The down side

Sometimes I wonder if I present too idyllic a view of life on a small ranch. It has its pluses for sure. There are moments when it is wonderful; but there is part of it, a routine part, that makes it hard.

Farm or ranching life toughens a person, it has to if you want to stay with it. I know it has toughened me because I regularly live with life and death realities. All of us have death come into our lives but for most not nearly so often as for those who raise livestock. With ranching, it's a routine aspect that must be accepted or you have to get out of the business.

It's always a debate within myself whether to write about the tough side of this life because it seems there is so much pain in this world, why give someone else part of my own grief. But it's also not fair to present this as always a wonderful way to live. It can be, but like the rose, it has its thorn.

There are the unpredictable problems with say the coyote attacks. We lost three lambs this summer with one more wounded in the throat, who later died from infections that we didn't catch in time. That leaves a lot of guilt.

This was the gutsiest little ewe lamb, coal black, pretty little face. She was so determined to keep going; and it's part of why we missed her serious, life threatening problem. Sheep suffer quietly, and they keep going until they die. You really have to watch them carefully to catch problems, and we let her down. I know it's how it goes but it doesn't make it easier. Toughened-- yes. Tears-- yes.

But that's not the usual. There is something else that is. This is the purpose for which we have these cattle and sheep. Every time I open the gate to let them out into the larger pasture or am out among them, I look into their eyes and know that these young ones were born to be eaten. There is no amount of money that could compensate me for what that makes me feel like.

The compensation comes from knowing this is how life is. These animals are food for others. Their death sustains other life. Is that fair? Of course not. On the other hand, without that, they would not have lived at all. I console myself by knowing they have a good life until it's over. Some days it's not enough consolation.

I suspect it's easier for big ranchers of cattle or sheep because they are usually a bit more removed from their stock. I live with mine. They are right outside my door. I keep an eye on them all the time watching for problems (which obviously sometimes I miss) and checking how they and the grass are doing.

So it's getting to be the season when we will be butchering the first of the lambs born last spring. Yes, they will die a good death. It's not like commercially raised meat where they are treated often abominably. These are animals that are loved and coddled with good food and life as secure as it can be, right up until the hour they die. But they are born to die.

Sometimes I know why people become vegetarians, but I don't see myself able to give up cheese, eggs, fish, chicken, all meats. I know it can be done; but then I'd have to totally sell the livestock we have. It's not like anyone can afford this many cattle and sheep as pets. They may not make us a profit, but they don't cost us as much to feed as they would with no sales.

I suffer with the purpose of the young ones and try to console myself with knowing I then can give the old ones a good life and death when the time comes. It's not always enough.