developed their inner self; and women who had limited beauty as girls have blossomed into the ones to look twice at when they are aged. It's the spirit that shines through and creates a glow that goes beyond features.
The ideal is to have the outer and inner beauty combined. In old age, that does not come as a gift of nature but rather as the result of a life deeply and fully lived and where the person's soul illuminates their face and body. And if you meet an old man or woman who has that inner and outer beauty, they will also have the wisdom to not believe their value comes from an outsider's view of them.
(Mona Lisa from Joconde)
8 comments:
A great reflection...and I agree with you. I too have paid the price. When I was a teenager I dealt with aggressive boys and often found myself trying to live up to my appearance. With more age, I realize that it would have been better off to been taught differently. How many times did I hear my parents say, oh but you are such a pretty girl...why would you do that? For some reason, it meant that I was supposed to act like a pretty girl and this type of coment (among others) suppressed me.
In our society, a general thought is that beauty can take you far. Unfortunatley, this molds the way we think about ourselves and what is expected of us.
I do not have beautiful lips. They are thin and always have been. But I was told by my grandfather that I had a terrific smile. It would take me where I wanted to go. And my mother sculpted my lips on dolls so I was OK with my smile. Maybe I smile too much now. As for worry about my smile failing with age as some do about their beauty fading - I have no worry. Smiling is something I can keep on doing.
Thoughtful post, Rain, and I certainly agree with you. I'm one of the people who never thought she was beautiful and was not told she was beautiful. It's only now, when I look at those photos of me as a child and young woman that I realize I was attractive.
The women whose names you don't mention are classic examples of what happens when you are starved for love. When I see the pain that fame has caused most celebrities to live with--the inability to have private lives-- my heart breaks. We put them on some kind of pedestal (or in many cases, men do) but actually we (the public) scrutinize them, and probably take some comfort when they are proved to still be very human, warts and all.
It's such a whacky world we live in where appearances, wealth, possessions seem to be the measure of success. In a way, when B. cut her hair, it was almost like she was screaming, "Take me as I am."
All I know is that my life became simpler when I stopped spending as much time on my hair and make-up, stopped wearing contacts, spike heels and tight clothing. But--part of being young is doing all that--because Mother Nature tricks us to attract others--but She is just trying to make sure procreation happens.
Wow, this one hits home for me as I believe in, you are who you are. The deeper meaning of that being, it's what's on the inside that counts, literally. I never EVER judge a "book" by it's cover and doubt that I ever will. Great topic!
Very well done...
It is a damning indictment of our society and culture that we put such tremendous emphasis on physical beauty, and pay so little attention to depth of the inner person. To enforce that indictment, we are faced with night after night of the major news networks bombarding us with coverage of the tragedies made from the shallow trappings of these two women's celebrity. I really did not want to know that much about them.
Sadly, the millions of teen and young adult look-alikes and wanna-bes will continue to pay homage, at least until the next young goddess of chic and hip comes along.
I always thought that my parents stopped taking photos when we were teenagers because we stopped doing those adorable things that babies, toddlers, and kids do!
I wouldn't mind the obsession with outer physical beauty so much, if there were a corresponding love for the deeply richly lived inner life. A Miss America for the Mind would be a delight. It's the superficiality of beauty that is the corrupting element. The two women whose names you did not mention seem to have had nothing more than their face and body, woefully unreliable when facing the pain of life.
A good, timely post. I find it interesting how as I have aged my own ideas of beauty have changed. Now some of the kids I grew up with who were thought of as just ordinary are very attractive. As I look through my old high school and college annuals I find so many of the girls attractive but back then there were that certain few who drew the most attention.
It is also interesting that some of the guys who were just there, but probably got good grades and didn't get into trouble, have grown into the doctors, college professors, software engineers, etc. while some of those "star" athletes who were so desireable to the gals have faded into obscurity or worse.
I have enjoyed high school reunions that were beyond the twentieth one a lot more than the earlier ones. By the time we grow into our fourties we sure have some different outlooks on life than we had in our earlier times.
A terrific post on a very important subject in today's world. I totally agree with you!
I also did the same thing with my children and grandchildren....while I would compliment their dress, etc. I tried hard to refrain from concentrating on beauty and looks. I've always felt people caught up with simply the superficial are in fact that within....superficial and shallow.
As I said...great words, Rain, on a timely subject.
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